Thursday, August 9, 2007

Five Trades the Cavs Should Have Made

Posted by Joe Tone on Thu, Aug 9, 2007 at 4:32 PM

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Why not offer LeBron James’ personal manicuring service to prospective trade partners?
After advancing to the NBA Finals for the first time in team history, the Cavaliers have apparently decided to stand pat for next season. In the meantime, there’s been a flurry of moves throughout the league, including the trade that sent Kevin Garnett to the Boston Celtics, and the yet-to-be-completed deal that would send Tim Donaghy to New Jersey’s Fort Dix Federal Prison. What’s frustrating about this is that Cavs GM Danny Ferry, like many GMs throughout the league, appears to be ignoring tradeable assets sitting right under his nose. Minnesota made the same mistake: insiders say the T-Wolves were originally offered a “Yankees Suck” t-shirt, two pints of warm Guinness, and a smoking hot cheerleader to be named later. But GM Kevin McHale's adherence to conventional basketball wisdom – which strangely dictates that good teams are made up of actual players – led him to turn down this deal and pursue real-live men with far less potential impact. Ferry appears to be making the same mistake. What could the Cavs do if they shifted their thinking in this way? Plenty. Consider the deals they could make, if they could just expand their horizons: Mortgage the Past: Of all the players left from LeBron's first year, only Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Ira Newble remain. They are obviously viewed as the foundation upon which the organization stands. Many a GM has surely asked – pleaded, I’m sure -- but never have the Cavs given in. It’s time to finally let go. Heat Gets: Ira Newble, the rights to Ira Newble's offspring, an Ira Newble Fathead decal, and the chance to see Z mingle with the South Beach crowd. Cavs Get: Dwyane Wade, Shaq, and all of the organization’s 2006 championship rings. (Just in case). Click “more” for more deals the Cavs are missing out on …
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“Yes, Mr. Ainge, we're sure that's the guy we want.”
Leverage the Past: Jay Guidinger played exactly two seasons in the NBA, both for the Cavaliers (1992-1994). Don't let his 1.5 points per game fool you -- he was a monster on the floor and a leader in the locker room. Problem is, after 1994, the Cavs couldn't resign him, and Guidinger refused to play for any other team. You know, out of respect for Cleveland and stuff. It's the same respect that led him to sleep in his Cavs jersey every night since he retired. Solution? Get him hammered, sign him to a three-year deal, and trade his ass. Spurs Get: Jay Guidinger, Jay Guidinger's uniform from 1993, whatever’s left of the Jameson. Cavs Get: Tony Parker, Eva Longoria, and three of her drunkest friends. Is It Too Early To Take a Mulligan? One of the few moves the Cavs have made -- or not made, in this case -- was to let go of Scot Pollard, who will take his enthusiastic cheerleading to Boston next season. Not many people argued as Pollard rode the pine last year, but maybe Ferry should reconsider his inaction. Boston has made three moves this off season: trading for Ray Allen, trading for Kevin Garnett, and signing Scot Pollard. Danny Ainge clearly knows something we don't. Celtics Get: Whatever they want. Seriously. It's that important. Cavs Get: Scot Pollard, Scot Pollard's hair, and Scot Pollard's view on drugs, which is that they’re awesome. All About Aesthetics: Every athlete is as concerned about his appearance on the court as his performance on it. Some end up GQ models (Dwyane Wade). Some end up looking like that sort of retarded 16-year-old kid in my seventh-grade history class (Chris Kaman). As much as they value pretty, Ferry and owner Dan Gilbert should be willing to give up a little flair in exchange for a little help for LeBron. Suns Get: Drew Gooden's ponytail, Anderson Varejao's mop, World B. Free's pinstripe suit, all 197,606 pairs of designer glasses owned by Mike Brown, personal manicures by LeBron James, and Damon Jones’s ego (no relocation expenses -- sorry). Cavs Get: Amare Stoudamire, Steve Nash, and, unfortunately, Nash’s awful salad. All For One: You know that motto, "All for one, and one for all?" It’s time the Cavs walk the walk. Lakers Get: Donyell Marshall, Damon Jones, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Drew Gooden, Daniel Gibson, Eric Snow, Shannon Brown, Larry Hughes, Ira Newble, Sasha Pavlovic, David Wesley, Anderson Varejao, the water boy, the PA announcer, the Scream team, in-game host Nicole Cuglewski, that stalker guy always following her around, Moondog, Dan Gilbert’s jet, and daily, in-person wake-up calls performed by Usher. Cavs Get: Kobe Bryant. Oh, and Phil Jackson. “All For Two” has a better ring to it, anyway. -- Vince Grzegorek

Comments (28) RSS

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Not funny

Posted by Brandon on August 10, 2007 at 10:27 AM | Report this comment
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"Not funny." Best comment ever.

