The War of Art
9/29-10/22 For its first production of the fall season, Cleveland Public Theatre stages Wallace Shawn’s The Designated Mourner, a debate centered on highbrow versus lowbrow art. “We’re bringing up big ideas for people to think about,” says artistic director Randy Rollison. The play (which opens Thursday) chronicles a futuristic and increasingly violent battle between classes,…
Rockin’ the Boat
Shut the fuck up. All of you, shut the fuck up. [Daryl] Hall and I will not stand idly by as you California vagina sailors stab the American airwaves in the balls with your shit [pause] music. — John Oates, protesting the Doobie Brothers’ “What a Fool Believes,” on the show Yacht Rock As I…
Why?
The fact that Why? has suddenly morphed from a wordy, nerdy MC into a wordy, nerdy indie rocker is a less remarkable transformation than Elephant Eyelash makes it seem. This is because Why? has made the transition so well. The old caterpillar-into-butterfly metaphor is tired, but the truly beautiful moments on this Pavement-style collection deserve…
Best By-the-Book Bistro
Whether you’re a hungry bookworm or a bookish gourmet, you’ll enjoy this novel restaurant inside Joseph-Beth Booksellers in Lyndhurst’s Legacy Village. A far cry from the bustle of the nearby Cheesecake Factory, this charming little bistro brims with erudite character and quiet sophistication. Stocked with everything from salads, baked brie, and quiche to big burgers…
Best Italian
For authentic Old World ambiance and the kind of Continental insouciance rarely seen since the 1950s, you can’t find a better spot than Valerio’s in Little Italy. The food is as earthy and unpretentious as anything cooked up by a Tuscan nonna. There’s slowly simmered veal, Chianti-braised lamb, and firm pastas in light, savory sauces.…
Best New Band
Cleveland offered plenty of promising new bands this year, but Between Home and Serenity is the best. Like something primal and mythological, the city’s screamo kings emerged fully formed. BHAS immediately became a top draw at venues like the Pirate’s Cove, soon graduating to the Agora Theater (and not to the small room). The band…
Best Rock Laboratory
You’d expect Northeast Ohio’s best young violinists, cellists, and assorted orchestral phenoms to rise from the tonier schools of the East Side. But at Lakewood High, director Beth Hankins has quietly built a string powerhouse. Her greatest creation is the Lakewood Project, America’s first high school rock orchestra. The band features nearly 30 members, playing…
Best Free Theater
Charenton Theater fulfills its mission of making great theater accessible to as many people as possible by taking the show into the neighborhoods. Given its challenging and nomadic existence, this group still manages to mount compelling productions in uniquely appropriate settings. For example, Spoon River Anthology was played in a variety of local cemeteries, including…
Best Local Reality-Show Contestant (Male)
Fredo LaPonza’s like the mob – whenever we think we’ve escaped him, he pulls us back in. We were introduced to this local contractor during the second season of The Average Joe. His ponytail and goatee became staples of local newscasts, which followed his progress on the show. When he ditched Larissa Meek – the…
Best People-Watching
Tired of staring out your cubicle at the same boring faces every day? For a welcome change of perspective, take your lunch break at this Public Square deli. You’ll need a mouth as big as Steven Tyler’s to take a bite out of one of their hot, juicy corned-beef sandwiches, blanketed in melted Swiss. But…
Best Chinese
As Americans, we have been conditioned to accept cut-rate Chinese in cardboard boxes. Hunan Coventry treats diners to a more refined taste of the Orient. The dining room is as spacious as it is refined, serviced by well-dressed, polite waiters. The menu boasts a wide selection of entrées that employ standard ingredients to spectacular effect.…
Best Library
We can see why Westlake’s sleek, state-of-the-art library was voted the second best in the nation in Hennen’s 2004 American Public Library Ratings. Numerous copies of best-sellers means you don’t have to wait three months for the latest page-turner. Rows and rows of CD bins are stuffed with new and classic pop, hip-hop, and classical…
Best Place to Get in Touch With Your Inner Nerd
This store on Madison Avenue has everything you need to turn your basement into a nerd’s paradise, minus the telescope and framed picture of your online girlfriend. Among the most prized items is an original Star Trek stand-up display that someone dug out of the trash – a steal at $175. Whoever your icons are,…
Best Coach
Division III college football is a world long forgotten by ESPN, a place where players don’t get scholarships and fans come at a premium. But Mount Union has stolen at least one element from big-time college sports: an iconic head coach. Now in his 20th season, Larry Kehres has led the Purple Raiders to more…
Best Place to Get a Shot of Testosterone
If you’re feeling dainty as a doily, we’ve got the antidote: Thompson Raceway Park. Operated by ex-Daytona racer Jim Curtis, this drag strip off Route 166 roars with thunder every weekend from April to November. If your souped-up El Camino is a terror to commuters on I-480, test your kung fu against the baddest of…
Best Tequila Selection
Of course, you’d expect a place called Tequila Ranch to be all about the liquid agave, and this lively, nouveau-western bar has never let us down. Whether you’re a connoisseur of fine sippin’ tequilas – like the miraculous Milagro or the grand Patron – or a mere neophyte, preferring to disguise the booze with all…
Best Three-in-One Nightclub
Whether you wanna see a big band or a small band, or just chill in a kissing booth with a few of your closest friends, Peabody’s has you covered. National headliners play Peabody’s proper, an 800-capacity room where Gwar spits blood and Jay-Z spits rhymes. Down the hall is the more intimate Pirate’s Cove, a…
Best Bar Taco
Your girlfriend was right: Size really doesn’t matter — at least, when we’re talking about bar tacos. Most joints try and cram as much low-grade ground beef into a taco shell as humanly possibly. But at the Riverwood Café, the tacos are on a par with one of those fancy Mexican joints, where you can’t…
A comprehensive listing of Halloween events, happenings, and activities.
Bloodview Haunted House, 6477 Mill Rd., Broadview Heights, 440-526-9148, www.bloodview.com The Broadview Heights Lions Club and the Legion of Terror are celebrating the 25th anniversary of Bloodview Haunted House, which scares you for a good cause. Bloodview is open September 23-24, September 30-October 1, October 7-9, October 13-16, October 20-23, and October 26-31. Hours are…
Hidden Treasures
To make a record these days, all you need is Pro Tools, a CD burner, and a pulse. And judging by some of the dead-in-the-water discs that cross our desk on a weekly basis, that last requirement is optional. Like noisy widgets, more albums than ever are being cranked out. While that makes for a…
Horror of 59
The members of Horror of 59 look like juvenile delinquents who ended the doo-wop decade with a fatal game of hot-rod chicken. Decked out in leather biker jackets, the Cleveland quartet has been playing retro horrorcore for just over a year and is now releasing its full-length debut. Fiends, if you’re breathless for the new…
Best Diner
There was a time in this town when the old-fashioned diner was almost dead, done in by fast-food joints and yuppified sandwich “shoppes.” Then Ruthie and Moe Helman hauled a 1956 Kullman dining car to the corner of Prospect and East 40th, and parked it behind their 1938 Jerry O’Mahoney (which had been on the…
Best Spaghetti House That Isn’t
With a name like “Bella Lucca,” you’d think it was just another neighborhood pasta palace. But this tiny restaurant has more to offer than rigatoni. Sure, there’s a melodious Italian inflection to much of Executive Chef Demetrios Atheneos’ contemporary Continental menu, but it is revealed, not in platters of spaghetti and meatballs, but in such…
Best Old Band
Pundits said that with an awkward name like 15 60 75, the group also known as the Numbers Band would never go anywhere. They were right – and wrong: 35 years after its inception, the group is still based in Akron. But it’s also toured the world, and it’s never stopped playing. The art-blues combo…
Best Record Label
A strong local music scene without a few quality labels is as pointless as nonalcoholic beer. Thankfully, Cleveland’s Exit Stencil Recordings is helping to remedy this city’s underwhelming label presence with a diverse roster of some of the area’s most promising bands. With the bristling punk-funk of This Moment in Black History, the wayward snarl…
Best Controversial Show That Wasn’t
As community theaters go, Lakewood’s Beck Center revels in its bad-boy image more than most. How else to explain the Fourth of July parade float featuring a transvestite in leather and fishnets (a garish plug for Hedwig and the Angry Inch). Last year’s top draw at the Beck Center was an adaptation of the 1936…
Best Radio Newscaster
During top- and bottom-of-the-hour news breaks on the syndicated Coast to Coast A.M. With George Noory, Steve Gatins’ modulated baritone commands the overnight airwaves on WTAM, which brags that its signal reaches “38 states and half of Canada.” A relative newcomer to Cleveland radio, Gatins has quickly established himself as an impressive news reader with…
Best Place to Watch the Sunset
You might not be rich enough to live here, but you can still enjoy the tranquillity and beauty of this gated harbor community. Kick back with your sweetheart in the wooden recliners at the edge of the water. Toast the melting sun with crystal glasses of bubbly – or master cylinders of Colt 45, if…
Best Vietnamese
While many old-school Vietnamese restaurants make their dishes saltier than the Atlantic Ocean, #1 Pho makes liberal use of cilantro and tangy fruit sauces to keep your taste buds entertained. The catfish comes in a hot pot, marinated in succulent teriyaki sauce. The stir-fried vegetables are covered in a great orange-mango sauce, on a bed…
Best Place to Repair Your Honda or Toyota at 2 a.m.
