I know, Cleveland fans. It’s hard. Being a winner for the first time in decades is not something that comes easy to the eternal underdog. Going from a total loser to an Eastern Conference champ overnight will totally fuck with one’s sense of self.
After years of embracing self pity and dashed dreams, you have no idea how to accept your new persona. Understand that being a winner doesn’t come naturally. You need the right set of tools (not the useful wrench kind, but the gay self-help kind, like the ones they use in Los Angeles). So, here are a few tips (from someone who used to live in L.A.) to help you adjust to your new life as champ, Cleveland:
1. Remember, Cleveland, you deserve to be a winner. After digesting 476 pounds of hot dog (not including buns or mustard), 762 pints of beer, and shedding approximately 13,579 tears (not including those absorbed by buns), you have proven yourself loyal and worthy of such honor.
2. Fear is a natural side effect of winning. You may be afraid that because you are now a winner, someone, like the San Antonio Spurs, will take that away from you. Remember, Cleveland, this is out of your control. Simply relish your time as a winner while you can. Steps 3-6 will explain how to do this.
3. First, you need to accept that you are a winner. To do this, you must realize someone else is the loser, namely, Detroit. Repeat this affirmation to yourself ten times daily: “Cleveland beat Detroit’s ass.” It will make you feel awesome.
4. You can also make this photo of Rasheed Wallace
your desktop wallpaper.
5. Stay away from ESPN.com, Deadspin.com, NBA.com, or any other website full of pessimistic pundits. Remember, these are the same people who predicted we’d lose against the Pistons. In fact, don’t talk to anyone who isn’t wearing a LeBron jersey.
6. As you hit the bar in the following week, remember that drinking is no longer a way for you to drown your sorrows. It is now a chance to party. Instead of taking longing sips off pints of Busch, you must now drink like a happy person. You must pound shots of tequila, each followed by a high-five and a “fuck yeah!.” Beer consumption may only occur in the form of chugging. You must repeat this until you are unconscious or find yourself doing coke in a stranger’s home.
7. Maybe you simply aren’t ready to embrace your championess. That’s O.K. In order to keep your loser side stabilized, here are a few affirmations you can repeat to yourself over the next week:
8. “Though the Cavs won on Saturday night, at least the Indians lost.”
9. “The Browns still suck.”
10. “I’m still unemployed.” --Denise Grollmus