What a time to be alive—casual sex can be ordered through an app. Find the 9 main menu items right here.
By Maggie Sullivan
1. Everyone you went to high school with
Ever wonder what your buddies have been up to since high school? Hooking up with people on Tinder of course! Tinder is a harsh way to find out that your classmates are still getting stoned and working at the same pizza shop they were at in high school. You quickly swipe left only to see another of your classmates—who also works at the same pizza shop. After contemplation, you may swipe right. Perhaps you aren’t employed at a pizza shop but you are still living in your hometown and flipping through Tinder—are you really any better? Old habits die hard, right? One more trip behind the stadium can’t hurt.
(Photo via John Walker, Flickr CC)2. TOFTB Girl (Tits Out For the Boys)
The montage of cleavage on her profile exceeds the number of cracks on Lorain Avenue. But don’t you dare compliment her knockers; she just thought it was a good picture of her eyes for Christ’s sake. (Photo via HyperXP.com, Flickr CC)3. He Who Justifies the Shirtless Pic
Looks do not deceive. Beneath the shirtless pic is a bio that reads “I know what this looks like but I’m a really good guy looking for someone to care about. I swear I’m really not a douche.” Sorry dude, if you have to clarify that you’re not a douche, chances are, you’re a douche.
(Photo via the_sand_is_neon, Flickr CC)4. The Machine Gun Kelly Fan
His profile has quotes from MGK songs about a rough life growing up in Cleveland. Meanwhile, he is feeding his hamsters at his parent’s house in Westlake. Better Lace Up if you swipe right for this one. (Photo by Jacob Giampa)5. The Short Guy
Have pity on the short guy. If the Short Guy or even the Guy of Moderate Height is honest about their size, the average tinder girl will take off like the Rapid. See next slide for additional insight.
(Photo via Ben Watkin, Flickr CC)6. The Picky Girl
This person has high standards, which is ironic considering she has resorted to an app to find a mate. Beware, whatever carefree Audrey Hepburn quote she uses in her bio to come off as low-maintenance is a façade. Deeper digging will reveal that her ideal partner must prefer Pepsi to Coke, enjoy shopping, and be 6’6”. But, she supposes she could settle for taller.
(Photo via Abdulrahman AlZe3bi, Flickr CC)7. The Superstar
You come across someone who is Cleveland famous—someone in a local band, a tumblr personality, or a SCENE writer—and one of two things happen:
1. You swipe right and begin to imagine how you will tell people you are dating a famous person
2. You are swiping left so fast that you don’t realize who it is until their profile (literally) slipped out of your hands. Melancholy overcomes you. That one swipe could have changed your life but now you will never be Mr./Mrs. Cleveland Big Shot.8. The Guy with the Big Fish
Inexplicably, lots of Cleveland guys on Tinder are pictured holding big fish. But just like big trucks, big muscles, and big egos, holding up big fish is merely another giveaway that something else is small. (Patrick Lewis, Flickr CC)9. The Last Call
When East 4th street fails, count on Tinder to find that not-so-special somebody at 2:00 a.m. The Last Calls go swipe happy. They don’t want to be alone when “Closing Time” comes on. But they’re in for a rude awakening when they find out beer goggles are not exclusive to real-life people, they apply to online photos as well. (Photo via Sarah Sphar, Flickr CC)