There’s nothing worse than suffering car trouble at two in the morning. That’s why Motorcars Honda and Motorcars Toyota on Mayfield Road are so valuable – they’re the only service stations in Ohio that offer late-night maintenance until three a.m. every day. “We’re on a first-name basis with highway patrolmen and state troopers. We’ve had…
Best Comic Book Store
Northeast Ohio has a wealth of wonderful comic stores, but North Coast rises above the rest in this year’s rankings for two reasons. The first is the ample selection of comics in the cheapo bins. Row upon row of three-for-a-dollar comics give you the thrill of the hunt, and there’s plenty of buried treasure -…
Best Indian
Wherever the Indians go, it’s designated hitter Travis Hafner who takes them there. The Tribe started slower than a packed bus, largely because Hafner’s bat was still in hibernation. He hit just one home run in April, but when he caught fire by summer, so did the Indians. “Pronk,” as he’s known, hit .345 with…
Best Ass-Kicking in a Non-Contact Sport
You know you’re in trouble when your Sunday-morning flag-football opponents have “Lay down the pound” screened on their matching jerseys. But such menacing words – and deeds – are to be expected in the USTFL. Ohio’s biggest and baddest flag-and-touch football league is open to all ages, genders, and skill levels. There is, however, a…
Best Place to Drink Before a House of Blues Concert
We like the diverse musical lineup at the House of Blues. What we don’t like, however, is paying $6 or more for a drink. Which is why we always stop at Little Bar – a homey shot-and-a-beer enclave, where drafts and bottles cost just a couple bucks. Bonus score for the eats. Little Bar shares…
Best Country Family Night
Sunday nights at Rootstown’s Dusty Armadillo have a no-smokin’, no-drinkin’, no-cussin’ policy that’s strictly enforced, so it’s safe for the kids. Doors open at 4:45 p.m., allowing just enough time for a brief stretch before line-dancing lessons begin. Over the next four hours, a mob of regulars shows herculean stamina, never tiring of old favorites…
Best Male Bartender
The beauty of the neighborhood bar begins with the people manning the taps. They’re friendly faces, good with names, quick with a smile — even quicker with a pour — and capable of speaking intelligently on everything from Grady Sizemore’s defense to the low-down, cheating ways of your ex-girlfriend. No one does it better than…
Tom’s Diner
Anything can be anything to anybody, particularly in the case of David Cronenberg’s A History of Violence. If you want to believe that his new film, a loose adaptation of a little-known graphic novel, is a work of damning criticism aimed at the hypocrisy of Americans who believe that violence is the only way to…
One More Sunday Night
Last year, some of the biggest Cleveland bands from the late ’70s and early ’80s reunited to benefit drummer Tommy Amato, a Cleveland native who has played with Kiss and Savoy Brown, and who was being treated for lymphatic cancer. The show raised nearly $20,000, and a year later, Amato’s health has improved. On Sunday,…
Colorforms
It’s hard to criticize an album for being repetitious and obscure when that’s its aim — as with Colorforms, a slowly unfurling drone-pop record demanding patience and unwavering attention. Colorforms’ fluid, impressionistic sound takes a new shape with every track. This Lakewood trio’s songs frequently float past the nine-minute mark, adrift in layers of spectral…
Best Late-Night Dining
After you’ve spent a night clubbing and carousing, your mom is probably the last person you want to see. On the other hand, some of her meatloaf and mashed potatoes would sure quiet those late-night tummy rumbles. That’s when Flo Café comes to the rescue, with hours that run until 11 p.m. Monday through Thursday…
Best “All You Can Eat” for Gourmets
Even dedicated foodies aren’t completely immune to the charms of an all-you-can-eat experience – assuming it’s done with style. That’s why we recommend Brasa, Ohio’s first Brazilian-style churrascaria, where the waiters are gracious, the bar is bustling, and the specialty of the house is an endless parade of fresh-off-the-grill beef, pork, lamb, and chicken, carved…
Best Live Band
Every Uncle Scratch show is a rough-and-tumble rockabilly revival. The true believers in the band will do whatever it takes to save your ever-rockin’ soul, even if they have to screw you silly to do it. (Give “I Banged a Sinner” a spin, if you think we’re making this up.) The band’s concerts aren’t like…
Best Studio for Your First Record
If you’re going to persuade a major record company to spend big money on your band, you’d better make a good demo. Thankfully, the crew at Mind’s Eye understands what so many fledgling rockers don’t: It’s better to have three polished songs than a debut bulging with clunkers. And the studio won’t soak you for…
Best Children’s Theater
Kids just aren’t ready for grown-up theater. The murderous garter-belt-and-stockings-clad floozies of Chicago are something that little ones can’t (and shouldn’t) comprehend. The Discovery Theatre Series, on the other hand, plies its junior audience with big, colorful productions seven times a year (from October through May) that stimulate the eyes and ears as well as…
Best TV News Anchor (Male)
One word describes why Tim White looms head and shoulders over the competition: gravitas. Unlike other anchor types, who cover the war by cheerleading from the sidelines, White actually went where the action was – and not to report as an “embedded journalist.” A brigadier general in the Air Force Reserve, White was briefly deployed…
Best Stargazing
The skies over Northeast Ohio are obscured by the old sodium lamps near the steel factory and the constant glow of suburban sprawl. Luckily, Kent State University has an air-conditioned 125-seat planetarium that can show you a complete view of the heavens. Astronomy nerds at KSU have used this facility for years – baking out…
Best Mexican
The hearty, savory flavors of Nuevo Acapulco’s traditional dishes provide just enough kick to complement their earthy essence. The oh-so-scrumptious tacos balance crispy and chewy. The burritos are stuffed with beef, chicken, or beans (which aren’t relegated to a supporting role, as they are in some burritos). And the fajitas’ sizzle doesn’t stop at the…
Best Trendy Clothing Store
In November, clotheshorses took notice when Indigo Nation became one of the first specialty stores to open in the new Crocker Park shopping complex. Managed by the affable Troy Cornish, the spacious boutique brings high fashion to the heartland. “It’s East Coast and West Coast meets the Midwest,” says Cornish. There’s the LaCosta line of…
Best Gaming Store
As the games of choice swing from Pokémon to Yu-Gi-Oh! to Magic, Compendium remains the place where experts and novices go. Nightly tournaments in everything from Star Wars to SportsClix keep the place flooded with preteens, but Compendium’s deep inventory of older cards and the best prices around are the reasons to keep coming back.…
Best Indians Prospect
The Tribe’s first-round pick in 2003, Miller quickly showed why he had scouts salivating like a lineman at Morton’s. At just 19 years of age, he burned through Class A Kinston in 2004, fanning 46 hitters in 43 innings, while amassing an ERA of 2.08. He soon moved to Lake County, the Tribe’s high-level Class…
Best Bowling
With its vintage neon sign, $7 pitchers of Samuel Adams, and smoke-friendly environment, Northgate Lanes is the kind of throwback that reminds Northeast Ohioans why bowling was once our favorite pastime. The entrance unfolds into a basement stocked with 20 polyurethaned lanes, pool tables, a wood-paneled bar, and a snack stand offering only the most…
Best Place to Get Drunk and Feel American
There are exactly four beers on tap at this corner bar: Miller Light, MGD, Bud, and Bud Light. And it’s no coincidence that they don’t pour Coors Light, a beer made in a nonunion shop. In just three years, with zero advertising, the Union Club has earned a reputation as the ultimate workingman’s bar. Surely,…
Best Salsa Dancing
Belinda’s offers the only things that matter to true salsa lovers: great live bands and plenty of room to dance. Most salsa clubs start the night playing salsa and merengue, then shift into harder-sounding bachata and Latin rap as the evening progresses. At Belinda’s, band leaders David Otero and Sammy DeLeon pack their huge orchestras…
Best Gay Bartender
Five nights a week, Chris Baumgartner single-handedly caters to the blue-collar crowd at the Hawk. Refusing a barback’s help to wash glasses, clear tables, and empty ashtrays, the 32-year-old Youngstown native mesmerizes onlookers with his multitasking: He can mix his signature Purple Alaskan (equal shots of Southern Comfort, Jim Beam, Chambord, Amaretto, and OJ) with…
Artful Dodging
It’s almost impossible to watch Roman Polanski’s rendition of Oliver Twist without drawing parallels between the deprivations endured by the book’s young protagonist and the director’s own brutal boyhood. A Jew raised in Nazi-occupied Poland, Polanski first tackled the Holocaust head-on in his 2002 film The Pianist, but Oliver Twist, more than anything else he’s…
Oasis
A decade after Oasis spearheaded the Britpop invasion — melding rough guitars and ’60s pop melodies on a trio of big-selling LPs — the Manchester quartet has returned with Don’t Believe the Truth, in an effort to direct attention away from the infamous public brawling of frontman-brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher, and remind listeners of…
Best Restaurant
Take a heaping helping of smart Deco decor, a pantryful of white linens and crystal, and a bunch of sharp, professional staffers, and blend well. Stir in one extra-talented chef, a cup of new ideas, a tablespoon of trendiness, and a teaspoon of daring; mix until no lumps remain. Add humor and good cheer to…
Best Special-Occasion Dining
Classics is one of the nation’s truly fine dining destinations. Its intimate design, elegant appointments, and gracious service form a luxurious backdrop to chef Guillaume Brard’s fabulous menu of sumptuous contemporary Continental foods. Tidbits like duck-liver terrine, warm quail salad, and Chateaubriand for two, for instance, are just a small part of the sophisticated options.…
Best Gyro
At Fournos Café, a pretty little eatery in Independence, the lush, overstuffed gyros put the competition to shame. This is one piece of pita whose filling is far more meat than lettuce. And that meat – a particularly hearty version of the traditional compressed lamb and beef, sliced from a vertical spit – is a…
Best Band to Listen to on a Road Trip
With songs fueled by heartache, Miller High Life, and the thrill of hittin’ the highway, Rambler 454 is the sound of the open road – and an open beer. The band’s free-range honky-tonk drifts from whiskeyed blues to aching country. The common denominator between the hard-chargin’ tunes is a spirited impulsiveness that makes them ideal…
Best Local Music Website
Clepunk.com provides all the fun of Cleveland’s underground rock scene without the sweat and spilled beer. The site’s biggest attraction is its message board – appropriately titled the Bathroom Wall – where you can trade insults with contemporary rockers (Amps II Eleven, Dropgun) and old-school punk legends (Pink Holes, Defnics), all while getting hip to…
Best Drive-In
There’s nothing like catching a big-screen flick under an even bigger sky. Freed from the stuffy theater, movies take on a larger-than-life feel at the Memphis, a vintage drive-in where they still play classic ’60s intermission commercials, complete with dancing cartoon hot dogs. Yeah, the parking lot is a little rickety and will test your…
Best TV Weathercaster
Dick Goddard will leave the airwaves someday. Though the reigning king of Cleveland weathercasts has a deceptively immortal appearance – thanks to a layer of orange-tinted makeup that puts Tammy Faye to shame – no one lives forever. And when Goddard finally heads heavenward – partly cloudy, with a 20 percent chance of precipitation -…
Best Spot for Contemplation
If the grassy expanse of Wade Oval is where University Circle goes to play, adjacent Wade Park is where it goes to ruminate. Designed in harmony with the art museum in 1927, the park rivals its beauty step for step, sprawling over 15 tree-lined acres, with Wade Lagoon at its south end and more than…
Best Haunted House
Other haunted houses run screaming from this time-honored Akron classic. Ever since the doors opened in 1981, visitors have been treated to tricks they’ve never seen before. Admission is only $11, and the frights begin the moment you step onto a series of metal catwalks hanging precariously over a four-story wind tunnel. A giant Tesla…
Best Euro-Cool Clothes
Angela Huang, the owner of Winds of Change, considers her clothing/accessory boutique to be her personal dollhouse. Set in a renovated, century-old coach house in Chagrin Falls, every room is intricately decorated with a specific theme. In the upstairs “lingerie” room, you’ll find lacy black corsets, slinky camisoles in pastel colors, and form-fitting bodices ($20-$300)…
Best Joint to Feel Like a Kid
Dave and Buster’s resembles the bastard child of a high-rolling casino and a Toys R Us. A sensory overload, D&B’s stocks all manner of video games, including some more closely akin to amusement park rides. Take on Darth Vader in Star Wars, drive a crazy cab, or strap on a helmet and operate a Black…
Best Hope for the Indians
