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Dear Scene:

If I did empty a 55-gallon drum into a storm drain in Strongsville, it definitely did not contain cyanide. And no way was it the same punctured drum that investigators found at my home. Besides, I'm an invalid in a wheelchair, how could I push around a heavy drum full of toxic chemicals? I'm on dialysis, too. And suffering from Alzheimer's, so I don't remember what I did last week, much less in the spring. Need any more excuses? I got a million of 'em.

Renato Montorsi

Grafton

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Dear Scene:

Those scumbag Democrats! Imagine trading slices of pizza for votes. How low can they go? We never ply our voters with anything less than caviar with crème fraiche, or oysters on the half-shell, paired with a nice Chardonnay or Sauvignon Blanc. You want a big turnout, you have to put up big bucks. Just ask Karl Rove.

Bob Bennett

Columbus

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