If you’ve read the comments section of any respected website over the past year, certainly you’re aware of my expertise ranging from, but not limited to:
The Constitution. Venezuela. Libtards. The Founding Fathers. Regulating the uterus. Martial arts. Jesus. World of Warcraft. Babes. And how the ’97 Olmsted Falls Bulldogs would have totally won state if coach let me start at middle linebacker instead of Chad Weaver. (Complete, unabridged remarks on Chad Weaver available upon request.)
What you may not know is that I’m now a leading authority on infectious disease.
How did I obtain this knowledge? The right way. Through the School of Hard Knocks. And seeing memes on Facebook. And watching a few minutes of Hannity each night before dinner. Which I now have to make myself. Because my wife left last September. And may or may not be hiding out at her sister’s place in North Carolina. A matter I plan to fully investigate once the restraining order expires.
Clearly this exhaustive research grants me the right to categorically reject the opinions of so-called “experts,” who know way less than me, as evidenced by my use of the phrase “so-called” earlier in this sentence.
Unlike them, I am not biased, for I do not rely on discredited notions of science or study or clinical analysis to reach my findings. I have developed a foolproof method of divining truth from fiction:
Anything that coincides with my existing beliefs: Truth.
Anything that doesn’t: Sheeple feed spread by Bill Gates and/or Alyssa Milano and/or 5G towers in Great Britain.
This exacting methodology has allowed me, in just a few short days, to declare myself way more knowledgeable than anyone else. This includes so-called “Dr.” Anthony Fauci, who says things that will inconvenience me and probably hasn’t even converted his AR-15 to fully automatic, so how can he possibly be trusted?
Anthony Fauci hates freedom.
I, on the other hand, am BFF with freedom. I have a shrine to Lindsey Graham in my back yard to prove it. Which is why you’ll now find me protesting at the statehouse. Because I have declared it perfectly safe to restart the economy.
Surely you’ve admired the photos of me in the news. Jutting chin under performance sunglasses, posing in camo with my Ruger AR-556, the very essence of virility. It’s a look that says, “Don’t Tread on This 100% Red-Blooded Patriot Who Happens to Be Available Because His Wife Won’t Likely Be Returning; DM Me If Interested.”
It’s also a look that says freedom. Give me Bob Evans or give me death. The cure can’t be worse than the disease. And I want a haircut.
What do you get when socialism is allowed to fester? They close the goddamned Great Clips. That’s what.
Some of you have questioned my scholarly bone fides, noting that I proudly fly the Confederate flag, which makes me a so-called “racist,” since “freedom” and “slavery” are “mutually exclusive.”
Wrong again, Commander Cuck.
The Civil War wasn’t fought over slavery. It was fought over the liberty to own slaves. Big difference.
If my enormously brave stance means I must spend two hours on a Thursday looking really good in camo, I’m willing to make that sacrifice. And if someone else must die to cast off the yoke of tyranny, I’m willing to make that sacrifice too. As long as it’s my ex-wife. Or Chad Weaver.
For I am a patriot. And an infectious disease expert. Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for the Dow Jones Industrial Average.
This article appears in Apr 22-28, 2020.
I thought journalism was supposed to be above this stuff.
Yes, there are morons just like the one characterized here. But highlighting these people serves only to spread misinformation and ignore that there are rational people who want to “open” the economy.
Fauci is an expert in his field. His field is not economics, and it is not governance. Saying we should not blindly do exactly everything Fauci says is not a rejection of his expertise. It’s merely pointing that his advice is but one part of the equation. A very important part, but not the sole part.
And advocating for opening the economy does not mean “let’s hold a mass gathering on May 1 where we all get naked and lick each other.” It means open businesses and allow people to secure their livlihoods while still doing the best we can to adhere to social distancing, heightened sterilization, mask-wearing, and also taking more direct measure to protect the most at-risk individuals.
I am not a confederate-flag waving Trumper because I want to end this shelter-in-place nonsense. And I don’t think anyone who supports shelter-in-place is some sort of “liberal cuck.”
As usual, the path between the extremes is most ignored.
If you want to reopen the economy in the middle of a pandemic, you aren’t rational. You’re an idiot whose opinion runs counter to the vast majority of the fellow citizens whose deaths you’d be perfectly fine with for the sake of being able to go out to dinner. You’re just mad that your irrational approach isn’t being presented in prettier wrapping paper.
And rather than being upset that the a federal government, whose very existence is meant to help sustain the economy in once in 100 year pandemics like this is failing miserably, you want the economy “reopened” so people can resume risking their lives to mow your goddamn lawn.
“I have a shrine to Lindsey Graham in my back yard to prove it.”
If it’s a shrine to Miss Lindsey, it should probably be in your closet instead of the lawn.
Satire people, satire!
Die for Wall Street? I’d rather have Wall Street die for me.
Hey, first commenter: Scene is an alt weekly, dude. Take your piety elsewhere.
Also, take your ignorance elsewhere. Economists, like epidemiologists, also think we should shut everything down: http://www.igmchicago.org/surveys/policy-for-the-covid-19-crisis/
“Rational” to me includes not putting words in other people’s mouths. I do not advocate for reopening because I want to go out to dinner or get someone to mow my lawn (the latter of which is actually not excluded under the current measures). I want my local businesses, who do not have the resources of giant conglomerates, to be able to stay in business. I want my bartender friends to continue to have gainful employment. I want to exit this pandemic to a world where Cleveland is not completely run by Wal Marts and McDonaldses.
