There’s an engrained knowledge set that comes with living in Cleveland. You don’t have to live here long to become an expert in these things. For whatever reason, Clevelanders are certified experts in topics like traffic, real estate, failed restaurants and everything in between.
Here are a few things every resident inherently understands.
Clearing off just enough snow from the car to make it semi driveable
Sure, all that snow on your roof is flying off and distracting every driver behind you on I-480, and sure, you can’t actually see out the back window and the side mirrors are covered in ice. But there’s that one square foot of space on the windshield that’s good enough for you to feel comfortable piloting your SUV to work. Credit:Marco Verch/FlickrCCWhat to do with a grocery cart
Anyone from Cleveland will tell you that the correct way to return a shopping cart is to either leave it next to your car or ghost ride it into a nearby bush or hedge. Some grocery stores offer “cart corrals,” but these are more of a suggestion, and it will be a cold day in hell before I walk across a hot/cold parking lot to return a grocery cart for these Big Grocery fat cats. Credit:XomeoX/FlickrCCSTEAK
(2179 W. 11th St., Cleveland
Despite loose assurances to the contrary, Zack and Julian Bruell will not be reopening Parallax, the Tremont restaurant that closed last November after 18 years. But it will soon have new life and new operators.The trio of Terry Francona, Jason Beudert and Chelsea Williams – still riding high off their recent successes at Geraci’s Slice Shop in downtown Cleveland – have signed a lease to take over the iconic space. The budding restaurant group plans to open a unique steakhouse concept called STEAK early next year. Developed in partnership with consulting chef Sean Kerrigan, formerly of Urban Farmer and Red the Steakhouse, STEAK is bucking trends by offering diners a single cut of beef. That cut, the underappreciated coulotte, will be offered as part of an all-inclusive meal that includes a fresh salad, house-made rolls and unlimited hand-cut fries – all for $30. Credit: Google MapsTalking during concerts
That act that everyone paid good money to see perform? Second fiddle to Clevelanders, who you can find chatting away nonstop at every local venue in town. As John Mellencamp and others have noted, it’s something we excel at. (“Listen, hey, you guys, if these people don’t shut the fuck up I’m just going to leave, OK?” Mellencamp said at a recent show. “Because I’m not used to this crap. Look, guys, if I wanted to play in this type of drunken environment, I’d play outside or I’d play in an arena.” Sore luck, pal. Jared over here wants to tell his pals about what he had for dinner.) Credit: Photo by Eric HeisigCredit:Emanuel WallaceDevelopment deals
These can be super complex situations involving TIFs and tax credit assistance and knowledge of the current economic climate and supply chain issues, and Clevelanders wonder why all these real estate lawyers and developers spent so much time and money on getting educated because we understand and know all when it comes to deals without spending any of that time or money. Credit: Mark OpreaThe sales price of every house in Northeast Ohio
Did you know that your neighbor’s house sold in 2007 for $120,000?! Of course you did, you live in Cleveland. There’s a good chance between you and your partner that you both can map the property sales history of every home in your cul-de-sac and who overpaid for what, which is a very normal and sane thing to know, by the way. Credit: ZillowChristmas Ale First Pour Credit:Emanuel WallaceTwins Days
When: August 4th-6th
Admission: Free
Where: Twinsburg Town Square
What: Twins Competition, Food, Live Entertainment, Cornhole Tournament, Raffles, Parades, Twins’ Talent Show, Research Tents, Volleyball Tournament, ‘Twingo”, Group Photos, Amusement Rides, 5K Marathon and More Credit: Emanuel WallaceSeasonal fashion
Nobody knows better than Clevelanders than how to navigate the ups and downs of the old thermometer. Credit: Bill Squire/TwitterAnkles, elbows, bullpen management, offensive line schemes, time clock management, etc.
Whether it’s the inner workings of a knee or the usage of a left-handed reliever in the 8th inning, Clevelanders have deep and comprehensive knowledge of all things sports that both far surpasses that of the coaches and players currently employed by local teams but also those of every other team, so much so that it’s a real shocker Dwayne from River hasn’t gotten an interview with the Broncos yet. Or the Red Wings, give him a couple of days and he’ll learn hockey. Credit:Erik Drost/Flickr CCWho went to your local high school
Do you know Tim? He was six years below you. No? Well, how about Abbey, I think eight years above you. You see Margo lately? She used to hang with Spike down at the gas station after school, real bad scene. No, I didn’t go there. Why do you ask? Credit: Emanuel Wallace / SceneHow to navigate technical difficulties when trying to watch local sports
Fuck you, Bally. Credit: Bally SportsStaying home on election day
They say decisions are made by those who show up but Clevelanders know that it’s easier to sit on the sidelines and then bitch afterward. Credit: Scene archivesStadium/arena projects
Ask any Cleveland resident about the cost and benefits of tax-payer subsidized stadiums, and they will surely present you with a rational, well-thought out power point presentation on why a rich guy desperately needs our money for a stadium and an outdoor mixed-use shopping mall. Credit:Erik Drost/FlickrCCAccents
Rather, why we don’t have one. Credit: Twitter/XThe homeless
Take a problem littered with systemic causes no city has been able to solve and Clevelanders will come back and assert they know exactly what needs to be done. That is, and it is said with all Midwestern kindness — prevent the homeless from speaking to them. And being visible. And having to use the restroom in public, because what really burns up a guy from Westlake who just peed on the 14th hole at Boulder Creek Saturday and on the back of a Chevy Tahoe in the Muni Lot on Sunday is someone without access to a bathroom peeing in an alley near his downtown office. Credit: Scene archives“Take 480 at rush hour 🙄” – @_ian.a. It’s not that rush hour traffic is that awful in Cleveland. It’s mostly the drivers. Credit: Scene ArchivesParking
Where it’s available, where it’s not, why it’s too expensive, why there should be another lot closer to that place we want to go to, why asphalt is great, how many steps it is from the parking lot to the front step of a restaurant. This is something Clevelanders get without ever being taught. Credit:Erik Drost/Flickr CCCivilization
Self-explanatory. Credit: Cleveland Memory Project
