Meet Charles Marshall, a 28-year-old Cincinnati gentleman with a penchant for masturbating with teddy bears in public.
No, when Marshall was recently arrested at a health clinic after staffers noticed him giving his tallywhacker the teddy treatment in an alley, it was not the first time. It wasn't even the second time. Or the third.
This marks the fourth occasion that Marshall has been cited for getting down and dirty with a stuffed animal in public, thus putting to rest any speculation it was all some deviant viral marketing for Mark Wahlberg's new bear-buddy movie, Ted.
The police report even notes that Marshall's proclivity for stuffing his pecker in Paddington Bear "has been an ongoing problem." Marshall, apparently, likes to mix his plushophilia with exhibitionism, a recipe for run-ins with the law and your picture spread all over the internet with headlines like, "Man arrested for having sex with teddy bear." If only he could be content taking Fozzie Bear to poundtown in the privacy of his own home, none of this would have happened.
It is unclear whether Marshall used the same teddy bear on each occasion.