When the minor league all-star teams were selected in June, Indians AAA pitcher Fernando Cabrera was a no-brainer. In 23 games for the Buffalo Bisons, Cabrera had pitched almost perfectly, going 6-0 with three saves, a 0.92 ERA, and 55 strikeouts in 39 innings. But then Cabrera got called up to the bigs. Major League…
Best Pool Hall
The L&L is for pool purists. The entire space is devoted to 11 antique, full-sized Brunswick tables, known for their sturdy construction. Every table is flat as a pancake, and the bumpers are hard and refurbished regularly. Even when the place is full, which is most nights from Wednesday through Saturday, there’s enough room that…
Best Place to Get Drunk and Feel Important
Let the smooth electric beats guide you into the dark, where this lounge hides below one of Cleveland’s hottest restaurants. Low-slung couches and tables scattered throughout the basement bar make a late-evening drink a relaxing affair. As the night progresses, a large projection screen plays clips of curious cartoons you’ve probably never seen, while a…
Best Hangover Prevention
With a designer coffee shop on every corner, the traditional diner has been rendered a thing of the past. Fortunately, this storied institution lives on at Dianna’s, the perfect 24-hour joint for the hammered guy on the go. The menu, roughly the size of the Akron phone book, features the best of American comfort food,…
Best Place to Drink Like a Civilized Person
Theatrically designed, plushly appointed, and oh-so-welcoming, Budapest Blonde straddles the line between a corner bar and your best friend’s living room. Certainly, the gracious Old World appointments play a part in developing the Blonde’s companionable vibe. Mostly, though, it emanates from the warm personalities of its gregarious owner-operators, Ilona Simon (pictured) and Leonard DiCosimo. It’s…
Proof Positive
In the tradition of A Beautiful Mind and Good Will Hunting comes Proof, a psychological drama about a math genius and the people who worship, care for, and endure him. Based on the Pulitzer Prize- and Tony Award-winning play by David Auburn, Proof is a strong film with intense focus. Its characters are complex and…
Black Dahlia Murder
A few years ago, Black Dahlia Murder opened for rap-rock travesty Saliva at a Texas pavilion. “Not a lot of converts that day,” recalls guitarist Brian Eschbach. The quartet, known for its melodic death-metal, now keeps better company, having spent the summer on Ozzfest before kicking off its current headlining tour with fellow grinders Between…
Best Hidden Restaurant
You could drive past the Cleveland Grill a hundred times and never notice it. The restaurant sits in a small brick building on a fast-moving, four-lane stretch of West 117th Street, in a neighborhood better known for used car lots than fine dining. Its white plastic sign is hung above the door with string, and…
Best Coffeehouse
Talkies is great because it meets so many needs you never knew you had. For $3.50, you can get a good-sized mocha, with enough chocolate to disguise the bitter taste of a double espresso. It’s also got all kinds of flavored-coffee drinks as well as four varieties of regular joe. There’s a small menu of…
Best Kebab
Turkey’s riff on the Greek gyro, the doner kebab, is a combo of highly seasoned beef and lamb, grilled on a rotating vertical spit; as the meat cooks, broad mahogany ribbons of it are cut away, with a very sharp knife, to be served over buttery rice. At the friendly Anatolia Café, where the Turkish…
Best Band in Corpse Paint
Right up there with the bullet belt and the spiked codpiece, corpse paint is among heavy metal’s most kick-ass conceits. When dudes slather their faces in ghastly black-and-white makeup, making themselves look like a cross between King Diamond and a disgruntled rodeo clown, you know they mean business. And so it is with Black Trinity,…
Best Place to Grab a Fistful of Metal Online
Sunday night’s not the best time for heavy metal – Black Sabbath notwithstanding – so unless you’re a diehard headbanger, you probably miss more editions of 92.3 Xtreme Radio’s Metal Show than you catch. That’s a shame, because the long-running show regularly scores exclusive interviews with metal gods like Dio’s Ronnie James, Iron Maiden’s Bruce…
Best Theater for Popcorn Movies
With its ample personal space, comfy seats, and relatively unsticky floors, Valley View is one multiplex that still cares about your moviegoing experience. Stadium seating guarantees that some dude with huge hair won’t block your view of Jude Law’s face or Angelina Jolie’s lips. And its 24 screens (the greatest number in the area) keep…
Best Nightly TV Newscast
It’s all too easy to scoff at Channel 19 – after all, this is the station that employs not one, but two naked newsbabes. Its coverage is more breathless than an asthmatic who misplaced his inhaler, and cheap stunts – such as pulling on City Hall’s locked door after-hours to demonstrate how the mayor was…
Best Place to Wait Out Traffic
Rush-hour Cleveland is practically unnavigable, one big gridlock from the Rock Hall to just outside Akron. Don’t stew in your car, listening to endless commercials on sports-talk radio. Pull over and walk to the Clevelander, one of three bars that share an outdoor patio at one of the city’s busiest intersections. Sandwiched between Panini’s and…
Best Horror Convention
In Cleveland, you can’t be a true fan of low-budget horror until you’ve visited Cinema Wasteland. Every September, this convention invades the Strongsville Holiday Inn, filling the main ballroom with a trove of genre collectibles and bootleg copies of out-of-print movies. Searching for season two of Twin Peaks or that awful Star Wars Christmas Special?…
Best Affordable Designer Clothes
Paris Hilton may be able to spend $145 on a Diane von Furstenberg silk camisole without blinking her well-mascaraed eyes, but what about the rest of us? Luckily, cash-poor fashionistas need travel no further than the Saks Fifth Avenue Outlet. It carries all the same labels as the original department store – Theory, Versace, and…
Best Indie Record Store
This cozy store has the look of a converted basement and contains a smorgasbord of sounds. Indie rock, Americana, garage, hip-hop – Music Saves sells it all. Fans of hard-to-find underground jams adore the place. Best-sellers at the store include Sufjan Stevens, Arcade Fire, Neutral Milk Hotel, Spoon, Low, and Monet.Madrid.Madagascar. Through an alliance with…
Best Brown
In another year, another era, we hope not to be handing out awards to – ahem – a kicker. But last season, Phil Dawson’s steady right foot was just about the only thing Browns fans could rely on – not counting bad play-calling and post-game bellyaching. Since breaking into the NFL in 1999, Dawson has…
Best Gym
As its name suggests, One to One prides itself on personal services. In fact, the only other place you’ll get this kind of attention is at your mom’s house. The two-story luxury gym comes equipped with licensed nutritionists to analyze your food intake, measure your body-mass index, and plan out a diet based on your…
Best Place to Spot Celebrities
If this bar’s good enough for consummate cool guy Billy Zane, star of Titanic and Zoolander, it’s good enough for us. Since its opening in 2002, Modä has quickly become the destination of choice for celebrities visiting Cleveland. Located on West 25th, its front doors flanked by Roman statues, the club blends ’50s sci-fi with…
Best Pet Shop
If you’re in need of a little puppy love, just walk into Kamms Plaza Pet and Supply and play with a baby cocker spaniel or chocolate Lab. The store owners make sure each puppy gets time every day to roam the store and get a little exercise. In an era when most pet stores, especially…
Best Sports Highlight
The Cleveland Browns. One of the NFL’s most storied franchises. Smash-mouth football. Ugly brown-and-orange uniforms. Seventy-three thousand hammered guys cheering them on. Some are even wearing dog masks. Does it get any more beautiful than this? But while Pittsburgh is led by a badass sociopath, and Philly has a genius fat guy, Cleveland was coached…
Scene‘s top DVD picks for the week of September 27
American Pie: 3 Movie Pie Pack (Universal) Beethoven: The Pooch Pack (Universal) Billy Jack: The Ultimate Collection (Ventura) Blind Melon: Live at the Metro (EMI) Bouncing Souls: Live at the Glasshouse (Fontana) Britney & Kevin: Chaotic . . . the DVD & More (Jive) Carlito’s Way: Rise to Power (Universal) The Complete Monty Python’s Flying…
Have Gun, Will Space Travel
Serenity, Joss Whedon’s big-screen spinoff of the 2002 TV show Firefly, which didn’t even last a dozen episodes, is already a cult phenom well before its opening. The show’s DVD boxed set lines the shelf of every fanboy who dreamed of gunslinging in space alongside preachers and prostitutes, and already the movie has screened some…
The Redwalls
Let’s get this out of the way right now — the Redwalls are derivative, and what’s more, the bands the group borrows from are not hip and obscure. Hell, neither are the songs. So don’t expect to look like an authority when you play spot-the-influence with the tunes on De Nova, the band’s major-label debut.…
Best Restaurant Reinvention
Three cheers for Mike and Liz Symon, Cleveland’s First Couple of Culinary Cool, and their success in transforming their trend-setting, award-winning Lola into the equally ebullient Lolita. Though the menu has gone from contemporary American to rustic Mediterranean, and the current ambiance is less alt-chic and more taverna, the changes are merely skin-deep. Beneath them,…
Best Way to Get a Homemade Meal on the Table
Everyone can use a helpmate – you know, someone to do the meal planning, the shopping, and the cleaning up when time is at a premium. While she won’t pick up the dry cleaning or send out your Christmas cards, chef Michelle Gaw does fill the bill when it comes to getting a real, homemade…
Best Cheesecake
Dear Corky and Lenny: Forgive me for straying. You know I’ve always loved your cheesecake, but sometimes . . . well, the flesh is weak, and I just couldn’t help checking out the new joint in town. But honestly, once I tried it, it was such a letdown! Your cheesecake is sooo much better: Firm,…
Best Soundtrack for Bar Fights
The self-titled debut from Cleveland’s Amps II Eleven is pretty much the sound of one prolonged bar brawl set to wax. With songs like “Jesus Hates Cleveland” and “Gas Ass or Grass,” these dudes won’t win any points for subtlety. But for this Parma-based bunch, refinement is about as useful as dialogue in a porno.…
Best Online Source for Hip-Hop Mixtapes
If you want the sound of the streets without having to actually venture into the streets, visit Cleveland mixmaster Mick Boogie’s website. With connections from here to Compton, Boogie offers exclusive tracks by rhymers like the Game and Ghostface Killah – and many of his mixes are hosted by the emcees themselves. Some of his…
Best Theater for Art Movies
You might need Mapquest and a compass to find Cleveland’s top bastion for obscure films, but your effort will be duly rewarded. Behind the Cleveland Institute of Art building, near the dumpster, and up the loading-dock staircase is the shrouded domain of John Ewing, who for 20 years has devoted his very being to unspooling…
Best Morning TV Newscast
Waking at two in the morning to go to work has to be tough enough, but smiling about it is unimaginable. The crew at NewsChannel5’s Good Morning Cleveland not only flash their pearly whites at unbearable hours, they make it look sincere. Morning man Adam Shapiro took home a local Emmy this year, certifying him…
Best Country Roads
Fill up the tank, roll down the windows, pop the moon-roof, and load the CD changer – this town of just over 1,000 people a half-hour southeast of Cleveland is Sunday-cruising paradise. Take the turnpike east to Route 44, make a left, and drive it straight into town. Grab some cheap, home-cooked comfort food at…
Best Dumpster-Diving
Dumpster-diving can be a messy venture. Digging through rotting foodstuffs and wadded-up paper towels in search of reusable treasures is not for the faint of heart. For divers who don’t want to break out the hazmat suit, there are the always-clean dumpsters at the JCPenney Outlet Store. They’re full of the kind of necessary household…
Best Designer Knockoffs
At H&M, you’ll find the latest, hippest styles – everything from business suits to swimwear – for a third of the retail price at department stores. While a tight, revealing bar shirt from Nordstrom costs $36, you can find a nice knockoff at H&M for a mere $12. The labels here are all off-brands, but…
Best Place to Buy Vinyl
Stacks of dusty albums handpicked from flea markets add a junk-store appeal to this Madison Avenue store, though everything is well organized. The shelves are chock-full of the best (and amusingly worst) of every genre. Soul lovers will goggle at an abundance of rare 45s and original James Brown LPs, while rock enthusiasts can beef…
Best Hope for the Browns
Don’t get us wrong: Hiring a coach players actually like was a good start. But in the end, it’s players who make a team suck, and this year, the suck-factor on the Browns’ roster is way down – especially among players who actually get their hands on the ball. Antonio Bryant, the explosive receiver who…
Best Winter Gear
For expert outdoorsmen and novices alike, there’s no better place in Northeast Ohio to buy equipment than the Ski & Sport Haus. While most outdoors stores are staffed by wage slaves who can’t tell a cross-country ski from a snowboard, the employees at the Ski & Sport Haus are enthusiasts who test all the gear…
Best Eye Candy Behind the Bar