Posted by Joe P Tone on August 10, 2007 at 10:31 AM | Report this comment
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I'm a big fan, Vince! Keep it coming. The first two knuckleheads probably hate "Seinfeld," "Dumb and Dumber," and "Old School," too.

Posted by Kevin from Ohio in Virginia on August 10, 2007 at 10:37 AM | Report this comment
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To clarify, I found it pretty funny. But I appreciated the efficiency of Brandon's comment.

Posted by Joe P Tone on August 10, 2007 at 10:40 AM | Report this comment
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It would have been funny if it was original.. I think the author got inspired reading the Cavaliers message board...

Posted by johnny on August 10, 2007 at 12:09 PM | Report this comment
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UNIWATCHBLOG REPRESENTING!! good luck vince.

Posted by stan aka the took on August 10, 2007 at 12:55 PM | Report this comment
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Appreciate the irony, but not that funny at all.

Posted by Tod H. on August 10, 2007 at 1:05 PM | Report this comment
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Great column, three of Eva's friends for Jones, Marshall, and Snow. They gotta be drunk to come to Cleveland.

Posted by John on August 10, 2007 at 1:36 PM | Report this comment
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One of the top 5 dumbest articles I"ve ever read

Posted by Abid Ansari on August 10, 2007 at 2:17 PM | Report this comment
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U should prob stop writing and go bak 2 wearing high heels in in vegas on the strip where your known as "HOOVER"

Posted by JEREMY ROBINSON OF OHIO on August 10, 2007 at 2:44 PM | Report this comment
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You owe me 5 min for reading the stupiest article in my life. I must be a complete idiot for even sending you a response to this bit of plain ole dumb.

Posted by Michael Buchanan on August 10, 2007 at 3:43 PM | Report this comment
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Not funny.

Posted by Bill El on August 10, 2007 at 5:55 PM | Report this comment
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I was really hoping to read an interesting perspective on the cavs free agency flop... instead I read a sub-interesting article on trading women and hair styles. Ciao

Posted by Stubs on August 10, 2007 at 8:18 PM | Report this comment
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This was maybe the worst thing I have ever read and I am now less smart for having seen it. Thanks a bunch. What do they hire writers who send in the forms from the back of cracker jacks boxes?. Get serious........none of that was funny. Cavs need to actually pull something off before November.

Posted by Michael Colasante on August 10, 2007 at 8:21 PM | Report this comment
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I don't know what's funnier...this column, or the people that comment on how funny it isn't

Posted by Steve Prudente on August 10, 2007 at 9:18 PM | Report this comment
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Great article, I'm glad someone has just as good as a sense of humor as I do on the cavs outlook.

Posted by matt maurer on August 10, 2007 at 9:45 PM | Report this comment
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Great article, I'm glad someone has just as good as a sense of humor as I do on the cavs outlook. You're right we got to get Pollard back.

Posted by matt maurer on August 10, 2007 at 9:46 PM | Report this comment
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im really glad i took the time to read this waste of an article..maybe if you kept the ira newble and heat trade / joke to start it off..then offer 5 legitmate trades..this could have been a decent article..cant believe you get paid big bucks for this.

Posted by luke howard on August 10, 2007 at 9:55 PM | Report this comment
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I don't care if it's funny or what! but the real thing is the GM must act immidiately for the cavs not to be left behind by the much improved east rivals. the cavs are totally left out in terms of adding depth to support LeBron James. do you think they can make the finals again with the same line up from last season? i guess not! considering the obviuos weakness on the backcourt. instead of waiting for some miracle to happen why don't the GM try to move some things around and hope for the best things to happen. it's better to hope when your trying than to hope with nothing else is doing. i wouldn't be surprise if LeBron James asking to trade him for somewherelse. It's an eye opener guys (GM,Team Owner) do something please! or loose the potential future of the Cavs and the NBA to some other teams. Good Luck and More Power!

