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Punxsutawney Phil, rodent weather oracle extraordinaire, done effed up this year—seriously, just look outside—and now Butler County, Ohio, is pissed on behalf of all Ohioans that Phil’s prediction of an early spring wasn’t exactly on point. The county’s prosecuting attorney, Michael Gmoser, filed an indictment, “The State of Ohio vs. Punxsutawney Phil,” that charges the little dude with “misrepresentation of early spring” and calls for the death penalty: “Since he’s already serving a life sentence behind bars… there wasn’t much left as far as a penalty other than a death sentence,” Gmoser told Cincinnati’s Fox 19 News.

Our theory is that Dominion is manipulating the weather gods like the greedy, power-hungry puppeteer it is, and Phil is just a pawn in their sick game. That, or Phil did exactly what we do when we’re trying to hibernate and a bunch of guys dressed like 19th century railroad barons knock on our cages with enameled canes and demand that we prophecy vague meteorological phenomena—we get grumpy and confused.

Since Punxsutawney Phil has historically performed with a pitiable 39% accuracy rate, we propose finding a less fat and sleepy arbiter of spring tidings, maybe someone who dabbles in uppers and actually belongs behind bars. Like Lindsay Lohan.

This article appears in Mar 20-26, 2013.

8 replies on “Ohio Blames Punxsutawney Phil for Faulty Forecast, Demands Death Penalty”

  1. This is stupid!! Beyond stupid and a waste of tax payer money!! Shouldnt the county’s prosecuting attorney be more worried about chasing after real criminals that commit real crimes like murder or armed robbery? No wonder so many people laugh at our state.

  2. No one is laughing at your state but I am laughing at your lack of sense of humor. Clearly this is satirical in nature.

  4. Janis I have a wonderful sense of humor ask anyone I know and in fact have been accused many times of finding the stupidest s**t funny and if they would have just said this I probably would have laughed at it and moved on but to go so far as to draw up actual court papers takes the funny right out of this and moves it to a waste of our hard earned money. This is a public servant who on our time getting paid our dollar to f**k around. I would rather he did his job and got the real dangers of society off the streets instead of wasting our money on this stupidity. You may find it funny to have your tax dollars wasted but I certainly do not!

  5. Hmm wasn’t aware they actually drew up papers to take this to court, I assumed it was part of a fabricated satirical story but if they did you are right it is a waste of time and tax payer dollars.

  6. Well it’s down in Butler county, they make their own alcohol and everyones related 2-3x anyway…
    Not what one would consider a drawer full of sharp knives….

  7. It’s a freaking groundhog, people. The real idiots are all the people that listen to a giant rat for their weather forecast and actually expect it to be correct!

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