On a street packed with burger-and-beer joints, Panini’s distinguishes itself with five plasma-screen TVs, high-class service, and . . . blah, blah, blah. Who are we kidding? The girls who sling beers at Panini’s are hot, so we keep going back. There’s Katie, the supermodel-in-waiting; Melanie, the pigtailed temptress; and Chrissy and Danielle, the girls…
Best Place to Buy Old Issues of Playboy
Remember when you were a kid, standing in the magazine section of the bookstore, drooling over an issue of Playboy hidden inside a copy of The Economist? Well, there’s no need to feel ashamed here. These old Playboys, stacked in the basement of this retro paradise, are “collectibles,” so you can stare at the boobies…
Best Skate Park
From the outside, this brick warehouse near I-77 looks better suited to house broken-down tow trucks. But after a year and a half, BH’s has emerged as the go-to skate park in Northeast Ohio. It boasts ramps, bowls, half-pipes, and rails galore. But it’s the atmosphere that has customers coming back. The operators of the…
Big Fun, Even Small
Robots (Fox) The story of a small-town ‘bot (voiced by Ewan McGregor) who bolts for the big city, Robots is the first non-Pixar film to compete with that studio’s razzle-dazzle. The thing’s stunning to look at — and, frankly, it’s better to stare at than listen to, since listening entails putting up with Robin Williams…
Played for Fools
Anyone vaguely familiar with the rules of golf knows that you may not improve your lie, ground your club in a sand trap, or — most grievous of all — subtract strokes from your score. This last one apparently never occurred to the makers of a new movie with the grandiose title The Greatest Game…
Dwight Yoakam
Too old-school for alt-country hipsters, too off-kilter for staunch traditionalists, Dwight Yoakam has always been a man in search of a niche. His lastest, Blame the Vain, will piss off both crowds, but it’s one of Yoakam’s sprightliest in years. By hiring a new band and taking the production reins from longtime collaborator Pete Anderson,…
Best Chef
Mentor native Rocco Whalen left Northeast Ohio to study at the Pennsylvania Institute of Culinary Arts, then pestered his way into prestigious gigs at Ÿber-chef Wolfgang Puck’s ObaChine in Phoenix, Granita in Malibu, and Spago in Las Vegas. He returned to launch one of our city’s finest restaurants: Fahrenheit. It’s no exaggeration to say that…
Best Gourmet Grocery
If you’re looking for valet parking, dramatically lit produce displays, and piped-in classical music, you’re definitely in the wrong place. But while its patrons are as likely to include seniors on fixed incomes as smartly dressed yuppies, Miles Farmers Market offers plenty of luxe for your grocery bucks. A bustling cheese department stocks more than…
Best Frozen Yogurt Marketed as Custard
What separates ice cream from custard is a few cracked eggs. Custard has ’em, ice cream doesn’t. Although Strickland’s calls itself a “custard” stand, its concoction is eggless. When the company started in the 1930s, eggs were too expensive, so the powers that be decided not to use them. They still don’t, but we can’t…
Best Band to Send Jehovah’s Witnesses Fleeing From Your Yard
With such Satan-salutin’ rippers as “All Hail Hell,” “Turn Up the Hell,” and “Take You to Hell” – notice a trend? – Midnight is the sound of holy rollers hitting the deck. A nasty one-man metal band, Midnight offers devolved thrash that sounds like the ’90s never happened. Over randy, grinding guitar and primal rhythms,…
Best Local Weblog
CoolCleveland.com may get more press, but Jeff Hess’ Havecoffeewillwrite.com is terabytes above the local competition. His daily posts remind the public of Cleveland controversies long after the local media gets bored and moves on. His continuing series on grassroots efforts to keep Wal-Mart from swallowing every Ohio town is fascinating and more in-depth than anything…
Best Film Festival
Six years ago, local auteurs Matthew T. and Marcel DeJure launched the subversively hip film fest known as 20,000 Leagues Under the Industry. It was intended to showcase amateur filmmaking – something they felt mainstream fests like Sundance and Cannes had gotten away from. Since then, they’ve remained true to their vision. Annual shows at…
Best Hair on a Media Personality
Oh, what a coif Ms. Mc-Very-Cool has. Those blond tresses fall across her forehead in a way that is, in a word, heavenly. We love the way she keeps her ‘do trimmed slightly shorter in the front, but lets it flip up over her shoulders in the back. If that was a man’s haircut, it’d…
Best Playground
On a recent day at the Coventry playground, a kid in his early teens walked up and said, “Dag! This is a big playground!” Our thoughts exactly. And it’s clear that the playground’s creators knew how to stoke a child’s imagination. A serpentine dragon made of used tires rises from a sea of mulch, while…
Best Place to Smoke a Doobie
Lakewood Park is great for tossing the Frisbee, joining a game of sand volleyball . . . or twistin’ up a doober. Rock gently on a bench-swing or walk down to the breakwall, a concrete beach where rolling waves explode like mini-geysers, spraying you with lake foam. Jets lifting off from Hopkins circle the shore,…
Best Tailor
Lorraine Ehrlinger is the owner of one the last remaining stand-alone tailor shops in Cleveland. “We’re a dying breed,” she jokes. In her cramped store at the corner of Cedar and Lee roads, Ehrlinger has been mending, altering, and sewing clothes for more than 30 years. Customers travel from as far away as Warren to…
Best “In-Stores”
In a perfect world, all concerts would be free and open to all ages, but until then, there’s Square Records. The Highland Square shop offers the region’s best lineup of in-stores – free shows held in record stores. Since it opened two years ago, Square has been the stage for more than 20 acts, including…
Best Cavalier
This may seem a no-brainer, but with Anderson Varejao’s hair and Ira Newble’s fun-to-say name, it was closer than you would think. However, in the end, James’ native abilities won out. It’s not just his skills, although the fact that he was among the NBA’s top three players in no fewer than 11 different categories…
Best Sledding
On most sledding hills, toboggans are the slowpokes, better known for large group giggles than for wind-in-the-face speed. But if you’re going tobogganing at Mill Stream Run Reservation, get ready to hold onto your knit cap. The Chalet at Mill Run has a pair of concrete chutes that are as steep as a roller coaster.…
Best Bachelor Party
This sprawling gentlemen’s club has tons to offer: a top-notch menu, affable hosts and staff, and a stage with enough lights and props for a Steven Spielberg shoot. But when it comes to playing host to you and 12 of your horniest buddies, there’s really only one amenity to judge by: The Girls. They’re pros,…
Best Retro Housewares
Don’t start decorating your new pad until you’ve visited this retro treasure trove. You’re likely to find that perfect centerpiece around which an entire theme evolves. Flower Child may have more variety, but you can buy twice as much gear here at half the price. Pick up an iron patio set (table and four chairs)…
Best Yoga Instructor
As an actress living in New York, Marni Task was constantly being told that she needed to look at her whole body as an instrument in her acting. Since she could never figure out which instrument her teachers were talking about — a flute? a French horn? — she decided to take up yoga. Task…
Family Matters
DVD — Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story!: Baby Stewie embarks on a road trip to find his real father in this feature-length offspring of Fox’s resurrected cult cartoon. Booze, barbs, and boobs abound! DVD/TV/CD/BOOK — Bob Dylan: The bard of all media hits a grand slam with the Martin Scorsese-directed PBS doc…
Drift Wood
The problem with making black-lacquered high school satire is this: Heathers came out in 1989, and it pretty much did the trick. There’s always room for an excellent addition to the genre, and in 1999, it appeared in the form of Alexander Payne’s Election, a film blessed with both a sweet budding lesbian and the…
John Mayer Trio
Why arena-emo heartthrob John Mayer feels the need to prove his roots-music bona fides to anyone is beyond us; it must be the same misguided conception of “integrity” that leads popular indie bands to apologize when they record albums you can actually hear. That said, Mayer could certainly have chosen less wisely when putting together…
Best Breakfast
Waking up sucks, but breakfast at downtown’s Juniper Grille goes a long way toward easing the pain. Whether you’re on your way to the cube farm, classes, or a day of seeing the sights, this casually sophisticated dining room makes the perfect prelude, with its urbane decor, speedy service, and broad selection of breakfast fare.…
Best Place to Fill Up on Free Samples
Frugal gourmet shoppers have long known that Trader Joe’s is the best place to go for below-market-price meats and cheeses. But for those who are looking for even cheaper (read: free) grub, this is the place to be. An average day’s haul might include samples of mandarin-orange chicken with jasmine rice, a slab of teriyaki…
Best Milkshakes
We like our milkshakes thick, tall, and tasty. Thankfully, hippie hot spot Tommy’s doesn’t know how to make ’em any other way. Don’t even attempt to use a straw to sip these monsters. With more than a dozen flavors, there’s something for everyone: Cookie dough, cherry, banana, and peach are tops, and most of the…
Best Band to Smoke a Doobie To
“I got a feeling outer space is right for me,” Red Giant singer-guitarist Alex Perekrest wails on his band’s most recent album, Devil Child Blues. Indeed, Red Giant is one far-out four-piece, with a rhythm section heavier than the Browns’ offensive line and the most heated dual-guitar action of any local band. Nationally known among…
Best Pipeline to the Arts
If Fred Sternfeld were known only for the shows he directs, his impact here would still be considerable. In recent years, he has expertly helmed classics (Of Mice and Men, Fiddler on the Roof), obscure gems (Underneath the Lintel), and musicals (Ragtime, The Sound of Music) on virtually every stage in town. But since 1998,…
Best Public-Access Show
The 5 Dolla Half Hour has all the ingredients of a great public-access TV show. “Stunt” weed? Check. Apple IIe screen graphics? Check. Cig-smoking vagina? Uhhh . . . check. Produced by Chris Barna out of his North Hill home, The 5 Dolla Half Hour has emerged as the most-watched show on Time Warner public…
Best Harbingers of Doom
When a meteorologist begins to forecast the weather by looking at bugs, he usually ends up in a padded cell. Not Dick Goddard. He took a risk that needed to be taken, and we love him for it. For nearly 40 years, Goddard has been the chief weatherman at WJW, but somewhere in the ’80s,…
Best Big Burgers
Does $13.95 seem like a lot to pay for a hamburger? Then keep buying those skinny little patties that look as if they’ve passed through a clothes press. But if you have a taste for a serious sandwich – one that’s so tall you’ll need a jack to hold your jaws open – then check…
Best Place to Drop Acid (or Take Kids)
This place is guaranteed to provide hours of fascinating and intellectually enriching fun for the whole family. It’s also the unofficial best place to ingest mind-bending hallucinogens. You’ll want to spend hours jamming on the MIDI sound stage, equipped with drum pads, a keyboard, and the light harp – little kids will really appreciate your…
Best Shoe Store
Everything about Texas is big, so it should come as no surprise that a store named Dallas Shoe Warehouse would have a monstrous selection of shoes. Here, you’ll find everything from knee-high Dolce & Gabbana boots to jeweled flip-flops, all at discount prices. We found $50 lavender leather Anne Klein pumps for just $9.99, skinny-heeled…
Best Tattoos
Mike Martini of Square City Tattoo inked the surrealistically intricate Meshuggah eyeball on the forearm of former Mushroomhead frontman Jason Popson. But tattoos aren’t just for guys in rock bands anymore. In recent months, Martini and his staff have inked a grandmother, three pastors, and a few members of the motorcycle club Bikers for Christ.…
Best House-Cleaner
After buying the Cavaliers in January, new owner Dan Gilbert fit right into the ranks of fickle pro-sports owners. Before he had time to redecorate his new office, Gilbert started firing people like a smaller, less combed-over version of the Donald. Head Coach Paul Silas – You’re fired! GM Jim Paxson – Pack your bags!…
Best Hockey Rink
Northeast Ohio isn’t blessed with many quality hockey rinks. Recreational skaters are used to playing on brown ice and dressing in locker rooms that smell like a fat guy died there in 1987 and no one bothered to remove the body. Ice Land USA, however, is a beautiful facility, featuring two rinks, a gear shop,…
Best Bachelorette Party
Tucked into the basement of the Powerhouse on the tamer side of the Flats, Howl at the Moon makes a business of catering to brides-to-be. First, there’s the dude at the piano. A regular rotation of skinny guys with wavy hair take the stage every weekend, singing the Elton John or Billy Joel classics. Several…
Best Radio Morning Show
Let’s get one thing out of the way: He’s not Howard Stern. Like the King of All Media, Rover often straddles the line of good taste, such as when he had dads try to identify their daughter’s orgasms on Father’s Day. But while comparisons with Stern are inevitable, Rover has his feet firmly grounded in…