I don’t really see much in your post other than attacks at my assumed motives, but the one point I’ll address is that the economy being reopened will risk lives.
For one, I think you are still importing the sterotypical ultra-conservative viewpoint on me and assume that by “reopen” I mean a complete 180-degree turn from what we have done in the past two months. That is untrue, and I said as much in my original post.
By “reopen” I mean that we should allow businesses to function, but do so in a way that is designed to minimize the impact of the virus. Unless you are suggesting we hole up until a viable vaccine is developed, there is no option that eradicates the risk of the virus completely. Whether we begin reopening now or three months from now, there is risk.
I also never said I was not upset with the federal government.
Again, you are assuming I am speaking from some kind of hard-core conservative viewpoint, when I am not. I do not identify with any of the satirical characteristics in the above article. Instead, I find those views just as unhelpful as yours.
The only ones afforded context and benefit of the doubt are those that parrot the ideology.
I chuckle at your attempts to mock and discredit, but rebutting/correcting them is soooooo 2018.
A lot of peeps just like me realize the semantics game is just a measure to keep honest folks on the defensive and back on their heels.
Unfortunately for you, this time you confirmed that they can no longer live quitely and peaceably without your interference.
Can you blame them if they’re not in the mood to argue it out anymore?
Do you people really think that Bill Gates trying to vaccinate and chip the world population under the guise of a pandemic response is just a right wing talking point?
Hey 5g,,,,,I bet your in the pic, right behind the guy with the Dewine and Acton sign,,,,classy. Bill’s gonna get you he’s got your ip address. He’s gonna push you into a bike lane, under a 5g tower and give you the shot. Piss for brains
Nothing should open yet. Things aren’t even close to being 100%better. The sooner things open the faster the virus will come back even faster.
they love trump’s guy fauci.
Less deadly than the FLU. Deal with it and your lying overlords.
@badger,,,,he is extraordinarily ignorant.
I will throw a comment here knowing full well that everyone is going to attack me like I am a horrible person and am stupid and have no education and no care for human life.
First comment – Death is bad (most of you will read this and be like here we go). at this point over 58k people have died including a great friend of mine’s dad. He was over 65, was obese, and had multiple years with heart problems. So to that question – yes I know someone close to me that has passed.
Second Comment – Please do not dismiss this – 16.78 million people have filed for unemployment. 58k deaths to 16.78 million unemployment. These are people that may never get their jobs back. These are people that may not be able to afford rent or mortgage or food. Isn’t that bad? If this continues for May, and June, we could reach 47million people on unemployment.
Look at sweeden. They didnt even really go into a lockdown. They wanted to build the herd immunity. Now was it worse than their counterparts in norway and denmark – yes. But in general sweden had 22 out of 100k deaths where norway had 7 out of 100k deaths. Now dont get me wrong, every death is horrible, and nobody wants this to happen, but do we think an additional 15 deaths out of 100k in that instance is worth shutting down the world down?
I think the point here is – it goes both ways. You can just blindly be okay with everything shutting down. There have been numerous studies that over 7million people had COVID prior to march 15th lockdown between march6-march14th. Since it usually takes 20-25 days to die the death rate is WAY lower than people are reporting. They are turning away tests from hospitals if they are not looking SICK SICK. If they are looking SICK and might have covid, they are saying no. A recent report the other day came out that 20% of NYC has COVID but just hasnt been tested. In that same report they say the average age of the deaths are 65, have multiple conditions and are obese. My sister in law is a nurse and she hasnt even gone to work in 4 weeks because there is nothing in her cardiac department to do.
If you are still reading, I am a lucky one to still have my job. But many others aren’t as lucky. They are being forced to stay home. Owners are eventually going to be forced to go out of business. This isnt even putting into account how messed up the government is going to be financially and the economy is going to be messed up for years to come from this.
My whole thing here is this – If you assume EVERYONE has COVID and the cure is not going to be here anytime soon, are we suppose to just literally sit here and wait? Literally go on standby? Millions of us already have it at this point. If we wait until a cure, then there wont really be a use to be as we know it.
You can open whatever you want. I’m not going anywhere. So talk of restarting the economy is problematic, because I bet I am not the only one who isn’t going anywhere even if it all opens up again, full speed.
I respect that comment because that is 100% your right! You by no means should be FORCED to go out. I think there are a lot of people that would like the option to go out which is all I am asking for. (constitutional right).
This one was Pete’s first attempt at humor writing. It’s not all that great, but it’s better than the next one, about Go. DeWine, which was better than the latest one, about the drunken assholes in a bar that isn’t really open. Each attempt is worse than what preceded it.
Pete: Time to hang up your jock…I hope they didn’t re-hire you at SCENE, or give you a contract to produce a whole series of this unfunny claptrap.
Sam and Vince…it’s time to pull the plug. Pinko-themed humor is hard to get off the ground, and it often will crash and burn. This stuff ain’t gonna fly.