Posted by Jeff Ian Cruz on August 10, 2007 at 10:23 PM | Report this comment
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I have a serious question: wasn't Jay Guidinger's nickname: "The Working Man's Hero"? i hope Danny Ferry read this and was inspired to buy NBA Live '07 to see what he can do. some other tradable commodities we could probably throw in include crime, free downtown office space, and an old set from the Drew Carey Show. best article i've ever read!

Posted by brian from the bville on August 11, 2007 at 12:01 AM | Report this comment
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The cavs are gona suck this year becuase there not gona sign anyone becuase danny ferry is lazy and boston is doing the best. this wasnt funny

Posted by chris on August 11, 2007 at 12:19 AM | Report this comment
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funny article. even funnier are all the people who think they are smarter than Danny Ferry. He's WAY ahead of ALL of you. You people remind me of my dad.

Posted by Josh Papworth on August 11, 2007 at 2:42 AM | Report this comment
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you're ignorants is truely unfunny & very STUPID ! give the people what they want truthful & authentic rumors and such !

Posted by STANLEY DODRILL on August 11, 2007 at 8:56 AM | Report this comment
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We only need Lebron on the floor, but I would take Kobe also.

Posted by Adam in Baltimore on August 11, 2007 at 9:55 AM | Report this comment
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I hope you didnt get paid for that rubbish!!

Posted by Shawnmac on August 11, 2007 at 2:01 PM | Report this comment
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Who wrote this article Charles Barkley stupidest thing i hav ever heard in my fan career u might wanna trade your job ur a complete joke

Posted by pat on August 11, 2007 at 4:53 PM | Report this comment
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Mr. Dan Gilbert will do the Cavs fans a great disservice, by keeping Danny Ferry as the GM if this dude again sit on his butt doing nothing to improve The Brons supporting casts. Mr. Gilbert knows that owning an NBA team is pure business and he will soon realize that Cavs fans will one by one desert or ignore all the Cavs game with the same mediocre Cavs roster of the 2007 Finals again playing this season. The Cavs fans will feel cheated....so why attend any games and pay and support this dude named Danny Ferry? Look at the blunders of Danny Ferry: (1). Trading for the rights to Juan Carlos Navarro (PG) of Wizards and Spur's Luis Scola (PF) (2). Letting go of opportunity to grab Theodoros Papaloukas (PG) current MVP of Euroleague as well as the rights to another Greek monster named, Sofoklis Schortsianitis(PF/C). (3). Keeping often injured Larry Hughes(SG),Donyell Marshall(PF), Eric Snow(PG), Damon Jones(PG), the aging Zyd Ilgauskas(C),the tentive Drew Gooden(PF), Andy Varejao(F/C),Sasha Pavlovic(F/G), David Wesley(G),which is a big blunder. (4). Any of the players listed in (3) above or a combination thereof can be packaged in a trade with any teams to complement Lebron as well as the players in (2)aforementioned either in rotation/ or starter roles such as:- (a). Tyson Chandler and David West of the Hornets. (b). Caron Butler (c). Michael Pietrus and Andrie Biedrins In summary, it would be ideal to see a new breed of Cavs in uniform for the 2008 NBA Finals composed of:- STARTERS: PG - Theodoros Papaloukas SG - Caron Butler SF - LeBron James PF - David West C - Tyson Chandler BENCH/ RESERVES: PG - Juan Carlos Navarro/ Daniel Gibson SG - Shannon Brown SF - Michael Pietrus PF - Luis Scola C - Sofoklis Schortsianitis/Andrie Biedrins

Posted by Ric Bogil on August 12, 2007 at 2:29 AM | Report this comment
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I'm particularly fond of the people who took the time to criticize this article but couldn't be bothered to spell correctly or use proper grammar. OMG ur like teh dumest!! Good work, Vince.

Posted by Joe on August 13, 2007 at 10:34 PM | Report this comment

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