20 Things Every Clevelander Is a Certified Expert On For Some Reason

Clearing off just enough snow from the car to make it semi driveable

Sure, all that snow on your roof is flying off and distracting every driver behind you on I-480, and sure, you can't actually see out the back window and the side mirrors are covered in ice. But there's that one square foot of space on the windshield that's good enough for you to feel comfortable piloting your SUV to work.

What to do with a grocery cart

Anyone from Cleveland will tell you that the correct way to return a shopping cart is to either leave it next to your car or ghost ride it into a nearby bush or hedge. Some grocery stores offer “cart corrals,” but these are more of a suggestion, and it will be a cold day in hell before I walk across a hot/cold parking lot to return a grocery cart for these Big Grocery fat cats.

Why a local restaurant went out of business

You want to know why a local restaurant closed, well nobody has a better grasp on its unfortunate downfall than Clevelanders, especially ones dropping juicy truth bombs in local news comment sections. That’s right, in this sacred space you’ll find pure kernels of wisdom like “Maybe that hamburger shouldn’t have been $10,” or “The name sucked,” or, "It was too hard to find parking," and “When they got rid of the grilled chicken caesar salad in 2012, I knew that bitch was goin’ down.”

Talking during concerts

That act that everyone paid good money to see perform? Second fiddle to Clevelanders, who you can find chatting away nonstop at every local venue in town. As John Mellencamp and others have noted, it's something we excel at. (“Listen, hey, you guys, if these people don’t shut the fuck up I’m just going to leave, OK?” Mellencamp said at a recent show. “Because I’m not used to this crap. Look, guys, if I wanted to play in this type of drunken environment, I’d play outside or I’d play in an arena.” Sore luck, pal. Jared over here wants to tell his pals about what he had for dinner.)

Incorporating alcohol into everything

Baby shower? Intramural flag football game? Workday lunch? Early-morning EPL soccer? Middle-school chess match? Clevelanders got you covered if what you're looking for is booze to go with any of those delightful events. It's at the top of the city's food and social pyramid.

Development deals

These can be super complex situations involving TIFs and tax credit assistance and knowledge of the current economic climate and supply chain issues, and Clevelanders wonder why all these real estate lawyers and developers spent so much time and money on getting educated because we understand and know all when it comes to deals without spending any of that time or money.

The sales price of every house in Northeast Ohio

Did you know that your neighbor’s house sold in 2007 for $120,000?! Of course you did, you live in Cleveland. There’s a good chance between you and your partner that you both can map the property sales history of every home in your cul-de-sac and who overpaid for what, which is a very normal and sane thing to know, by the way.

The subtle differences in batches of Christmas Ale

The same recipe every year you say? Harumph. Total lie. Every Clevelander can detect slight variations in nutmeg, corriander and other notes present in Christmas Ale after just one sip and then recite by year which versions were the best.

Festivals

Whether it’s bacon, pickles, corn, garlic, art, beer, twins, skunks or even testicles–yes, testicles–Ohioans can’t seem to get enough of festivals. Give us a crowd of people, a loose theme, some/a lot of alcohol, and overpriced concessions and we're in heaven.

Seasonal fashion

Nobody knows better than Clevelanders than how to navigate the ups and downs of the old thermometer.