Best Animal-Rights Advocate
For the past 14 years, Holland has been the beasts’ best friend. He’s the special prosecutor for animal-welfare cases in more than a dozen counties, putting animal abusers behind bars for as long as 190 days. In fact, it was Holland who tightened Ohio’s animal-welfare laws just two years ago, when he spearheaded a Senate…
Armed & Fabulous
Because Ohio just isn’t weird enough, state Representative Tom Brinkman (R-Cincinnati) is sponsoring a bill that would allow you to bring a gun to your kid’s day care or your CSU biology class. Brinkman’s bill is a response to the huge outcry among parents whose children are presently barred from bringing handsome Chinese assault rifles…
November Mourn
Sure you want to be inside Sophie Jacobs’ head? The poor woman’s cabeza is so stuffed with guilt and fear, so tormented by grief and what might be delusions, that to spend even five minutes in there poses an obvious risk to your own sanity. At least, that’s the way filmmaker Greg Harrison (Groove) hopes…
The Amazing Fluff Girls Burlesque and Vaudeville Roadshow
Sure, the Amazing Fluff Girls Burlesque and Vaudeville Roadshow at the Beachland has more than a handful of really, really smokin’ young ladies in very little clothing — it is a burlesque show, after all. And, as they say, less is more. But in addition to the buxomness and assorted gyrations, the (somewhat) old-fashioned showgirls…
Best Power Lunch
You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggonit, people like you. So get out there and seal the deal by taking the boss or a few important colleagues to lunch at Johnny’s Bar. After all, simply being privy to the fact that this divey-looking corner bar conceals a swank, upscale restaurant marks you as a…
Best Steakhouse
Nouvelle cuisine be damned. It’s a meat-and-potatoes world out there, and we’ve seen the herd of upscale steakhouses to prove it. For our big bucks, though, the best is Red, an elegantly spare restaurant where Prime aged beef reigns supreme. Lightly seasoned, perfectly seared, and bursting with primal flavors, these steaks are an object lesson…
Best Doughnuts
These doughnuts are addictive. At least, that’s our excuse for hitting Honeygirl Bake Shoppe so often this year. These oversized pillows of sweetness and light are so pure, yet so decadent, we’ve heard of hostesses trotting them out as dessert at fancy dinner parties! Our personal jones is for the custardy cruller, a confection that…
Best Retro Rock Band
Where plenty of new-wave bands flip up their collars, streak on the eyeliner, and recycle bad disco beats, Yellow Delicious just rocks. How retro are they? For starters, they played the Duran Duran pre/post-party. Little Steven selected Yellow Delicious to participate in the Cleveland round of his Underground Garage battle of the bands, a showcase…
Best Way to Stop Drinking Merlot
Even if you think Sideways was a film about fat people negotiating the aisles at Marc’s, you need not resign yourself to a lifetime of humiliation at the hands of the wine world’s cognoscenti. Just sign up for evening classes at the Cleveland Wine School, and learn, at long last, how to tell a Merlot…
Best Improv
West 117th was never known for laughs, but since Bassa Vita Lounge became the testing ground for local improv acts, things have changed. Now the small basement bar below Bottom’s Up crawls with Cleveland’s funniest people every Tuesday night – most of them expats from the failed Second City Cleveland. Tuesdays at 9 is the…
Best Newspaper Reporter
With the statehouse being overrun by an Appalachian crime spree – think The Dukes of Hazzard, only without the T&A and car chases – the importance of news from Columbus is at an all-time high. And no one delivers better than The Plain Dealer’s state-government columnist, Thomas Suddes. The guy’s a machine, an old-school writer…
Best Bread the Size of Your Head
There’s an old adage: Never eat anything bigger than your head. Well, the oversized bhatura at Udupi Café is the exception that proves the rule. Resembling a giant golden football, the hollow puff of deep-fried bread – a cross between Navajo fry bread and Yorkshire pudding – offers an almost embarrassingly seductive combo of crispness…
Best Place for One-Night Stands
Remember that place Pinocchio went to in the Disney movie, where he partied, smoked cigars, and got all messed up? Well, if he had gone to Put-in-Bay, he might have become a real man. Disguising itself as a family retreat, this island just off the coast of Sandusky is anything but. It’s home to the…
Best Sneaker Store
Forget that cold, metal foot-measurer that’s touched more sweaty feet than a Browns trainer. Second Sole employs a fleet of sneaker Jedis whose ability to diagnose your podiatric peculiarities is unrivaled in Ohio. First, they will ask you to stand. They will scrutinize your arches like a fortune-teller reading your palm. Then they’ll ask you…
Best Men’s Haircuts
Nothing beats the convenience of getting your ‘fro trimmed during lunch hour. Situated downtown, Studio Palmieri is ideally located for busy yuppies. The beautiful women wielding the scissors will provide helpful suggestions, but they’re also adept at recreating that ‘do you’ve been rocking since 1999. Far from the barbershop of yore, Studio Palmieri offers the…
Best Hope for the Cavs
When the Cavs introduced Mike Brown as their new head coach, the collective Who? could be heard from Gund Arena to Guantanamo Bay. But it’s since become clear that owner Dan Gilbert’s willingness to think beyond big names might pay off. Brown learned from two of the league’s best coaches: Greg Popovich in San Antonio…
Best Parking Lot for Roller-Skating
Everyone knows that the best time to roller-skate is after midnight. Unfortunately, most roller-skating rinks – with their boy-band-dominated soundtracks, lack of liquor, and early closing times – just don’t cut it. But State Road Plaza unknowingly does. The football-field-sized parking lot is a smooth sea of pavement, perfect for a skate under the stars.…
Best Place to Pick Up People Over 40
Middle-aged folks need a little casual lovin’ too, and Savannah is the best spot in town for a random hookup. This big, roomy joint is always filled with enough single (or at least single-for-the-night) men and women to go around – especially on weekends, when the club is standing room only. The crowd is a…
Best Artist to Get You in the Mood
Cleveland songstress Conya Doss has a voice as slinky and sexy as a little black dress. Her singing is like the sound of silken unmentionables hitting the bedroom floor — especially on sultry slow burners like “Sweet Love (I Don’t Know Why)” and “Stay,” from her latest, Just Because. But Doss doesn’t just sing honeyed…
Best Local Reality-Show Contestant (Female)
This former Mentor High cheerleader/Ohio University sorority princess wouldn’t settle for a mere 15 minutes of fame. After flirting her way into an engagement on the third season of The Bachelor, the flaxen-haired beauty ditched millionaire Andrew Firestone like an old tire. Appropriately, the split was announced on the celeb-obsessed TV show Extra, where Schefft…
More to Tell
More to tell Not all charters are rotten: I am writing in response to your article on charter schools [“Dream Killer,” July 29] and the letter by Martha Moore. Ms. Moore states that “charter schools are evil,” “run for profit,” and “provide a false promise of hope.” Scene has made it clear that it agrees…
Sinking Feeling
Into the Blue offers precisely what one would expect from the director of Blue Crush and the writer of Torque: beautiful stupidity. Its every frame dripping a noxious combination of suntan oil, summertime sweat, and salt water, this heist movie (or whatever it is, which isn’t much) delivers a precise, test-marketed amalgam of X Games…
Boys Night Out
It’s safe to call Ferret Music a metal-and-hardcore label. After all, the owner is the lead singer of NORA; the big band on the label is Every Time I Die; and Killswitch Engage got its start with Ferret. But somehow, Boys Night Out, a group of guys with a slight morbid streak who play poppy…
Best Kids’ Menu
Long a popular stop with the grown-ups for its healthful, tasty fare, Aladdin’s does right by the little people too, with a selection of kid-sized meals that sidesteps the usual greasy, fried, and overprocessed foods peddled to the young. Yes, there are the inevitable chicken tenders – but they come with either fresh fruit or…
Best Meatloaf
We used to think we hated meatloaf. Then we tried the stuff at the West Side Market Café, and we realized that we merely hated our mother’s meatloaf. Unlike our mom’s, the café’s meaty marvel arrives at the table light and tender, deliciously streaked with roasted-onion demiglace, and settled on a bed of buttermilk mashed…
Best Unusual Dessert
When the waiter at Jimmy O’Neill’s brings the tavern’s signature dessert to your table, the natural reaction is to sit back for a moment of awe. It resembles a triangular brick, three inches high and smothered in black Belgian chocolate that’s giving off steam. At its side is a mountain of whipped cream, made fresh…
Best Retro Dance Band
One of Cleveland’s hottest new bands, Whitechapel is the closest this city has come to recreating New Order. And while the trio is steadily cultivating its image and sound, for now it’s playing Factory Records-style dance music. ‘Chapel’s pulsing dance beats have a life of their own, but the music still has the chilly veneer…
Best Play
Employing a fierce theatrical imagination, this update of Homer’s epic poem traced the path of a Vietnam vet trying to reconnect with his son after the death of the soldier’s estranged wife. Playwright and composer Rinde Eckert employed a hypnotic sampling of operatic music, atonal measures, and recitative to convey the effect war has on…
Best Private Dick
If you even suspect your spouse is cheating on you, you’re probably right, says Mike Lewis, lead investigator and owner of Confidential Investigative Services. In 85 percent of the cases he investigates, someone is skanking around town. Almost always, the other woman (or man) is a co-worker. Since 1997, Lewis has trailed and photographed Cleveland…
Best Cursebreaker
Schultz got robbed in 2003. Her “Burden of Innocence” series, which told the tragic tale of a man wrongfully convicted of rape, was perhaps the best piece of journalism produced in this town in a quarter-century. But the pointy heads at Columbia University, who administer the Pulitzer Prizes, snubbed our local gal. Not to worry;…
Best Chiles Rellenos
There’s nothing fancy about the layout of this modest Mexican restaurant. But when the food is as good as this, a diner would be loco to care about artful appointments. Take the cheese-stuffed poblano peppers (chiles rellenos), for instance. Sure, any Mexican restaurant worth its tortilla chips can turn out decent chiles rellenos. But somehow,…
Best Place to Shed Your Inhibitions
Ever been to a sex shop full of rubber ball-gags, gimp suits, and studded male thongs, and wondered, “Who actually buys this stuff?” Well, here’s your answer. For beginners, start with the Organ Grinders Ball, held each spring, usually at the Metropolis in the Flats, which welcomes observers who aren’t yet ready to don nipple…
Best Tees for Local Pride
Our love for our city is akin to that of a big brother for his little sis – we can diss ’em, but if anyone else does, expect to see blood. It’s no wonder, then, that Revival has trouble keeping its line of snarky local tees in stock. The slogans celebrate everything from our sorry…
Best Women’s Haircuts
When fashion designers in Cleveland go looking for hairstylists, Gary Mandalfino, the owner of Salon Mandalfino, is the first person on their speed dial. Mandalfino has styled hair for events sponsored by Fashion for the Cure and the Rock Hall’s Club Rock Style. “Mandalfino likes to create hairstyles that makes women feel beautiful,” says model…
Best Radio Sports Talker
There can be no talk of Kevin Keane without addressing the allegations of homerism. Yeah, sure, okay – he’s guilty, there’s no whiff of doubt. Those who prefer more balanced sports talk, please point out a more rigorous local option. All the rest of us want is a yakker who feels our pain – and…
Best Public Pool
To find 10-foot-tall water slides with more twists and turns than an M. Night Shyamalan plot, you could go all the way to Geauga Lake’s Wildwater Kingdom – or just spend a day at Beachwood’s municipal pool. At this family-friendly “aquatic facility” (it’s too chic to call itself a pool), tons of squirmy, pot-bellied children…
Best Bar to Hook Up With a Hot CSU Student
On Thursday nights, Becky’s is more charged than a cell-phone battery. Located half a block from Cleveland State’s main campus, Becky’s is always packed wall-to-wall with students downing $2 domestic beers and and chowing down on specialty sandwiches. By 11 p.m., it’s harder to get a booth here than it is to get an autograph…
Best Public Art
Perhaps the best public art is the kind built before there even was such a term; certainly, the stonemasons who crafted the eight gloriously stoic Guardians of Traffic would scoff at such a dainty classification. Erected in 1932, the Guardians rise on four pylons positioned at both the Lorain and Carnegie entrances of the Hope…
Best TV News Anchor (Female)
Our local airwaves are full of chirpy, dyed-blonde anchorettes who seem better suited to hosting a sorority party than covering government scandal. Following the TV maxim “If it bleeds, it leads,” they wallow in the gore of local crime stories, feeling the victim’s pain like a cut-rate Clinton, then segue into the latest adorable-tyke story.…
