Productivity in Cleveland Craters as Everyone Watches a Little Digital Man Slowly Walk Toward the Finish Line to Buy 'Hamilton' Tickets


CLEVELAND — Reports of widespread office and workplace inactivity swamped the Cleveland area this morning as Playhouse Square opened the general public sale for tickets to Hamilton. A virtual waiting room greeted those hoping to score seats for the critically acclaimed play. Progress was measured by a little digital man inching his way across the screen.

"It's kind of mesmerizing," said one woman who declined to give her name. "He's just there, marching and marching and marching. You have to admire his patience."

"Yeah, he's just resigned to his fate, whatever it is, like the rest of us," said a coworker from the next cube over. "Walking into the future and the unknown, hoping for the best but expecting the worst."

Furious updates between spouses, friends and families were exchanged over texts, gchats and emails, each containing an approximation of how far Little Man was from the finish line.

"Looks like 60%, where are you," one frazzled daughter texted her mom.

"Hi!
Pretty close.
It doesn't show a percentage though?
Where do you see that?
[fingers crossed emoji] [fingers crossed emoji] [fingers crossed emoji]
Luv u," responded the mother.

Some workers feared being criticized by managers for spending the first hour or two of the day doing absolutely nothing but staring at the digital man's slow, agonizing progress.

Attempts to reach those managers were unsuccessful, as they too were staring at the digital man's slow, agonizing progress.

Playhouse Square box office employees, meanwhile, are expected to leave work early today, retiring to Parnell's next door on Euclid Ave. where they will drink every last bit of white wine available.
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