If you’ve ever sat on your couch on a Friday night endlessly swiping on Tinder, Hinge or whatever the dating apps are these days, you’ll know that dating is a hellscape. And Cleveland is no exception.

From the “Cleveland Rec Sports Guy” to the “Suburbs Guy,” these are the types of men you’ll find in Cleveland. They’re not all bad, but some of them will make you want to pack up and move to another city.

Will order sour beers for you two at trivia night, and show you pictures of his cat that’s named after a Tolkein character. Wears Warby Parker, loves Quentin Tarantino, has an unhealthy obsession with girls with arm sleeve tattoos. Credit: Amelia Beamish/Flickr
You can spot him because in his dating profile there will be a picture of him in biker shorts, with a bike somewhere on the Towpath. He’ll meet you at the restaurant and be pretty sweaty, and he’ll meet you back at your place after, in like 30 minutes. Credit: Tony Alter/Flickr
You will schedule your dates around volleyball at Mulberry’s and flag football, you’re welcome to come watch him play, of course. Credit: GCormier/Flickr
He is polyamorous but does not mention it on his profile because he wants to improve his chances. (This one is not Cleveland specific but is rather a scourge of the nation.) Credit: 1Day Review/Flickr
Maybe you meet him at Superelectric for pinball or Tabletop because he’s a board game nerd. Maybe you meet him at Carol and John’s Comics cause he’s a comics nerd. Your mileage may vary depending on the model, but the odds of you being mansplained are very high. Credit: Yun Huang Yong/Flickr
He’s going to have a picture of him on his motorcycle on his online dating profile. He’s really into grilling. He has opinions on different types of motorcycles and which brand is the best. (He’s a Harley man and thinks other brands are for wussies.) You’ll know you’re in a proper relationship with him when he starts to refer to you as his “old lady.” Credit: Paul Sableman/Flickr
You ordered a kettle-soured beer at Phunkenship and looked up to find this guy at your side. “I wondered who wanted such an interesting brew,” he’ll say. That’s not Tinder or Twitter open on his phone, it’s Untappd, where he’s logging all the beers he just had at the local brewery, the 17th you two have visited in the last two weeks. Credit: Didriks/Flickr
Because you first made contact with this guy on a dating app, you won’t realize that he doesn’t just have a lot of tattoos, but he’s literally covered in them except for his face. “And my ass,” he’ll tell you. Then he says he doesn’t like girls with tattoos. He makes fun of your taste in music. After you part ways, he’ll text saying how much he likes you. You don’t respond. Credit: Tony Alter/Flickr
You’re too young and stupid to know better when he approaches you to “play” with him. He seems intelligent and interesting, but pretty soon he’ll be pitching a threesome with his wife, so you should run out of Marble Room screaming.
This guy is from Strongsville or Solon or… one of those suburbs, and he’s into taking visits to the city. He likes the adventure (and maybe a little “danger”) that can be found in the city. He seems kind of bland at first, but he’s just a nice guy from a nice Cleveland-area family. You give it a try. Credit: Nenad Stojkovic/Flickr
There’s lots of wilderness men out there, and they’re all kind of the same. He hikes a lot and invites you to go with him as he loads up his pack on a training jaunt for a hike through Cuyahoga Valley National Park, telling you the whole time that the trails here are like nothing compared to Zion. He’s got a collection of packable stoves and a favorite fuel for them. Together, you feast upon MREs, sometimes spiced up with a foraged chanterelle. Credit: Brother Magneto/Flickr
He thinks his band is the most important thing in the world, but it’s all just an excuse to try to stay young. He wants to think he’s down with the scene, but he doesn’t know that his hairline and his dated opinions make him an elder that the kids all make fun of behind his back. And the kids know the truth. Every minute spent with this guy is wasted. Credit: Richard Ha/Flickr
He can only go on a date tomorrow or three months from now when he gets back from India, so you’d better decide quickly if you want to see him. It’s going to be like this your whole relationship, though. He’ll always be off somewhere and you’ll be at your house resenting it.
He religiously reads Doug Trattner and will always take you to the best spots in town, be it dim sum from Li Wah, Indian from Annapurna, or great ramen at Xinji. Downsides are that he may make fun of chain restaurants you like, and he will struggle to date you if you have a food allergy. Credit: Daniel Ansel Tingcungco/Flickr
It’s all he tweets about, his profile pics are him duded up in gear and at games, your first date might be at the Muni Lot, he has many thoughts about Tito’s use of the bullpen and the Browns’ outside linebacker situation, and you’re going to hear all about them. Credit: Emanuel Wallace
He always gambled but now he has every app on his phone and is constantly checking scores online and looking for the nearest TV to see how many steals Darius Garland has and to see if the over hit in the Cleveland State game, which he parlayed. Odds are good this doesn’t make it to a fourth date. Credit: Focal Foto/Flickr
Sure, why not, he’s at the same shitty dive bar you are, who cares if he works for Dumpsters.com now. He was always kind of cute in high school. Well, maybe not, but whatever. Credit: Yelp Inc./Flickr
Why go all the way to Cleveland when you can spend every night and weekend on the main strip of Willoughby? He’s a regular at all the joints, and it’s fun, for a month, until you remember life beyond a one square mile radius. Credit: Emanuel Wallace
He’s in his mid-thirties, wears Ray Bans prescriptions and a jean jacket he thrifted from the Village Discount in 2004, and will tell you about how he once worked sound for Dan Auerbach. Has a receding hairline. Credit: Tom Newby/Flickr
Will take you to see a lo-fi band that’s unironically selling $29 color-pressed vinyl, and will hit a light-up vape pen as he explains to you why he never went to grad school. Wears polka dot long sleeves. Owns a Gretsch 12-string. Credit: Katie Ries/Flickr
Dresses in Gap or J. Crew, is not from here. Will take you out repeatedly to L’Albatros or Mia Bella in Little Italy when you both know he’s leaving anyway to go to Phoenix for residency in August. Credit: Monash University Gippsland/Flickr
Browses Zillow more than he swipes on Hinge, invites his barber over for a pre-game. Will tell you over Old Fashioneds at Bright Side that Bibb’s “my guy” and how they once attended the Key Bank Christmas party together. Probably had his first job at Quicken Loans. Credit: Richard Royle/Flickr
Whether it’s partying or boating, high school ties, bands, whatever, you’ve burned through everyone in your social circles except this guy, who’s always around. Though he’s dated almost all of your friends, might as well give it a shot. Credit: Lyncconf Games/Flickr
Progressive, kind of obnoxiously so, constantly tweeting pics and thoughts about every minor thing that happens during the day, touting his undeniably correct worldview and filling every conversation with rancor and negativitiy. He’ll tell you when Justin Bibb follows him back, until then, would you like to hear his thoughts about parking minimums again? Credit: TQuist24/Flickr
Cleveland native, studied communications at CSU, once deejayed for a frat. Will get shitfaced with you on West 6th, and tell you about his $50K in passive rental income as you Uber back to his single family home he bought for $75,000. Credit: Courtesy Photo

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