Consider this a year-end palate cleanser as the calendar turns and we collectively set our sights on resolutions to improve in 2025. Let us huff and puff, rant and rave, denote and catalogue just some of the people and things that rattle our cages and infuriate the masses. It’s healthy. A civic rage room, but a good and righteous one, not like an Ohio City block club meeting about a possible homeless shelter in the neighborhood.
As some readers might remember, in years past this feature has gone by a different and perhaps more appropriate name – the Art Modell Awards, so it’s only fitting to begin with…
Jimmy Haslam
It takes a unique blend of skill, dedication and intention to stand out as a shitheel amongst a group of people as universally committed to malfeasance and greed as billionaires. But, to Jimmy Haslam’s credit, he’s done just that with both aplomb and regularity. Just consider the last few years and the absolute heater Jimmy’s been on: Engineering the single worst trade in NFL history for a guy who has ended up with more settled civil sexual assault lawsuits than wins, torpedoing multiple seasons with him under center, and following it all up with plans to leave the city of Cleveland proper the lakefront to build a dome an architect recently described as “a suburban Walmart in a gaming PC costume” next to the airport while attempting to extract hundreds of millions of dollars of taxpayer money for personal benefit all under the guise of “public-private” partnership. Hoo boy. We need not even get into Pilot Flying J or the blind and extravagant financial support of every shitty Republican who comes crawling out of Trump’s asscrack to come to the conclusion there’s a cancerous barnacle on the Browns and he’s the guy in charge.
Route 82, Strongsville
There are those who would say Royalton Rd. in Strongsville is a wasteland of suburbia, a planning disaster of epic proportions where endless concrete meets more endless concrete, a shining example of soulless Anytown America filled with a string of bland chains where any semblance of charm has been systematically banished in favor of architectural and cultural dereliction, a triumph of sprawl and North Star of the middling that’s home base for the Strongsville GOP, a group that would gladly secede from Ohio on the grounds that the Republican-dominated state doesn’t lean right enough. People who say such things would be right.
Progressive Field Self-Checkout Kiosks
Are Paul and Larry Dolan unaware that UPC codes and self-checkout systems managed by weight exist, and have for years? The answer appears to be no, unbelievably, as the self-checkout kiosks at Progressive Field are operated not by tried and trusted technology widely available at gas stations and grocery stores but by touchscreens where fans are challenged to hunt and peck for their desired items amidst a maddening array of categories, all with the added humiliation and pressure of doing so in front of workers tasked with watching you while they could simply be scanning your tall boys and peanuts in an efficient manner. An added bonus and fuck you for installing them in The Corner facing the sun, which beats down with a glare strong enough to produce a third-degree sunburn and relegates the screens to useless shadow boxes. Kudos to you on your labor cost savings, good sirs.
436
Three little digits shouldn’t be able to upend the identity of a region, but that’s exactly what’s happening. Northeast Ohio’s new area code, which began its rollout in March, arrived as 440 was beginning to run out of available numbers and… we simply don’t like it. It doesn’t have the pedigree of 216. It doesn’t have the harmonious rhythm of 440 or 330. It instead has a bit of all three of them, like a feral, mangy stray trying to fit in at the National Dog Show. You may not have encountered the beast out in the wild yet, but you will, and it will confuse you at first, as you ask is that an Alabama area code by chance, or perhaps, Florida, and then sicken you as you realize it’s “local.”
Economic Impact Studies
Just a few days after the Rock Hall hosted the 2024 inductions at Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse, Rock Hall President & CEO Greg Harris announced that the event created $50 million in economic impact for Cleveland. That is an astounding number. It’s also simply a horseshit stat, the same brand of malarky found in every study trotted out to justify and inflate the importance of venues and events. Consider the Rock Hall’s number in the context of an economic impact study commissioned by City Hall on the financial role of the Browns playing downtown. That survey found that the team playing in the current lakefront stadium brings in $30 million a year. A year! Apparently Dave Matthews pissing in Cleveland was worth another $20 million. Whether it’s the film fest, the Guardians, the Cleveland Clinic or the Metroparks, the studies and their attendant, gigantic numbers celebrated in glowing headlines are ludicrous public relations ploys deserving nothing but your skepticism.
Hopkins Airport
It’s not your imagination. Cleveland’s airport is exactly as shitty as you think it is, and everyone agrees. The latest JD Power annual survey of airports found that Hopkins has all the charms, convenience and amenities of a Best Western hosting a mid-level regional car insurance conference. Cleveland’s airport came in dead last — 15th out of 15, scoring just 580 points out of a possible 1,000 — for medium-sized airports, trailing Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Columbus and Cincinnati. With abysmally long TSA lines, perpetually disgusting bathrooms, parking headaches, and all the closed-in, beige ambience you could ask for, survey respondents echoed what Clevelanders and those passing through Hopkins have long known. Oh, and enjoy your connection on the way to your final destination while all your friends in real cities enjoy a direct flight because Cleveland doesn’t even rank in the top 50 for airports with the most direct routes.
Cashless Venues
During the height of the pandemic, many restaurants, vendors and concert/sporting venues went cashless. But even though the pandemic has subsided, many venues have remained cashless. Cash is not king at places such as Progressive Field, Huntington Bank Field, Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse, Blossom (which is “mostly cashless”), Jacobs Pavilion (which “primarily operates on a cashless basis”), Playhouse Square and the Agora. The cashless policy hurts consumers who prefer to tip bartenders and servers with cash (you can still do that, but you have to remember to bring one and five dollar bills with you because you won’t receive any change for your purchases at the venue), and it hurts bartenders and servers, who generally prefer cash because they get paid out that night and don’t have to wait for their check. Not everyone has credit cards and/or bank accounts, which means they just get boned on top of already having issues.
