The 10 Kinds of People You'll See at Cedar Point
By Maggie Sullivan
Illustrations by Lee Devito
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1. The Orange Family
A neurotic mother, a submissive geeky dad, and two sticky kids with peanut allergies make for the perfect storm: The Orange Family. They had their trip to Cedar Point planned a year in advance, so they are prepared for the worst. Bright orange shirts in case someone gets lost, enough healthy snacks to survive a zombie apocalypse, and SPF 100. They dont care about being cool because they know that a family who wears fluorescent orange together, stays together.
2. The lovebirds
This cringe-worthy couples hands are super glued together. They will make out fiercely in line, giving little regard to the perv-y middle school tweens watching. Witnessing these two publicly grope each other is more nauseating than the Corkscrew. But apparently PDA alone is not enough to show how they feel; Lovebirds go to great lengths to win that big-ass monkey to haul around the park.
3. The Walking Piece of Art
There is not an exposed piece of flesh on this individuals body; he or she is covered in tattoos. Dont stare too long at the neck tattoo unless youre looking to have the Walking Piece of Art flare his or her nostrils and spit toward your general area.
4. The Contempt Employee
The worst part about working at Cedar Point may be having a jumpsuit as a uniform. Can the announcers be blamed if Enjoy your stay at Americas Rockin Roller Coast sounds more like a desperate mix of Fuck my life and SOS Ive been captured by Willy Wonka to be one of his Oompa Loompas?
5. The Shamelessly Exposed
Maybe they got soaked on a water ride or maybe they just have an interest in midriff-baring tops. Regardless, the Shamelessly Exposed struts around the park nearly nude. He or she may have come wearing appropriate clothing but got caught up in cotton candy euphoria, losing all control and stripping down to the bare minimum as a result. Belly button piercings are most likely involved.
6. The Nostalgic
The Nostalgic visitor can be any age. Whether it is an older person reminiscing about when the Blue Streak opened in 1964 or a younger somebody recalling the WildCat before it closed in 2011, the Nostalgic has enough stories on reserve for even the longest of lines.
7. The Whiner
The Whiner doesnt want to walk so he begs to take the Sky Ride. Then he complains that the line for the Sky Ride is too long. The sun is also too hot, the bathrooms smell bad, and of course, he is hungry but doesnt want a corndog. A day at Cedar Point with the Whiner is a long one.
8. The Fear-Inflictor
There is always that one person in line with a horror story to tell right before boarding the ride. Someones legs got cut off on the Power Tower, he or she will say with bug eyes as the safety bar comes down and you prepare for sudden death.
9. The Serial Rider
This rider has priorities. He or she keeps an agenda of the top few coasters to ride on repeat. The Serial Rider probably has racecar driver style sunglasses and will boast to first-time riders that he has rode the Dragster 96 times.
10. The Kid on a Leash
Kids on a leash may come from the same species of helicopter parent as the Orange Family but are still their own breed; there is a fine line between matching T-shirts and harnesses. Perhaps in a few years there will be a concentration of psychiatrists that specifically deal with individuals who were put on a leash as kids. Just remember: keep your arms, legs, and leashes inside the coaster at all times.