Bring on the Nasty

We know our annual reader poll on sex and romance isn’t particularly scientific, but we worry about you all the same, dearest Clevelander. This year, we’ve asked you another round of probing questions about your private lives, and you’ve provided your usual outpouring of disgusting and troublesome responses. Indeed, you folks are the reason the rest of us hover over public toilet seats.

But this year we’re not gonna sit idly by as you devolve into the sort of sex-fueled degeneracy that could be dangerous to our pets. We’re getting you the help you need. We’re calling in a specialist.

Enter Laura Chapman, a Cleveland psychotherapist who has seen her share of freaks and fiends in 30-plus years of plying her trade.

“You don’t get to this position without having heard everything,”

Laura says coolly. “Nothing much shocks me anymore.”

If anybody’s got a stomach for this, it’s Laura. So we took a deep breath and assessed the results of this year’s survey, made note of the key statistics and the most telling responses, then we signed up for an appointment with Laura on your behalf. Something’s not right with you, and we’re taking it upon ourselves to get you fixed.

Or, in the fortune-cookie wisdom of Laura herself: “Sex is a part of life. It’s really important, it’s not important at all, and it’s everywhere in between.”

So find yourself a calm place, settle in for this year’s exploration of depravity, and keep an open mind to Laura’s advice. We’re doing this for your own good.

What’s the best place for a romantic date?

TOP ANSWER: Dinner at a restaurant.

But what an oddball batch of dining options you served up:

BD’s Mongolian Barbeque? Carrabba’s? Dave & Buster’s?

What, Rally’s wasn’t taking reservations?

Other responses:

• Local wineries.

• Along the Gold Coast shoreline.

• Back of a car.

• Cleveland Museum of Art.

• Camping.

• Dawg Pound at Browns game.

• Edgewater Park.

• My bedroom.

• Picnic at the beach.

• Up on a mountaintop in high summer.

• West 25th Street.

• Wherever there is alcohol and

clothing is optional.

• Whiskey Island.

And the top prize for earnest female response goes to: Romance isn’t about place. You could have the most romantic date of your life in your living room if you’re with the right person.

Thanks for weighing in, Aunt Margie!

Tell us about your most regrettable date:

• Blind date, Blossom, left him there.

• Dinner with girlfriend and her ex-husband’s fam.

• The first date with my ex-husband.

• 8/11/69: DaNang. Got a Charley gook whore that was set up with a

coochie fulla razor blades.

• After a night at a local bar hanging out with an incredibly horny

blonde, we go back to my place only to find my ex-wife passed out

drunk on my couch. So I told the blonde maybe another time and

bitched out the ex for being there. The next day I changed the locks.

• After work a few of us went to the Public House at Kamms Corners.

I was 18 and he was married, but I was naive enough not to realize what it was until we kissed.

• Happened twice last year: Inviting “dates” on trips and thoroughly

enjoying each other’s company, only to find both times I was used for

them to be able to travel all-expenses-paid for a week.

• I was kidnapped by a girl that lived on the East Side. I’d never been

there before and had no driver’s license or cell phone. She made me

watch the whole movie May twice. I thought I was going to die.

• Lunch with the lead singer of Kingdom Come. He was a total

asshole to the wait staff, and I walked.

• Took her to dinner not knowing she was a vegetarian, and she couldn’t find

anything on the menu. Also forgot the tickets to the event.

• We used to have an “ugly girl” contest. I “won” by getting the ugliest

girl at the Akron Agora.

• Went to shake the hand of a girl’s mother in high school before

realizing her right hand was a “chicken wing”!

What was your most embarrassing sexual moment?

• Caught in the act by my mother.

• Cutting my foot on the bedframe while changing positions.

• There have been multiple times throughout college that I’ve

had to stop mid-bang and deal with hangover-related issues.

• Getting caught mid-act in the Metroparks.

• Got a nosebleed during oral sex. I thought it was her period. She was

still laughing when I came back from the bathroom with a Kleenex.

• Once I was dating this girl who lived in PA. She was what most people

call a “squirter.” Let’s just say I didn’t throw my clothes far enough

away and ended up driving the two hours home in a soaking wet T-shirt.

