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Monday, August 24, 2020

Trump Names Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan Official White House Pet

Posted By on Mon, Aug 24, 2020 at 9:29 AM

  • Gage Skidmore/FlickrCC
Hoping to better appeal to Middle American voters, President Donald Trump has named a new White House pet: Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan.

Much like presidents past, aides have long urged Trump to get a dog. It was part of a grander strategy to recapture the “suburban housewife” vote – a one-time staple of Republican support who now see him as a cross between Harvey Weinstein and the Golden State Killer. By appearing in photo-ops with a cuddly animal, Trump might hew closer to resembling a human being.

Yet for months the plan went nowhere. Advisors repeatedly pressed the president to select a teacup chihuahua, a breed that would underscore his reputation for noisy insignificance.

Still, Trump balked. He chafed at having to care for another living being and worried the dog would become the center of attention – especially to wife Melania, who only interacts with the president when she needs money to go shopping.

Eventually, a compromise was reached: Instead of naming an actual dog, Trump would select a member of Congress. Most had already undergone obedience training. And when it wasn’t needed, it could be chained to a fence in Stephen Miller’s backyard.

The move brought a flurry of applications from leading figures like Sen. Lindsey Graham and Rep. Devin Nunes. Graham even spent a night curled up outside Trump’s window, barking and offering to fetch him Taco Bell.

But Trump worried Graham would seem “too gay” for his evangelical base. Nunes wasn’t house broken. Besides, Trump already had his eyes set on a dog that would better fit his image. One that would growl without provocation, yet wilt under the smallest matter of substance: Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan.

In a Rose Garden ceremony this morning, Trump officially unveiled Jordan as his new White House pet.

As Jordan stood on all fours at his side, nuzzling at the president’s leg, Trump boasted that “no one’s better at having congressman dogs than me,” while praising Jordan’s willingness to let Trump kick him when the president’s KFC buckets come without enough drumsticks.

According to animal experts, the congressman already exhibits natural canine qualities, citing his obsequiousness and constant yearning for attention. His loyalty is also beyond reproach.

Trump noted Jordan’s “beautiful, beautiful whining – the best whining” during recent anti-trust hearings on Big Tech, in which Jordan incoherently yelped about the “censoring” of conservatives on social media.

Indeed, Jordan has proven himself among Trump’s leading enablers on Capitol Hill. He’s been a stout supporter of the president’s Covid Death March, and is highly regarded for his disdain for females, voting against the Violence Against Women Act.

Former George W. Bush speechwriter Michael Gerson praised Jordan as a “Truly Trumpian man – guided by bigotry, seized by conspiracy theories, dismissive of facts and truth, indifferent to ethics, contemptuous of institutional norms and ruthlessly dedicated to the success of a demagogue."

Yet there remain questions about of well the congressman’s new role as dog will assist the president’s reelection campaign.

Jordan undoubtedly plays well with Trump’s base. In focus groups, men who live in tool sheds behind their grandma’s house responded favorably when asked if Jordan “would be a good buddy to go deer poaching with.”

The same cannot be said of women, who favor Joe Biden by a stunning 23 points. They overwhelmingly say Jordan reminds them of “that creepy guy in a “Free Mustache Rides” shirt who insists on buying you Jaeger bombs at a country bar.”

Yet for a brief moment in the Rose Garden this morning, those troubles were forgotten. Jordan preened for the cameras, playing fetch as Trump threw leftover chicken bones. At one point, the congressman tried to pee on the leg of CNN’s Jim Acosta, drawing guffaws from the adoring aides.

Yet the president quickly grew winded by the physical activity. Jordan was led by Vice President Mike Pence to a waiting van, where he would be taken to Miller’s house, muzzled and chained to a fence until his next star turn in the limelight.

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