Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Work Stress is Killing My Sex Drive

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist! Your host for this new regular feature is Matt Lachman, a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Want to ask him a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto the first question.

Hey Matt! My name is Carmen, and I am a 26-year-old single white cis-female and I need tips on managing anxiety related to having sex. I work a high stress job and because of this, sex drive has been impacted. I never have the desire to explore intimacy with myself self or others. How can I work on increasing my sex drive and desire for intimacy while working in a high stress work environment?

-Carmen

Hey Carmen! Thanks for the question and taking the time to write to me. Let me first start by saying that if I had a nickel for every time a friend, colleague, or client asked me this question, I would never have to worry about my DoorDash bill ever again. This is one of the most common concerns brought to sex therapists. How in the world can I even think about sex when I am so stressed at my job? Who has the time for such a luxury as intimacy and connection when I have 15 meetings back-to-back and projects due EOD? The overwhelming feeling of stress can be one of the most debilitating experiences a human deals with in life.

I remember the early days of my professional career post-grad school. I was 27 and living in Beaufort, South Carolina. Yes, that Beaufort from the Murdaugh murders that blew up a couple of years ago and that Netflix did a whole documentary series. I had just completed my second Master’s Degree and couldn’t wait to start using all of the skills I had learned in my Counselor Education program. I wanted to climb the ranks as quickly as I could at my job because that was what I knew meant success. In the United States, we favor success and promote the idea that if you are not moving ahead, getting raises and promotions, you are failing in some way. A lot of careers start off with us on the frontline, doing menial work, having to earn our places in our respective fields. I know that is how I started out as an Intake Counselor at a local community mental health facility. I can only assume by your age that you are in the beginning of your journey as well. While this may not be the most rewarding time for you, it may be an important time because you can start developing the self-care and coping strategies you need when you reach my age.

When it comes to anxiety, it is an awful feeling that, unfortunately, we all have to experience. Add in sex negativity and the lack of sex education in this world, you can truly feel frozen in how to respond. In reading your question, two avenues come to mind that you should explore: lowering your stress and giving yourself permission to explore your sexuality.

First, let’s talk about stress. The stress response, often called the “fight or flight” response, is the body’s way of reacting to perceived danger or stressors. At its core, cortisol, a hormone released by the adrenal glands, plays a central role. When stress is detected, the brain signals the adrenal glands to release cortisol, which increases blood sugar, enhances the brain’s use of glucose, and curbs non-essential functions like digestion and sexual desire to prioritize survival. While short bursts of cortisol are helpful, chronic stress can lead to consistently elevated cortisol levels, which may contribute to health issues such as anxiety, depression, weakened immunity, and low sexual desire. Are you starting the see the connection between stress and desire? If you are really interested in the science of stress, check out a fun video exploring how humans respond to it called Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers by Robert Sapolsky.

What people tend to forget about stress is that when it becomes chronic, the brain can adapt to these heightened levels, establishing a “new normal” or baseline. Because of this, you need to figure out how your body responds to stress. Is it more cognitive, like worry, more somatic, like stomach aches and a racing heart, or a combination of both? Once you tune into your body’s response, you can then integrate a slew of stress-reduction techniques (e.g., mindfulness, journaling, therapy, working out, social engagements, etc.).

Moving onto intimacy, the connection between stress and desire is well documented. If cortisol was a bully, its main target would be testosterone, which is one of our main sex-driving hormones. Because of this, a lot, if not most, humans experience a low want for sex when they are experiencing stress. On a neurological level, there are two factors needed to unlock arousal and desire: the feeling of relaxation and the perception of safety. By tackling your stress, you will be able to start feeling more relaxed, which handles the first factor beautifully. Now you may be thinking, “what the heck is perception of safety?”

Simply put, it means that you feel safe in your body to be open to exploring desire. This perception is impacted by a number of factors including the person you want to explore with sexually, the environment, past traumas, and many other influences specific to you.

So, when you are wondering how you can increase your desire for sex, I want you to start with giving yourself permission to be sexual and to want sex. Give yourself permission to explore what turns you on and what turns you off sexually. Once you have given yourself permission, do me a favor and read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It will change your life, personally and sexually.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer:
The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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