Brian Hoyer: An Etymology

• ESPN Cleveland

BRIAN HOYER (n): A professional football player from Lakewood, OH, who has returned — unceremoniously — to a hometown team with a stadium in kicking distance from the player’s High School. The starting QB for this Sunday’s match

HOYER (n): A synonym for the number 19, deployed situationally. (E.g. “Hey, how many miles down to Brunswick?” / “Damn, at least a Hoyer. A good Hoyer, maybe 25.”, thought to be in reference to obsolete form of native American currency. 2: A touchdown pass from a Brian Hoyer. 3: An interception from a Brian Hoyer. 4: An aggressive strain of early hair loss.

HOYER (v): 1: To give up, i.e. to tank. 2: To hope against hope i.e. without cause or logic. 3: Improbably, to grow to a height of 6’2″ one afternoon; or, generally, to experience a rapid growth spurt. 4: To hire for services (pejorative). 5: To fire (from def. #4, in the way that “literally” has come to mean the opposite of its original definition. 6: To pray in a chapel or factory. 7: To murder, maim or physically tamper with Brandon Weeden.

HOYER (adj): i.e. “Going Hoyer” — What may have been an initial mispronunciation of “Going haywire,” “going Hoyer” implies a profound organizational confusion, corruption or malaise. In current usage, may connote generically preposterous behavior, (i.e. I heard Dan just offered that cop all his weed and then went rollerblading on icy streets!” / Yeah man, dude’s been going Hoyer a lot lately.”)

HOYER (adv): Roughly synonymous with “apeshit” or “batshit” or even “Hella” (adj or adv) as amplifier of words associated with mental instability, but to an even wackier and more medically suspect degree, (I.e. He went Hoyer berzerk.)

Hoyeurism: (n) casual interest in the dumpster fire that is the Cleveland Football Browns
— Denny (@dennymayo) September 18, 2013

HOYEURISTIC (adj): Adjective form of “Hoyeurism”

“HOYERED UP” (colloquial): A la “lawyered up,” an expression connoting preemptive preparation for imminent doom.

AHOYER (exclamation): 1: Not unlike the nautical call used in hailing, but specifically in football tailgating scenarios. 2: Celebratory chant after touchdown thrown by a Brian Hoyer.

HOYERHOYERHOYER (exclamation): a la “Ay yay yay yay yay,” to express total dismay and futility at the state of the world’s affairs.

This article appears in Sep 18-24, 2013.