Making the Banned
Three years ago, Pat Rowe stood transfixed in a London bookstore, reading Lilly & Jaguar, a riveting biography chronicling the relationship between two lesbians in Nazi Germany. “I’m still shocked at the way that Jews and gays were forced to live,” says Rowe, a former BBC Radio broadcaster and freelance writer for London’s Guardian. “It…
Goats Gone Wild
Old joke: “So what courses is Fred taking these days?” “Oh, he just switched to business administration. He was majoring in animal husbandry, but they caught him at it one day.” Punch lines aside, the sexual union of man and beast is one of the darker byways of eros, a topic most civilized people steer…
Mob Scene CD-release party
Shredding and shrieking, Mob Scene plays power metal the way it’s meant to be played: hard and loud, not too fast, and with precision. The band’s full-length debut, Borgata, unapologetically tips two axes to Iron Maiden and Queensryche, with a nod to Audioslave and an occasional ingot of modern metal. Singer Jozey Zeitler is a…
Best Decor
Part dining room, part art gallery, this new Hudson restaurant is home to the region’s most sizzling decor. From its soaring ceilings to its inlaid floors, no aspect is small or ordinary. Tall bronze sculptures flanking the entryway bring to mind ancient Asian temple gongs. The curvaceous bar is a marvel of black granite, cherrywood,…
Best Hot Dog
Since opening 27 years ago in a renovated 19th-century home in Amherst, Hot Dog Heaven has plated up more than 10 million all-beef franks. The regulars recommend a ballpark hot dog that’s topped with melted cheddar cheese and chili sauce made from a secret medley of vegetables, spices, and pinto beans. For a south-of-the-border kick,…
Best Rock Radio Station
Xtreme Radio – that’s “extreme” with an X, and you can’t fake that shit – is Cleveland’s kind of modern-rock station: heavy on the Foo Fighters and Audioslave, followed by more Audioslave and some Foo Fighters. But the Xtreme team isn’t afraid to push the envelope. In addition to hard rock, WXTM-FM 92.3 throws in…
Best Retro Heavy Metal
Akron’s best metal band rips, wails, and solos like it’s 1986 – and that’s not a bad thing. In “Better Off Dead,” Mob Scene singer Jeff “Z-man” Zaigen sings like he spent years studying Judas Priest frontman Rob Halford, then decided that QueensrØche’s Geoff Tate had all the answers he needed. “Mob Scene has a…
Best Musical
No director in the region can fill a proscenium arch quite like Fred Sternfeld, and his staging of the brawny musical Ragtime was a prime example of his talents. Painting a tapestry of lives and songs derived from the E.L. Doctorow novel, this production turned the enormous stage at the Tri-C Eastern Campus into early…
Best Puppet
He’s more eerie than Elvira and creepier than the Cryptkeeper. He’s the Doctor, Cleveland’s best horror-show host since the Ghoul. All those other scaremongers are good for snappy dialogue between segments of horror movies – but then they get back to the movie and waste your time on artsy crap like plot and character development.…
Best Political Comeback
It was the worst-guarded secret in Cleveland politics: Cuyahoga County Commissioner Tim McCormack’s daily temper tantrums were making the county’s already inefficient bureaucracy drag to a halt. Reenter Tim Hagan. After 16 years as a commissioner himself, Hagan quit to challenge Bob Taft in the 2002 governor’s race. Hagan got clobbered. Two years later, the…
Best Seafood
Nearly every upscale eatery offers at least a handful of amusing dishes made with ingredients plucked fresh from the sea. But at downtown’s beautifully appointed Sans Souci, chef Ben Fambrough has elevated the preparation of fish and seafood to true culinary artistry. Whether silken tuna tartare with green-olive jam, a chilled crab cake with citrus…
Best Way to Blow $2,500 in a Night
The folks at Cleveland’s swankiest hotel clearly have their priorities straight. When you emerge from the elevator on the top floor, you’re dumped directly into the posh club-level lounge. There, depending on the hour, you’re met by spreads of pastries, sushi, filet mignon, scones, tarts, cakes, and more. Oh, and there’s booze – a bar…
Best Thrift Store
From 20-cent coffee cups to $500 furs, Unique Thrift Store is a shopping mecca for hipsters and homemakers alike. Restocked four times a week, Unique Thrift has the best inventory in town. The warehouse’s racks of items are color-coordinated in a stunning rainbow of T-shirts and ties. The selection can be overwhelming, but painstaking organization…
Best Pedicure for Men
Of all the grooming zones men usually neglect, feet top the list. But rest assured that the eight pedicurists at Charles Scott’s Rocky River salon and spa are ready to trim, scrub, and file toenails to perfection. A basic 45-minute pedicure runs $42. It starts with a nail-and-cuticle trim. The toes are then exfoliated and…
Best Baseball on a Budget
Tribe games are fun and all, but if you don’t feel like taking out a second mortgage to pay for tickets and beers, try a night in Eastlake. The Indians’ Class-A farm team, the Lake County Captains, features baby-faced players earning paltry salaries and scratching to make it to the majors. Even if the baseball…
Best Beer
Like its vampiric namesake, this specialty brew rarely emerges from the shadows. But when it does, unwitting innocents fall under its spell. An ale crammed with more hops than LeBron James, Nosferatu’s inviting amber color and smooth finish make it instantly addictive. With a deceptive 8 percent alcohol content, Nosferatu lulls you into a stupor…
Best Bar to Hook Up With John Carroll and CWRU Students
Coeds from John Carroll and Case Western Reserve flock to McNulty’s, a popular Coventry beer garden. The cavernous wood-paneled bar, decorated with Ohio State, CWRU, and Kent State pennants, was designed with the college student in mind. Drinks are cheap, with daily specials like $1 cosmos and $1 bottles of Coors Light, and there’s free…
Best Civic-Minded Art Gallery
Linda Goik knows all about art snobbery, and she’s having none of it. The Lakewood silk artist opened the Local Girl Gallery in May 2004, intent on providing an outlet for area talent and demolishing the stigma that so often clings to fine art — you know, how it’s culture and all. Inside her modest…
Best TV Investigator
Everyone in Cleveland knows Carl Monday. His well-trimmed white hair is like a warning beacon to local bad guys, his bushy mustache a hairy extension of justice. But by the time they see the ‘stache, it’s already too late. Case in point: Early last year, Channel 3 ran promos of Carl Monday sneaking up on…
This Week’s Day-By-Day Picks
Paramore’s not your average emo band. For one thing, it hails from the very un-emo state of Tennessee. Plus, it’s led by 16-year-old Hayley Williams — a girl! Its debut CD, All We Know Is Falling, crams chunky riffs into super-catchy songs, all anchored by Williams, a charming firecracker of a singer. Paramore plays the…
Springtime for Hitler
If you get the History Channel, you’ve probably seen numerous documentaries about Adolf Hitler and his band of sociopathic goons. And perhaps you’ve idly wondered what it might have been like to live in that time, as a society rife with decadence and political instability lurched toward an obscene romance with fascism. You can get…
Alejandro Escovedo Orchestra
The question isn’t what Alejandro Escovedo’s accomplished over the past 30 years, but what he hasn’t. He played in the late ’70s punk band the Nuns and the trailblazing cowpunk quartet Rank & File before founding the revered alt-country rock troupe the True Believers. Escovedo then moved on to an acclaimed solo career that resulted…
Best View
Living in the city, it’s easy to forget that much of Northeast Ohio’s rolling, wooded landscape is heartbreakingly beautiful. Fortunately, it takes just a short trip to Twinsburg’s regally rustic Blue Canyon Kitchen to refresh our memories. Perched on a ridge overlooking the undulating topography of the Tinker’s Creek valley, this rambling log cabin of…
Best Pizza
We love pizza. Thick crust or thin, pepperoni or pineapple, red sauce, white sauce, or barbecue – we’ve known and dug them all. That said, our current heartthrob is Romeo’s Pizza, home to gooey and intensely seasoned pies, several of which come with prestigious pedigrees. Take the meat-loaded Butcher Shop, for example, a combo of…
Best Hip-Hop Radio Station
WENZ is the best steady source for hip-hop on the FM dial – not that it has much competition. Whether it’s midnight or 6 a.m., Z jocks spin 50 Cent, Foxy Brown, Missy Elliott, Destiny’s Child, and even a little Gwen Stefani (for all the Hollaback Girls out there). Between tunes, the city’s hottest mixmasters…
Best MC
“I’m from Cleveland,” Drastic spits on his latest mixtape, Cleveland’s Hope, “where ain’t nobody had a major deal or a chance to advance since Bones sold 30 mil.” And if anybody can change that, it’s this lanky MC with a delivery as silky as it is severe. Having made his name as one of Cleveland’s…
Best Actor
When burly Aled Davies swept onstage in a gown, as Lady Bracknell in the Great Lakes Theater Festival’s The Importance of Being Earnest, he became a battle-ax for all time. Using his basso voice to powerfully frame the sly, pursed observations of this upper-crust woman, Davies forged a maternal presence so powerful that other actors…
Best Pitchman
If you watch local TV, you’ve seen the commercial: Mikey, a rubber-faced, excitable rube, fans out a gangsta roll of bills and exclaims, “I’m gonna save you a lotttttta money!” The first time you see it, you think, “It’s terrible that the owner of this window company is exploiting the retarded.” The second time, you…
Best Political Strong-Arm Job
Though her reign as mayor has been based on the thesis that action can always be delayed, as long as there are more meetings to hold, Jane Campbell nonetheless made the best strong-arm move of the year. When Wal-Mart announced its foray into Cleveland, unions were up in arms. Here was America’s greatest welfare queen,…
Best Sushi
Sometimes, good things do come in small packages. That holds true for tiny Sapporo Sushi, where seven tables and a six-seat sushi bar just about pack the tiny space to overflowing. On the other hand, there is nothing small about the sushi coming out of owner and chef Young Ho Kim’s kitchen: not the styles,…
Best Wine Store
The Rossen family has been satisfying connoisseurs of fine wines since 1939. Today, three generations welcome customers into a warehouse-sized store with a calendar of events highlighted by Saturday-afternoon wine-tastings. Once a month, they’ll fly in vintners from as far away as California or Italy for afternoon lectures. And the $20-a-head wine gala the Rossens…
Best Arts and Crafts
Hollo’s is the best place to load up on paper and art supplies without busting your bank account. Half the store is taken up by art supplies, with various types of paints, canvases, and charcoals. There are rows of handmade papers and shelves of envelopes. Entire rooms are dedicated to colored paper of one weight…
Best Pro Team
When the Indians were 15 games behind Chicago, it appeared that our best-team honors would go to the summer-league champ at Wickliffe Lanes. But since then, the Tribe’s been hotter than a stolen haba–ero, chasing down the White Sox and posting the best record in the majors. They’ve done it with a string of breakout…
Best Golf Course You’ve Never Played, but Should
Buried in the thick trees and brush outside Kent, Boulder Creek is among Ohio’s best-kept golf secrets. Clumps of tall, unforgiving trees make golfers feel as if they’ve ventured to the fabled Monterey Peninsula. Water comes into play on seven holes, rewarding the disciplined and ruining the careless. And the course boasts enough sand to…
Best Beer You Make Yourself
It’s one thing when a microbrewery offers a wide selection of tasty beer; it’s quite another when it all but hands you the keys to the place. That’s the feeling you’ll get at the Brew Kettle, where you’re invited to craft your own brews, selecting from a beer menu of more than 60 varieties, everything…
Best College Bar Crawl
Kent Staters have long enjoyed drunken debauchery at the intersection of Water Street and Main. Thursdays are busiest during the school year, but any night will do. Start the evening slowly at Ray’s Place, where you can choose from more than 46 imported and domestic beers on tap. While you’re there, lay down a solid…
Best New Restaurant
Cleveland foodies owe major props to people like Zach Bruell and David Schneider, who have the talent, audacity, and acumen to launch world-class dining rooms like Parallax. Since opening the spot with restaurateur Schneider this past November, Executive Chef Bruell has been wowing his fans with his delicate blend of classical French technique and Asian-influenced…
Best Piercings
Anybody can punch a hole in your flesh and jam in a hunk of metal, but it takes a certain amount of class and professional expertise to make you relax for the process. And it’s that vibe that makes Columbia Station’s 252 Tattoo a favorite — not just with 18-year-olds celebrating their newfound independence, but…
Heavy Traffic
The Last Great Traffic Jam, a DVD of Traffic’s 1994 reunion tour, wasn’t meant to be anything but a concert film. But then drummer Jim Capaldi, who joined original bandmate Steve Winwood and a four-piece backing group for more than 75 shows a decade ago, died of stomach cancer on January 28. The new DVD…
Capsule reviews of current area theater presentations.
