Bring on the Nasty

It’s Scene’s Lust survey on sex & romance. Grab a towel and join the fun

We know our annual reader poll on sex and romance isn't particularly scientific, but we worry about you all the same, dearest Clevelander. This year, we've asked you another round of probing questions about your private lives, and you've provided your usual outpouring of disgusting and troublesome responses. Indeed, you folks are the reason the rest of us hover over public toilet seats.

But this year we're not gonna sit idly by as you devolve into the sort of sex-fueled degeneracy that could be dangerous to our pets. We're getting you the help you need. We're calling in a specialist.

Enter Laura Chapman, a Cleveland psychotherapist who has seen her share of freaks and fiends in 30-plus years of plying her trade.

"You don't get to this position without having heard everything,"

Laura says coolly. "Nothing much shocks me anymore."

If anybody's got a stomach for this, it's Laura. So we took a deep breath and assessed the results of this year's survey, made note of the key statistics and the most telling responses, then we signed up for an appointment with Laura on your behalf. Something's not right with you, and we're taking it upon ourselves to get you fixed.

Or, in the fortune-cookie wisdom of Laura herself: "Sex is a part of life. It's really important, it's not important at all, and it's everywhere in between."

So find yourself a calm place, settle in for this year's exploration of depravity, and keep an open mind to Laura's advice. We're doing this for your own good.

What's the best place for a romantic date?

TOP ANSWER: Dinner at a restaurant.

But what an oddball batch of dining options you served up:

BD's Mongolian Barbeque? Carrabba's? Dave & Buster's?

What, Rally's wasn't taking reservations?

Other responses:

• Local wineries.

• Along the Gold Coast shoreline.

• Back of a car.

• Cleveland Museum of Art.

• Camping.

• Dawg Pound at Browns game.

• Edgewater Park.

• My bedroom.

• Picnic at the beach.

• Up on a mountaintop in high summer.

• West 25th Street.

• Wherever there is alcohol and

clothing is optional.

• Whiskey Island.

And the top prize for earnest female response goes to: Romance isn't about place. You could have the most romantic date of your life in your living room if you're with the right person.

Thanks for weighing in, Aunt Margie!

Tell us about your most regrettable date:

• Blind date, Blossom, left him there.

• Dinner with girlfriend and her ex-husband's fam.

• The first date with my ex-husband.

• 8/11/69: DaNang. Got a Charley gook whore that was set up with a

coochie fulla razor blades.

• After a night at a local bar hanging out with an incredibly horny

blonde, we go back to my place only to find my ex-wife passed out

drunk on my couch. So I told the blonde maybe another time and

bitched out the ex for being there. The next day I changed the locks.

• After work a few of us went to the Public House at Kamms Corners.

I was 18 and he was married, but I was naive enough not to realize what it was until we kissed.

• Happened twice last year: Inviting "dates" on trips and thoroughly

enjoying each other's company, only to find both times I was used for

them to be able to travel all-expenses-paid for a week.

• I was kidnapped by a girl that lived on the East Side. I'd never been

there before and had no driver's license or cell phone. She made me

watch the whole movie May twice. I thought I was going to die.

• Lunch with the lead singer of Kingdom Come. He was a total

asshole to the wait staff, and I walked.

• Took her to dinner not knowing she was a vegetarian, and she couldn't find

anything on the menu. Also forgot the tickets to the event.

• We used to have an "ugly girl" contest. I "won" by getting the ugliest

girl at the Akron Agora.

• Went to shake the hand of a girl's mother in high school before

realizing her right hand was a "chicken wing"!

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