• Sharting while laying in bed naked having romantic

conversation post-sex.

What local public servant is actually

pretty hot when you squint just right? And given 10 minutes alone in that

servant’s chambers, what would you do?

• I can’t squint that hard.

• Public servant and “hot” don’t go

together. Ever.

• Ed FitzGerald: I’d do the same I

do for my boyfriend — make his eyes roll

to the back of his head.

• Judge Joan Synenberg: I’d spread

her legs and eat her for lunch.

• Jimmy Dimora: I’d

bribe the shit out of him.

• Maureen Harper, Chief of

Communications for City of

Cleveland: I’d do things that

are only legal in Mexico.

• I love Dennis Kucinich

for his brain: I’d discuss our radical liberalisms for 8 minutes but then before we can do anything else his tall wife comes and forces me out and they

get down to business instead.

• Former WDOK DJ Nancy Alden: I’d strap her

down on the bed and taste her pussy.

• The nude torso on the Justice center:

I would give her head. Natch.

What famous Clevelander would

you most like to bang and why?

TOP ANSWERS:

Halle Berry and Michael Symon

Other responses:

• Allie LaForce, because she is an up-and-comer.

• Betsy Kling … those dimples and that ass get me every time.

• Coach Shurmur … maybe it

will improve the team.

• James Marsden (his grandma

lives here so I think he counts).

• Josh Cribbs: I like a gentleman that didn’t

dis Cleveland.

• LeBron … I think it would be cool to reenact that scene from Pulp Fiction … you know the one.

• Lee Jordan. Been wanting to hit that for a long time.

• Tracy McCool from Fox 8 is way hotter in

person than you’d expect.

• Patricia Heaton. I’d eat that like it was a bowl of ice cream.

• Pre-pregnant Sharon Reed. Never had a black chick.

Best Cleveland-area locale where you can’t legally have sex but you did anyway.

• Bathroom at Flannery’s Pub.

• Behind the Free Stamp.

• Christie’s.

• Edgewater Park.

• Huntington Beach.

• Is this entrapment? It sort of feels like entrapment.

• Johnny’s restroom.

• Mentor Headlands.

• The Metroparks.

• Nautica Stage at 3 in the morning.

• Parking garage at East Ninth, waiting for traffic to clear out.

• Reptile house at the zoo.

• The Rock Hall.

• The CWRU football field, but watch out for turf burns.

• Tower City Amphitheater, in the middle of a show, on the edge

of a mosh pit during a Flogging Molly concert. She had a skirt

and platform boots. Score.

• Wendy Park.

What’s the strangest place you’ve ever had sex?

• A chapel in a dorm at the University of Dayton.

• A city street fair.

• At school behind a vending machine.

• Boss’s office.

• Does a handjob while sitting at the bar and talking to the bartender at the old House of Cues count?

• In the back of an ambulance.

• In the butt — ha-ha, Newlywed Game flashback!

• On my neighbor’s roof. Not that great, believe it or not.

• On the observation deck at Perry’s Monument on Put-in-Bay.

Quick doggy style interrupted by elevator opening and people

entering the observation area.

• On the shore of Lake Erie in late February — very cold.

Conceived my first child.

• The bathroom of the House of Swing.

What’s the best local place for a hookup?

TOP ANSWER: The Warehouse District

Other responses:

• Any winery out east.

• Around the Corner.

• Barroom. It’s too easy sometimes though.

• Christie’s.

• Heinen’s.

• Now That’s Class.

• Pug Mahone’s.

• The Harbor Inn.

What’s the best place for finding your future spouse?

TOP ANSWER: Indians games. Girls there usually love sports (check),

are hot (check), tanned (check), and not afraid to show some skin to

attract males. All great qualities.

Other responses:

• A Cleveland Orchestra show. Classy yet kinky.

• Anywhere but West Sixth.

• Church.

• Farmers markets.

• Doing community theater.

• Home Depot.

• Cleveland Museum of Art.

• Who needs a spouse when it is so easy to fuck some other asshole’s spouse?