Amadeus — If your mortal enemy were in the same profession as you, chances are you’d wish him every failure possible, so that you could wallow in all the attendant misery. But Amadeus author Peter Shaffer might advise that you be careful what you wish for. Indeed, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was a giant thorn in…
David Allan Coe
What country music needs is a few more young guys like elder statesman David Allan Coe, one of the last dangerous men in C&W. A couple of weeks ago, re-release specialist Shout Factory dusted off Penitentiary Blues; out of print for 30 years, it’s the debut Coe penned while in the joint in the early…
Best Service
The thing about service is, it mostly gets noticed when it’s bad. But it makes an impact when servers go out of their way to fix what’s wrong. Take some past visits to Delmonico’s, for example. Even with reservations, our assigned table on one busy Saturday night was in a dull, out-of-the-way location. Disappointed, we…
Best Pizza by the Slice
The lunch line can be long at this aromatic Italian market, but it gives you ample opportunity to size up the day’s offerings. Conservatives may go for the greaseless, cheese-laden plain, for instance. Adventurers will probably zero in on trendy items like the Mexican pie, bejeweled with circlets of yellow pepper. And traditionalists may well…
Best Classic-Rock Radio Station
Talk to any disc jockey for more than three minutes, and there’s a 70 percent chance he’ll use this phrase: “Cleveland is a classic-rock town.” And no local radio station plays a purer mix of classic rock than WNCX 98.5. No Green Day. No mandatory Metallica. No stepdad-rock. Just the same favorites you (or your…
Best Beatmaker
If Akron-based producer Joe Minadeo were the blingy type, he’d take the crunk cup. Most beatmakers find a quirky sonic style and stick to that formula until their 15 minutes passes. Minadeo, on the other hand, has enjoyed a rare longevity through variety. He was one of the key figures in Cleveland’s venue-packing rap-rock group…
Best Actress
One measure of an actress is her ability to melt into different roles with credibility and impact, and Alison Hernan accomplished that splendidly in two productions at Cleveland Public Theatre. Last fall, Hernan played the politically tormented Zillah, a desperate woman who constantly scribbled hate letters to President Bush, in Tony Kushner’s A Bright Room…
Best Ghostbuster
Ordinarily, Bill Murray would be a shoo-in for this category, but this year we’re all about Mary Ann Wintkowski. The 57-year-old has been seeing ghosts since she was just a wee lass, like Haley Joel Osment in pigtails. It wasn’t until she was seven that she learned that other people weren’t seeing the same spectral…
Best Corrupt Politician
Joe Jones is one dumb sonofabitch. Just ask his lawyer. During his days on city council, he spent the bulk of his time shaking down businesses, mooching bribes in exchange for not putting up obstacles, and raising funds for his fictional Little League team. Here was a guy destined to get caught. But unlike the…
Best Beer-Battered Shrimp
Nothing beats savoring a basket of fried shrimp in a cool, dim corner of the neighborhood watering hole. So we were thrilled to discover that the Nauti Mermaid has raised this simple pleasure to a whole new level, with a fine selection of imported and micro-brewed beers and gourmet-quality deep-fried shrimp. Among the beers, draft…
Best Mall
It’s often said that the quality of a mall is determined by its department stores. Beachwood has three of the best: Dillard’s, Nordstrom, and Saks Fifth Avenue. Along with mall staples like the Gap, J.Crew, the Limited, Banana Republic, Guess?, and Brooks Brothers, Beachwood Place also has specialty shops you’d normally have to travel to…
Best Antiques Store
The Metropolitan stands apart from its trash-and-treasure neighbors with its high-end inventory of paintings, sculptures, and furniture from the 18th through the 20th centuries. Every six weeks, between September and May, the gallery puts thousands of collectibles on the auction block, with opening bids starting as low as $5 for Confederate-era trading cards and a…
Best Amateur Team
Cuyahoga Community College was never much of a sports powerhouse — until last year, its only championship team was a 1970s wrestling squad. But of late, Tri-C has emerged as a serious contender in the two-year-college hoops set. In 2004, it won the national championship. And this year, it almost repeated, going 25-8 before bowing…
Best Place to Run
There’s a reason the Polo Fields are the favored running spot of the Northeast Running Club, which meets there every Sunday morning for its weekly jogs. The dirt trails are relatively flat and kind to your knees, the low-hanging branches provide protection from the sun, and the horses that gallop through the park provide a…
Best Bar
“One-dollar beers” may be the most beautiful words in the English language, and they’re spoken every day at McCarthy’s Ale House in Lakewood, home to all that is good and just in the world of liquid intoxicants. McCarthy’s is actually three bars in one. By day, it’s headquarters for the shot-and-a-beer crowd, who come for…
Best Female Bartender
General manager Dan Novak runs one of the most down-home bars in the city. The Harbor Inn is the headquarters for longshoremen, Flats barflies, and working people of every stripe. The greatest attractions: the $2, 16-ounce master-cylinder cans of Pabst and the bartending of Anne Fitzgerald. She’s an unassuming sweetheart of a woman. A teacher…
Best Meal Deal
We’ve all been there: too tired to cook, too apathetic to get dressed up. But before you head to one of those faux “neighborhood” chain restaurants, consider Das Schnitzel Haus. Laid-back, inexpensive, and kid-friendly, this little eatery is a celebration of value, where a family of four can dine for around $35, provided at least…
Girl Power
THU 9/29 Randa McKenzie will hold nothing back when she goes onstage to talk about the guy who held her at gunpoint in her kitchen six years ago. “Here’s this white woman staring him down, and I’m the one lecturing him on black pride,” says McKenzie, who’ll ad lib an account of her harrowing tale…
Capsule reviews of current area art exhibitions.
Beautiful Dreamer — Romanticism is alive and well in the contemporary art featured in this huge exhibition. Filled with the sensual, mysterious, and playful — along with plenty of artsy mumbo-jumbo — Beautiful Dreamer demonstrates that intellectual trends haven’t quashed imagination and emotion. Jonathan Feldschuh may be the biggest daydreamer of the bunch. His immense…
Ryan Adams
One of the troublemakers at the Smoking Gun needs to publish Ryan Adams’ Lost Highway contract. In May, the ultra-prolific singer-songwriter released Cold Roses, a double album cut with the Cardinals, his current backing band; on November 1, he’s dropping 29, a solo disc produced by Ethan Johns, the same studio whiz who helmed Adams’…
Best Outdoor Dining
There are countless reasons to dig summer on the North Coast. But for fine-dining fans, none is more compelling than the chance to dine alfresco in the secluded garden of the Baricelli Inn. Nestled in the heart of Little Italy, the circa-1896 inn is home to chef-owner Paul Minnillo’s award-winning kitchen and his finely crafted…
Best Fried Chicken
First-rate fried chicken is as hard to find as hens’ teeth in North Coast restaurants these days, but that just gives us an excuse to head over to the Town Fryer, that unpretentious, southern-style roadhouse on the edge of Chinatown. Owner and chief fry baby Susie “Slingo” Porter defies tradition by using boneless, skinless meat…
Best Eclectic Radio Station
From Tori Amos to Warren Zevon, 91.3 is everything FM radio should be, but seldom is. Member-supported and commercial-free, the Summit County station is at once unpredictable and familiar – you’re never far away from an old favorite or a new love. No other station provides such a tasty serving of rock’s recommended daily allowance:…
Best Viking Rappers
For most MCs, being hardcore means getting lots of bad tattoos and owning the deluxe version of Scarface on DVD. But for Norse Law main man Valhalla Ice, it’s all about brandishing a broadsword, wearing a horned helmet, and rapping about Norwegian gods in a voice that sounds like Freddy Krueger with a tracheotomy. Now…
Best Director
With 2004’s production of Guys and Dolls, director Terri Kent proved that she can find the heart of Broadway’s biggest musicals and turn them into dazzling new experiences. From the cartoonish interplay of Damon Runyon’s gangsters to the romance between slick Sky Masterson and prim Sarah Brown, Kent brought out character details that make the…
Best DUI Attorney
Everybody hates lawyers – until they need one. And if you get popped for a DUI, S. Michael Lear is exactly the man you want on your case. Locally born and bred, this Case Western Reserve law-school grad has been coming to drinkers’ rescue for 16 years. If you make the mistake of blowing, Lear…
Best Political Reformers
Cleveland’s biggest curse isn’t the “Quiet Crisis,” brain drain, or NAFTA. It’s that no one can do business here without being shaken down by the mutts and leeches we elect. Of course, it would be nice if someone in City Hall grabbed the torch of reform. But since no one’s willing, that job has been…
Best Soup
The Souper Market prepares about eight different kinds of soup from scratch each day. The selection changes every month or so, and the soups are always made with fresh, in-season ingredients. The tomato soup puts Campbell’s to shame – it’s creamy and thick, with just a touch of pepper. Summer soups include a chilled Indian…
Best Laundromat
Running a good laundromat should be easy: Just install plenty of washers and dryers, and a functional change machine. Yet somehow, laundromats manage to screw this up. The Sno-Bright Laundromat is one of the few that gets it right. It has rows and rows of big, well-maintained washers and dryers. It also has three separate…
Best Retro Toys
Time passes slowly in this ever-popular toy store, which is among the few surviving retail shops in Cleveland Heights’ famed Coventry district. Here, you can reconnect with all of your old friends: G.I. Joe, Luke Skywalker, Mr. T, Captain Kirk, Rambo, the Hulkster – they’re all here, and they’ve missed you so. Not big on…
Best Athlete
Yes, LeBron James is a phenom, but Tim Mack has won it all. The Cleveland-born pole-vaulter – yes, pole-vaulter – won Olympic gold in 2004. He was a national indoor champion in 2002, and he won the Goodwill Games in 2001. Now, at age 33, he’s still hanging around the track-and-field circuit, where 33-year-olds get…
Best Frisbee Golf
There are eight Frisbee golf courses in Northeast Ohio, and the best is Sims Park in Euclid. What makes Sims Park different is the variety of terrain. The first four holes hug the shoreline and offer great views of Lake Erie. Other fairways are carved out of the woods, which gives golfers the chance to…
Best Old-Time Bar
Despite the bar’s official name, everyone calls it Mitzi’s, after owner Mitzi Jerman. The bar, an extension of her family home, is where she was born in 1914, and it’s where she’s lived and worked ever since. From the street, Mitzi’s gives off a soft yellowish glow reminiscent of old-fashioned oil lamps. Inside, the atmosphere…
Best Bar Boxing
Annabell’s understands that boozing and bruising go hand in hand. But unlike most bars, which employ bouncers to break up the bloodshed, the folks at this Akron hole-in-the-wall embrace the effects of too much Wild Turkey. In fact, they’ve marketed it. For $5, not including the bar’s famously priced $1 pints of Amber Bock, Annabell’s…
Best Wurst
Frank Ratschki moved to Cleveland from Austria in 1962 to partake in the American Dream — a dream that included tasty sausages. Since 1970, the Ratschki family has served his bold and spicy bratwursts from a small kiosk at the West Side Market. Today, Frank’s grandson works the stand and brags about the celebrities who…
Fan-Tastic
SUN 10/2 When Jhonny Peralta took over at shortstop in the ninth inning of the Indians’ final home game last year, he was engulfed by one of the loudest ovations of the season. Problem was, all that applause was for the guy walking off the field. Last year’s Fan Appreciation Day turned out to be…
Jesus Jams