Judge Leslie Celebrezze
Cuyahoga County Domestic Relations Judge Leslie Ann Celebrezze is facing the ire of the Ohio Disciplinary Counsel and an investigation by the FBI for allegedly steering lucrative divorce cases to her long-time personal friend Mark Dottore. A misconduct complaint from state investigators accuses her of ignoring court rules in getting high-dollar cases into her courtroom and appointing Dottore, who investigators say she has an amorous relationship with, as receiver. A private investigator provided video of them kissing, and colleagues say she openly admitted she was in love with him. Her defense? She kisses everyone and she loves him as a friend. Meanwhile, couples entering her courtroom have been fleeced out of hundreds of thousands of dollars in fees, according to the complaint. In a county with as long a history of judicial misconduct as Cuyahoga, Celebrezze has proudly carried the banner of abdicating truth and justice.
Ticket Fees
As if concert, theater and sports tickets weren’t already expensive enough, venues in Cleveland add on fees that really gouge the consumer. For example, if you wanted to go see rapper Tyler, the Creator when he brings his anticipated Chromakopia Tour to Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse in June, you’d have to shell out at least $69.50 for a ticket located way up in Loudville. A handling free and service fee would tack on another $17.54 to the total. If you wanted to spring for the $275 VIP ticket, the fees become more exorbitant and amount to $46.35. Once fees are added, a $75 ticket to see indie rockers the Magnetic Fields in April at the Agora becomes almost $100. And platinum tickets to see comedian Jeff Jefferies at the State Theatre in January come with a $21 service fee. Tickets to see the city’s professional sports teams all come with various fees. The problem has become so widespread that the federal government has filed a civil antitrust lawsuit against Live Nation Entertainment Inc. and Ticketmaster LLC. Independent concert venues such as the Beachland Ballroom & Tavern, the Grog Shop and Mahall’s 20 Lanes have partnered with smaller ticket agencies to try to keep additional charges to a minimum, but the fees for a $20 ticket still come out to about $5, or 25 percent of the cost of the ticket. And with most venue box offices offering reduced or nonexistent hours, it has become all but impossible to circumvent the price gouging. Folks, we’re fucking tired of it.
MetroHealth Leadership
There was a time not too long ago when the very idea of Metro’s reputation being anything but sterling would be comical. Well, welcome to 2024. Turmoil has engulfed the hospital’s top ranks after the board fired not just one but two CEOs and the litigation and nastiness that has dominated the last few years promises to continue. Ohio Auditor Keith Faber’s office recently released a report that found that Akram Boutros didn’t break any criminal laws by giving himself lavish bonuses that the hospital claimed it wasn’t aware of, the reason they whacked him. Meanwhile, Boutros has refiled a lawsuit against the hospital and board claiming wrongful termination, arguing the board simply didn’t understand its own compensation policies. Years of litigation await on that front, along with enormous attorney fees and recurring nightmarish headlines. But hey, at least they hired and fired his successor in Airica Steed, citing a failure of leadership among other issues, and are mired in a stalemate of negotiations in how much to pay her for her troubles. If this was a football team and not a hospital, Clevelanders would be banging down the doors demanding change.
The Cuyahoga County Juvenile Justice System
Juvenile crime remains a plague on the city and region, and Cleveland’s hardly alone in dealing with the problem. But those tasked with ensuring justice and rehabilitation in Cuyahoga County have failed in ways too numerous to document and compounded the mess. Where to start? A Marshall Project story found that more than 1,200 children since 2020 have been defended by court-appointed lawyers who lacked state-mandated qualifications. The same outlet found that judges have steered two-thirds of all cases in a single year to just 10 lawyers, leading to dockets and workloads that in no way serve those accused of crimes. Is there hope? An inaugural Cuyahoga County Council Juvenile Court Advisory Subcommittee has been tasked with figuring out what means there are to fix systemic issues, such as the disproportionate number of Black youths whose cases are bound over to adult court. (Cuyahoga County leads Ohio in the number of discretionary bindovers.) Simply put, Cleveland is failing its children.
Scene
We’re a liberal trash rag. We’re not liberal enough. We maake too many typos. We didn’t love your favorite restaurant. We have no taste. We like shit music. We didn’t write the story the way you would have. We used to be better during the Voice Media Days. We used to hire real reporters. We used to have more than a couple reporters. We don’t print enough copies. We used to run letters to the editor like a real newspaper. We used to cover important stories. We should have closed instead of the Free Times. We sound like bad AI. We hear you Cleveland, and by that we mean we see your comments on social media when you’re at your most unfettered and mean, and this list simply wouldn’t be complete without your input. We get it, Scene sucks.
Honorable Mentions: Blaine Griffin, Judge Timothy Grendell, Portage County Sheriff Bruce Zuchowski, That One Guy You Hate, HOAs, People Who Litter, Jake Paul, Skyline Chili for Never Opening That Restaurant on Tiedeman, Low Voter Turnout in Cleveland, Bernie Moreno, Cleveland.com, I-490 Construction, Bratenahl Police.
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This article appears in Nov 20 – Dec 3, 2024.