Do you have a confession you’d like to

make to a lover past or present?

• I should’ve fucked you when you booty-called me.

It would’ve been a nice last run before I started seeing my wife.

• Cheated on ex-wife once, but she did it even worse to me.

• I was thinking about your mom the whole time.

• I wasn’t really sorry that time I accidentally came in your eye.

• I went on a date with your mother a month after we broke up.

• To my ex-husband: I hated every single minute with you.

• The sex was the worst I ever had, ever!

What’s the greatest thing you’ve learned from experience?

• It’s not the meat. It’s the motion.

• Age is just a number. Sex is just natural.

People are just people. And nothing is

ever as big a deal as you imagine.

• Always have the number of dicks exceed the

number of vaginas.

• Bitches be crazy. Perhaps cliché, but so, so true.

• No matter what the hole, only three fingers, tops,

can realistically fit in. Unless you are in the circus.

• Chemistry is everything. You cannot create it;

it has to be there to start.

• Everyone’s crazy and nobody’s perfect. Life’s too short to

not be as happy as possible. So never settle for someone who

doesn’t get you or wants to change you into something you’re not.

Move on and be happy.

• Full house beats 3 of a kind, but nothing beats a blowjob.

• Get her to orgasm first, then enjoy the ride.

• I love getting my balls licked.

• If you’re ten years older than the girl you’re dating, either demand

an open relationship or don’t be surprised when you get cheated on.

• It’s better to spit out than swallow.

• Sex gets better with experience, and if you’re monogamous,

you only infect each other with whatever disease you have.

• The older I get, the better I get. No bullshit.

• Know when to just nod and smile.

“Surprisingly, or perhaps not, 2 out of every 3 respondents were dudes.

“ Women either are functioning better with their lives or they don’t want to share it,” says Laura. “Maybe guys are more willing to put themselves out there. Maybe they should be talking to women more and expressing themselves less in anonymous surveys.””

The national

gay population is pegged at around 3.5%. Yet not a single respondent identified as being straight-up homo.

“Maybe it’s that gay people feel too trivialized — or maybe too mainstream — to be a part of it,” says Laura. “That would be sad.”

Who would you rather….Halle Berry or Kate Voegele?

Halle: 61%

• Because she was dirtay in that movie with Billy Bob Thornton.

• Because a hot bat-shit crazy cougar turns me on.

• She ages well.

• At least Halle looks like she would know what to do in bed.

Kate: 32%

• Because she has actual talent.

• Anyone that can sing like that has got to be crazy in bed.

• Young and innocent … and breasts you just can’t ignore!

• Musician chicks are sexy.

Doesn’t matter/other: 7%

“I think all the embarrassments and

all the worst dates are pretty universal,

and I would say the kinks are too,”

Laura says without batting an eye.

Best Cleveland-area locale where you can legally have sex.

TOP ANSWER: Club Eros

Other responses: • Ninth and Euclid. I sodomize there. • Given my druthers, I would have to say Parma Mayors Court. • Behind produce section of Giant Eagle. • Escape. • Renaissance Hotel. • The Ritz.

“I sort of thought that

era was gone,”

Laura says when informed

what Club Eros is.

“Things that are forbidden tend to appeal to a younger crowd,”

Laura says. “The question with any of these is: Was it pre-meditated?

People generally like having it be slightly public and slightly risqué, and we seem to have a lot of guys in this area who like to admit to that.”

“I hope they have a

condom machine.”

Who would you rather….?

Colt McCoy or Grady Sizemore

Colt:

• He is a gentleman.

• Baseball players are gross with all their steroids

and belly pudge and spitting.

• Colt is better looking.

• He’s on fire!

Grady:

• I am pretty sure Colt McCoy is too stupid

to fuck well.

• At least he looks like an adult.

• It’s all about the smile.

• While everything is bigger in Texas,

nice guys finish last.

• Colt’s been fucked too many times this year.

Patricia Heaton or Michael Heaton?

Your answer settles a sibling wager.

Michael: 29%

• I don’t eat tuna.

