Uncommon Sense

Suggestions For The Next President Of The United States

As you might be aware, the current administration has managed to incur a gross national debt of some $9.6 trillion. And no matter how many coupons Cindy or Michelle clips, no matter how meticulous you are with your drawer full of "Obama's Energy Plan" tire gauges and the Goodyears on your motorcade, you're not going to make up for that many clams until you belly up to a healthy dose of good ol' American ingenuity. To that end, I've lined a few shots along the bar rail to get you started.

Start a new Reality Show called The Baghdad Four. Here's the premise: Gather up Dubya, Karl Rove, Cheney and Condi Rice (I know, she's not quite like the others, but she did get in line right behind those guys, and every reality show needs a chick). They're each decked out in a white T-shirt and pair of chinos with $100 bills in the front pocket (maybe only give $50 to that son of a bitch Rove). Next they're blindfolded and guided to four different locations inside Baghdad. Once there, the blindfolds come off and you let 'em loose. The last one left standing wins an airlift out and passage back to the States.

I wouldn't worry too much about setting up cheeseburger/massage challenges or hiding immunity idols. This ought to be pretty good all on its own. And popular? Every television in the world will tune in weekly to see a bearded Bush surreptitiously crawling into a hole just like the one he pulled Saddam out of. And who doesn't want to watch a red-faced Cheney acting like one of those dorky guys in the Alltel commercials as he runs from a bevy of burka-clad beauties wielding clubs?

You could add an outsider and call it The Baghdad Five. Throw in that Dr. Phil guy, or Rush Limbaugh or maybe Bill O'Reilly. I know! How about Ann Coulter? There are so many fifth wheels to choose from …

Do this right and it will generate enough ad revenue to make the Super Bowl look like a late-night rerun of Family Ties. My only concern is they'll all be down inside a half-hour. Oh, but what a half-hour it will be! Get Geraldo Rivera on board and he'll stretch that footage out for a whole season, maybe two.

Legalize marijuana. I can't believe Uncle Sam hasn't done this already. You see how much dough Jack Daniel's is hauling in and all that green floating on the smoky cloud above Mount Marlboro? That'll be chump change when you start cashing in on Mother Nature's Mary Jane. On top of the beauteous sin tax, there's all the shit you dot-gov types love: bunches of new offices and control boards and testing departments.

Hey, did you hear that?

No, really. Listen real close. Hear it? Yeah, that - it's the sound of ATF agents growing new dicks just thinking about this.

Speaking of firearms, go ahead and let the Second Amendment ring out in the glorious name of freedom! The God-fearing, flag-waving tools can bear all the arms they want, just charge a $500 surtax on Every. Single. Bullet. Put some balls behind the term "Luxury Tax." If it has less than 18 wheels; if it is not yellow and designed to interact with the Earth; if it doesn't have the words "Heating and Cooling" and a phone number on the side - if it has no such redeeming qualifications and gets less than 18 mph, add a 100 percent luxury tax. That's right: Double the price and take half to help pay off the Dubya Deficit. When you're faced with eyes wide as capital Os, indignant gasps of disbelief and cries of "But I'm an American, and I'm entitled to drive any vehicle I want!" you say, "That's right, motherfucker, now fork over the cash."

And while you're at it, tax the living shit out of the old fat rich white guys. OK, they don't have to exactly fit that description, but you get the idea. All those Wal-Mart kids have way too much cash on their hands. Bill Gates. Warren Buffet. And what about that Ellison guy over at Oracle? He does not need $192 million dollars a year. How much Viagra can one man take? Send every one of these guys a bill for $50 million, payable upon receipt.

You may need to keep the tax lawyers busy with something else while you get this in place. Maybe round them up and send them down to Gitmo with Martha Stewart, give them a budget and tell them to spruce the place up a bit. And now for a few goodwill items to diffuse the negative attention. Pass a law that will let us chicks go topless without everyone freaking out (I'll shed my 18-Hour Cross Your Heart right after Hillary). Give anyone out there still using a manual rotary push mower a check for $10,000 just because the poor bastard earned it. Enact a symbolic, small scale "Asshole Tax" for people who irritate the hell out of the rest of us - the right-to-lifers who also support the death penalty, for instance. And to hell with those economic stimulus checks; instead, send every adult woman in the United States a 7-inch silicone "Loverboi" in her choice of color: vanilla, butterscotch or dark chocolate. Believe me, the state of the union will improve remarkably in about a half-hour.


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