A plea from a smoker

[Author's note: The following is a completely uneducated, un-researched rant. Choke on it.] You people make me sick. Literally, right now I feel physically ill. What were you thinking yesterday? Smoking nowhere except bars sounds about right to me. Hell, might as well just isolate the two legal vices in the same place; seems fine to me. Why not just ban drinking, too? You fucking tools. In this day and age, we are dealing with multiple generations who have been made well aware of the risks of smoking. As for previous generations, did you honestly think breathing smoke into your lungs was good for you? Put down the Bible or something, retards. Let's all watch entertainment and nightlife jump down the crapper, shall we? That's what's going to happen come January, fuck-knuckles. Stupid bans like this work fine in places like California, because you have to go outside to smoke, no problem; it's nice all goddamn year long. Let's try that out in Ohio now: it's January, it's 12 degrees out. Fucking great. There will be violence, believe you me. There will be animosity and resentment and a fucking shitstorm of violence and people will be smoking the whole way through. So anyone who thinks that this is a "healthy" move is an asshole and deserves to die 3 billion deaths administered by 500 cripples on fire. You might be saying "Gee Alex, you're getting rather upset about this. Cigarettes are bad for you; this is a good thing in the long run." You know what else is bad for you? Drinking, sex, driving, human relationships, skateboarding, TV, crossing the street, French fries... where do you draw the line? I'm a miserable bastard, I'll admit it, but you know who's been there for me the last 7 years [I'm 22]? Cigarettes. Some people just eat pills heaped upon them by asshole doctors; I chose my medicine. I'm no Scientologist, but I'm with crazy-ass Tom Cruise 85 percent on the whole prescription drug thing. The shit's a crutch, and a crutch that's not doing too badly for itself. For christ's sake, think of the poor troops. They're out there fighting some stupid war and they come home and can't even have a cigarette or 'victory' cigar and their local bar. "Take it outside, asshole. You fought for this." I know I'm grasping at straws but I really feel fucking helpless right now. There are things I hate and/or dislike about myself, but smoking cigarettes is not one of them and I don't really appreciate getting legislated against. I believe in cigarettes and cigarettes believe in me, just like some people and God/Allah/whoever the fuck... only they're wrong because cigarettes exist and those beings are at best figments of peoples' imaginations, a bad dream had by many and believed by the simplest. Is this what I need to do? Start a fucking religion? What will it take? Why not let the shit be decided on the county level? Or the city level? Or — get ready for this -- let the businesses decide on their own, even offer some dumb-ass tax incentives for non-smoking places or higher taxes for places that allow it. McDonald's and 8 million other restaurants went non-smoking on their own. Fuck's sake... I guess just like octave chords, anti-smoking mania is here to stay. Yay for Ohio for passing this stupid-ass shit. I bet you think you really "changed" things and helped make this state a better place, but really you're just a fucking follower-ass bitch —every one of you. Maybe now we can declare war on fat people, since that's unhealthy, too. How about anger? Let's legislate anger out of humankind. It's bad for the heart and can lead to things like depression and aneurisms, stabbing, and rape. I'd like to see you try, but you'll have to kill me because I am one pissed off fat fuck right now. The funny thing is that "Big Tobacco" isn't really feeling the pinch all that much. Nope, they'll just continue pumping more and more cigarettes into Third World nations where people aren't as "high-minded" as us; where health care is shit and they can die worse than any of us Americans ever will from cigarette-related illnesses. Yep, we should all feel real proud of ourselves. Juan Doe and all his friends in South America are going to die, but you don't care because their second-hand smoke isn't anywhere near you. If you are in anything less than peak physical condition and you voted for this bullshit, I hope you choke on a chicken bone you fat, stupid asshole. Better yet, present me with a world where I don't feel the need to smoke, where I am not stressed out by the constant assaults on my brain by beer ads and douchebags; stupid old people and my chump-ass "peers". World War II was won by cigarettes. Truth. Fucking truth. When those poor Allied troops were stuck in some trench, the USO couldn't put smiles on their faces, and hookers were rather impractical in the middle of a firefight. That's when G.I. Joe would light up a Camel or stogie and start blowing some shit up. That's when Johnny Soldier would stomp some Nazi balls. Never in a million years did he think his country would betray him so. It's these fucking baby boomers. I hate them all. They had their fun and now we can't have ours, easy as that. They think they "learned something" from the '60s when in fact they were all just having a grand ol' time; so grand, in fact, that they don't want anyone having a better one. They take their cues from AARP magazine and their 401ks and call it a day. It's only getting worse from here, believe you me. Once the big, bad, smoking issue's been beaten to death, what comes next? A new Prohibition? Curfews? Forced morning exercises? Big Brother's gonna be more than a defunct skateboarding magazine or some inane reality show; it'll be all up in our shit, 24/7, 365. I realize this is a little overblown, a little crazy, but it just really bums me out. I don't have health insurance to get all doped up like so many people, and I don't think I should need any. My prescription's waiting for me at the corner store, the gas station, even the internet. Is it a crutch? Yes. My crutch, and unless you're planning on banning everyone and everything I find offensive, then fuck off. Fix the schools, fix welfare, fix Social Security, fix the roads and health care, fix our foreign policy, just leave me and my shit alone. A hopeless plea, I know. Alex Kellar Mentor

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