• Great sense of humor.

• The title “Minister of Culture”

sounds really impressive.

• He’s still in Cleveland.

• It’s the goatee.

Patricia: 52%

• Funny and pretty — the best combo ever!

• Although if you squint they look alike.

Patricia but with Michael’s Beard: .1%

Don’t know/neither: 19%

Michael: 29%

• I don’t eat tuna.

• Great sense of humor.

• The title “Minister of Culture”

sounds really impressive.

• He’s still in Cleveland.

• It’s the goatee.

Patricia: 52%

• Funny and pretty — the best combo ever!

• Although if you squint they look alike.

Patricia but with Michael’s Beard: .1%

Don’t know/neither: 19%

What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done?

• 5 guys at once

• Anal sex in the kitchen of my ex-girlfriend’s apartment.

The blinds were open, the lights were on, plus her roommate

could have walked in at any moment.

• Dressed up in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform, my date dressed as a priest.

He washed my feet with his hair, and then…

• Every June I tie my dick in a square knot until after Labor Day.

• Got a blowjob in the same room my wife was in.

• Had sex on the 13th hole at a golf course.

• Had sex overlooking the I-71 overpass.

• Hot wax, tequila, a knife, handcuffs, and a vibrating cock ring.

• I haven’t been very adventurous, but one time I had to untangle my

roommate’s boyfriend from our window blinds after she decided that

was the most stable place to tie him up.

• Let wife play with others.

• Made love at Spaces art museum.

• Sex in the bathroom where I work.

• The “guess what object I’m putting in you while blindfolded” game.

• Tied up my husband and then did his asshole, much to his surprise.

Laura concedes that her choice of dream Clevelander dates her just a bit: Paul Newman. “He was an actor,” she says with a faraway gaze. “But that was his job. It wasn’t his life.”

Ever gotten it on with

more than one person?

If so, how did that go?

• Yep. It was fine but felt embarrassing the next day.

• 2 girlfriends … I slept for two days afterwards.

• Eiffel Tower. Was hilarious.

• No, but a double cowboy sounds nice.

• Pekar and I double-banged R. Crumb back in ’71.

It was fine, though Pekar smelled like old cheese.

• Helped a friend service his girlfriend back in college. I think his

girl and I enjoyed it more than he did. But we’re all still friends today.

• I have enough trouble satisfying one woman. If I had to try

to satisfy more than one at a time, I think my brain would melt.

• Four girls from a roller derby team out west.

It went OK. Not as fun as expected.

“If you notice, the 65 percent who say

they’ve had multiple partners matches the percentage of males who took the

survey. I find that interesting.”

Touche, good doctor!

“God bless those people that are

even admitting

to these things,”

Laura says.

“Even if they

probably

are lying.”

Machine Gun Kelly or Leon Bibb. You gotta pick one.

MGK: 37%

• Because Leon Bibb might have a

heart attack at his age.

• All about the tats.

• I guess he allegedly willed a

disabled child to walk? That probably

is indicative of deeper skills.

• Never Leon Bibb — he gives me the creeps.

Leon: 26%

• Fo sho.

• He seems congenial enough.

• Kelly is a douche.

• Class act.

• Leon Bibb is one fine chocolate banana.

• Great voice.

• MGK is so obnoxious.

Don’t know/neither: 37%

“I do know Leon Bibb,” Laura says evenly, her voice giving

way to a sip of decaf latte. Not sure what to make of that.

As it turns out, Laura Chapman, ace psychotherapist, isn’t all that worried about you after all. “There’s something about the answers across the board that speaks to longing and connection and intimacy,” she says. “And that’s sweet. People are romantic, and they long for intimacy and they long for a playful side. They also have their anger about the disappointments they’ve had.”

And in the end, it’s all perfectly passable that you’d like to boff a judge, or that you’ve soiled countless family attractions with your various secretions, or that you’re a cheating satchel of shit who doesn’t feel all that guilty about it.

“As raunchy as people are, people still long for relationships,” says Laura.

“Romanticism is what pulls people forward in life.”

This article appears in Feb 8-14, 2012.