Stryper fans have two passions: hair metal and Jesus. And thanks to the Orange County rockers, the two ceased to be mutually exclusive when their signature song, 1985’s “Soldiers Under Command,” broke onto airwaves with a rallying falsetto declaration: “We are the soldiers under God’s command.” And God commanded that there be shredding solos. The…
Michael Penn
In the five years since MP4: Days Since a Lost Time Accident, Michael Penn has kept busy, producing albums for Liz Phair and wife Aimee Mann, and scoring a movie or two. He’s also apparently been reminiscing about the decade before his birth, as the setting of his awkwardly titled new album is the midst…
Best Restaurant at the End of the World
When the apocalypse finally arrives, we’re booking a table at Downtown 140. Not only is the Hudson hot spot an elegant wine bar and eatery, but, snuggled deep inside a cellar, surrounded by massive sandstone walls, and boasting a world-class collection of vino, it would surely make the coolest hideaway ever. Busy sipping something chosen…
Best Barbecued Spaghetti
If you’re like most of our posse, you’ll think we’re crazy when we start raving about barbecued spaghetti. But the folks at this Texas-style roadhouse like to serve their barbecue with a side of whimsy, and this odd-sounding combo of spaghetti, meltingly tender smoked brisket, shredded jack cheese, and dark, savory barbecue sauce is about…
Best DJ
If there’s a counterpoint to the angry, juvenile ranting that infects morning radio in Cleveland, it’s the sultry Midwest twang of Rebecca Wilde. This adorable brunette can be heard every weekday on Q104’s Wilde and Fee in the Morning, dishing dirt on Hollywood for Celebrities: Uncensored or daring listeners to come to the studio for…
Best Live-Band Karaoke
Billy Morris has played guitar for Warrant and Quiet Riot, but now he’s training the spotlight on you. If you want to sing karaoke backed by a live band, the Billy Morris Band is the only game in town. The rock vets are prepared to play more than 50 rock and metal warhorses, but they…
Best Theater Company
Sure, it’s great if a theater company can be involved in many aspects of theater life: Producing plays, sponsoring educational efforts, reaching out to the community. And we have honored such companies here in the past (Cleveland Public Theatre, Beck Center). But sometimes a small group can make a big impression, when it relentlessly focuses…
Best Self-Proclaimed Paris and Nikki Hilton
Recently, Zach Phelps had a cocktail-induced epiphany: He is the male alter ego of Paris Hilton. In retrospect, the comparison was inevitable. A Cleveland hairdresser with a blond mullet and perfect bone structure, Phelps is often spotted pimped-out in gold aviators and a fur-lined coat, schmoozing at rock shows. The only one who can compete…
Best Local Indie Vixen
Last July, filmmaker Bob Gray premiered his new horror flick, Bigfoot, to a crowd of over 2,000 at the Mentor Lagoons Nature Reserve. The movie’s action and expensive Bigfoot costume raised the bar for local productions, but more important, it introduced us to Liza Foster. This sultry blond ingenue with a tomboy rasp could well…
Best Vegetarian
It’s been 16 years since this little downstairs dining room opened in an East Side shopping plaza, and in that time it has quietly developed into one of the most intriguing and delightful options around for adventurous vegetarians (and their carnivorous friends). Peking’s “Zen Vegetarian Cuisine” is a sort of Asian-new-age hybrid that relies on…
Best Store for Musical Instruments
Mushroomhead and Ringworm come here when they need gear. Peabody’s, the nexus for rock in Cleveland, went here for its sound system. When ace guitarist Steve Vai and glam punks My Chemical Romance came through town, they stopped here to get strings. And it’s where tomorrow’s rockers go for their first guitars. Guitar Center Cleveland…
Best Place to Browse Magazines
No matter how you get your kicks – whether from super-accessorized bikes, manga comics, or overweight ladies with a penchant for whips and masks – chances are good that Bank News has a magazine to suit your needs. It also stocks the best selection of ‘zines from around the globe, and we’re not talking about…
Best-Looking Athlete (Male)
This crazy Brazilian burst onto the scene last season, wooing female fans with his unruly hair and wild smile. When Andy shows up at his favorite haunt – downtown’s Brasa Grill, a Brazilian steakhouse – heads crane upward to meet his boyish glance, which hovers at almost seven feet. Confronting that rare combination – the…
Best Place to Hurt Yourself
Before you move your bike down to the basement this winter, go visit Ray Petro. He’s created a monstrous wooden obstacle-course for mountain/BMX riders in the bowels of a West Side warehouse complex. Since opening last year, Ray’s has already gained national attention in Dirt Rag magazine. Soar off box-jumps, fly ’round the 12-foot berm,…
Best Dive Bar
Flying under the radar for 30 years, the Shamrock is a true throwback. Ambiance, atmosphere, and nuance? Forget it. You’ll also find no self-aggrandizement, no bling-bling, no trendy decor, no Jäger girls circling with ludicrously overpriced shots, no live DJ, and no coordinated special events. The jukebox volume is always kept low, so it’s easy…
Best Noncommercial Jukebox
Most bar owners stock their joints with music they know the customers want to hear. Not so with John Nemeth, who personally loads the box with music he loves. “Good music is good music,” he says. Steering clear of the Top 40 route, Nemeth’s juke features a variety of artists you won’t find in other…
Best Downtown Grocery
Downtown workers and residents got a major lifestyle boost this past winter with the opening of Constantino’s Market in the Warehouse District. A robust blend of gourmet grocery, corner convenience store, and upscale carryout, Constantino’s offers just about anything an urban pioneer could ask for, including aspirin, cat food, and artisanal chocolates. (Hey, you have…
Tools of the Trade
FRI 9/30 Don’t get jazz guitarist Al Di Meola started on newfangled technology. “I hate Pro Tools,” says Di Meola, referring to the digital music software. “It gives you a multitude of choices that slows the whole process down. I find it easier to just play it than to have this technology slice and paste…
Built to Last
Twelve years ago, Nirvana was about to release In Utero, and Kurt Cobain locked himself in a bathroom, threatening to commit suicide. Twelve years ago, the only thing as startling as the sudden boom in alternative music was the inability of thrift stores to keep flannel shirts in stock. Twelve years ago, grunge was king,…
Super Furry Animals
The seventh album by these Welsh baroque-pop mavericks, refines their flamboyant songcraft in one grandiose, candy-coated, 54-minute package. Far more adventurous and fun (and less maudlin) than recent efforts by peers like Mercury Rev and Flaming Lips, Love Kraft slyly alludes to several classic-rock touchstones (Beatles, Nilsson, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young) and behind-the-scenes geniuses…
Best Bet at Crocker Park
Greater Cleveland boasts few better shopping meccas than Westlake’s Crocker Park, and there is no better place to refuel between trips to the fitting room than at good-looking Blake’s Seafood Restaurant. Blake’s big menu of well-prepared salads, wood-grilled seafood, and steaks is full of refreshing possibilities, ranging from beer-battered shrimp to seared ahi tuna. Better…
Best Greek
Veteran restaurateur George Servetas’ newest project, Kristofer’s is a hospitable neighborhood restaurant that serves delicious Greek standards at extremely reasonable prices. Among the starters, guests can’t go wrong with a cup of steaming hot avgolemono, Greece’s bright, bracing version of chicken soup, enriched with egg yolks, rice, and lemon; or the traditional saganaki, an ample…
Best College Radio Personality
As the “sick, sick mind behind 669,” Craig Callander helms the most scatological show on the Cleveland airwaves. Otherwise known as Dr. Lance Underpants and Sweet Ass Sassafrass, Callander comes with a nonstop barrage of oddball in-studio guests (everyone from the Insane Clown Posse to Cleveland furniture czar Marc Brown) and humor as black and…
Best Karaoke
Bo Loong has all the major ingredients of a great karaoke bar. First, its drinks are strong as hell. The restaurant’s recipe for mixed drinks: Add one ice cube and a thimble of soda, then start pouring vodka. Once you’re properly lubed, you’re ready to tackle the songbook, which is three inches thick and weighs…
Best Theater Honcho
It’s hard to imagine all the balls that must be juggled by the artistic director of a theater, especially one with such deep and meaningful roots in the community as Karamu. As an integral part of the inner city in Cleveland for 75 years and as the nation’s oldest African American cultural-arts institution, Karamu has…
Best Drag Queen
Before a “Ladies of Illusion” show at the gay-friendly Four Seasons restaurant last April, Mahogany Reason studied her reflection in a dressing-room mirror and gave her light-blue eye shadow a last-minute touch-up. As soon as she adjusted the jeweled choker that accented her satin-black gown, the 31-year-old former Miss Gay Cleveland bounded onstage to deliver…
Best Hideout for a Recluse
This little piece of Shangri-La, just 18 miles southeast of Cleveland, is the perfect place to lie low if you’re trying to avoid throngs of people seeking your autograph. The burg is currently home to Calvin and Hobbes creator Bill Watterson and Hollywood’s most infamous writer, Joe Eszterhas. Not that many people outside the area…
Best World’s Fare
Fictitious bon vivant and traveling gourmet Johnny Mango says, “Every time I eat, my mouth sings.” And after enjoying brunch, lunch, or dinner at Mango’s new East Side location, we suspect you’ll be humming right along. Like a world tour for your taste buds, the remarkably well-traveled menu roams from pad thai to Jamaican jerk…
Best Bookstore
With no wings dedicated to music, lattes, or multimedia, Mac’s is truly old-school, a welcome departure from the modern megabookstores. Mac’s keeps its focus squarely where it belongs: on the books. With three floors loaded with new and used volumes, its interior resembles a relative’s stuffy den. The eclectic selection ranges from classics to contemporary,…
Best XXX Store
Adult Mart aims to please porn collectors who scavenge for smut in its easy-to-navigate aisles. After a cheery “Hello,” one of the sex shop’s 10 clerks will offer a tour of the racks of X-rated movies and magazines on sale. With that kind of welcome, it’s no surprise that customers are put at ease, even…
Best-Looking Athlete (Female)
Maybe it’s the reflection from all her medals, but this 23-year-old swimmer positively glows. Munz, from Chagrin Falls, won bronze in the 2004 Olympics for the 800-meter freestyle, a nice complement to her gold and silver from the 2000 Games. More important, she has the flowing blond hair of a princess, or one of those…
Best Mountain Biking
Less than an hour from Cleveland lies some of the most challenging riding this side of real mountains. The Ravenna park boasts almost 10 miles of trails, ranging from laid-back cruising to stomach-in-your-throat technical trickery. Enter from Rockspring Road, and start with the trails close to the lake. They’re relatively smooth, so they’re good for…
Best Gay Bar
At this see-and-be-seen hangout for the University of Akron’s gay and lesbian coeds, the Interbelt’s scantily clad male dancers, “the go-go Cupids,” have boogied under strobe lights and disco balls since 1988. With drag diva Danyel Vasquez directing the club’s entertainment lineup, the former Ritz movie theater stages weekly hip-hop parties and drag shows. At…
Best Club to Book Your Band’s First Gig
Lakewood’s Phantasy Nite Club has long been a launching pad for new bands – if it worked for Trent Reznor, it could work for you. The Phantasy’s adjacent sister club, the Symposium, stopped hosting live music this year, but the Phantasy now presents bigger bills with twice as many acts. And more bands generally amounts…
Best Homemade Chocolate
Sweet Designs has more tasty treats than Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. In a little house behind the store, the people of Sweet Designs make over 100 different varieties of dark, milk, and white chocolate candies. The chocolate peanut-butter cup makes Reese’s seem like sugared sandpaper, and the chocolate caramel square is made with caramel so…
