Via the PD, students at Cleveland State are in an uproar over increasingly draconian dorm policies effected this school year by college administrators as CSU transitions to a more residential campus. The changes were inspired by recommendations from American Campus Communities, a Texas company that claims to be “the nation’s largest developer, owner and manager of high-quality housing communities.” “High-quality” of course meaning, in the grand tradition of glossy collegiate promotional literature, “redolent of a Soviet prison.”
This year’s resident handbook for students outlines a number of tightened restrictions affecting student drinking and dorm visitors. For residents of legal drinking age, alcohol possession is limited to six 12-oz. cans of beer, one 375-ml bottle of liquor, or one standard bottle of wine per student. Residents of legal drinking age aren’t allowed to drink in the presence of minors, even roommates. Students are not allowed to “consume from a common source container,” colloquially known as a “keg,” nor are they allowed to keep empty booze bottles in their room as “decorations.” The guidelines also threaten judicial action if students bring “guests” over between 2 and 6 a.m., tragically jeopardizing most students’ prospects of ever getting laid.
Dean of students James Drnek explained, “I’m sorry, but I have to balance safety against someone’s need to bring someone home they just met at a bar.” CSU spokesman Joe Mosbrook said that the policy changes reflect safety concerns particular to the “urban” campus.
Other creepily specific outlawed behaviors include using “curse words” in public, “water or shaving cream fights,” owning more than ten pounds of free weights, engaging in any “drinking game to accelerate or intensify the consumption of alcoholic beverages,” receiving more than two guests at a time, use of video or photographic equipment for non-academic purposes (a semantic loophole that thankfully spares dirty teacher-themed amateur porn productions), and “attire or lack thereof which exposes breasts and/or genitals.”
All we can say is: It’s about damn time. All that strenuous deadlifting, swearing, and Barbasol warfare previously so rampant on campus was a disgrace to the institution and a stain on our community, so we’re delighted someone finally took a stand and ensured that students will henceforth sate their recreational urges with marbles, hoop rolling, pig-bladder ball toss, and RuneScape—lively and constructive pastimes cherished for centuries by jocund collegiate youths. Oh, and drunk driving, which, as one student reported, the no-guests-after-2 policy virtually mandates.
This article appears in Feb 27 – Mar 5, 2013.
So? If you don’t like the rules, don’t go to CSU. If you’re going to college to get laid, get drunk, or whatever else they are choosing to ban, then go somewhere else as well. It’s also interesting to note that although these rules are in place, they will not always be enforced, nor will there be ways to check that you are following said rules. No guests after 2am? Get the person in your room by 1, and then don’t make a whole bunch of noise maybe! This is not a huge deal.
Actually, It’s pretty retarded. I mean, college kids probably shouldn’t be drinking all night and bringing home strangers, but they also shouldn’t be told they aren’t allowed. They pay a lot of money to go there, and placing rules on them like they are children is ridiculous and unconstitutional if you ask me.
What’s the purpose of going to college and living in a dorm if you can’t destroy your living space, party 24/7, and act like an asshole? Lighten up, CSU! Next thing, you’ll be making these poor put-upon children actually buy textbooks, study for tests, go to class, and even learn enough to pass their courses and graduate.
Dorms are zoos in most universities, but kids have pushed the envelope too far in recent years. Go rent some run-down slummy apartment and see how long most landlords will tolerate the crap that administrators wink at. Like the shaving cream fights…someone could poke their eye out! Then they’d have a reason to use “curse words in public”…as in “Goddammit, you’ve blinded me and I can’t fucking see!”
After two years of hating dorm life, I moved into an attic slum, and life was good. One afternoon my landlord barged in on me and my girlfriend while we were rolling around on the floor and blasting In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida. And yeah, he actually believed that what he smelled was incense.
Why spend all that moolah if you can’t stand a few restrictions? Deal with it….or just go find some off-campus dump…or live with mommy and daddy. Or maybe put down the bottle and stop acting like a shmuck.
Chuckles the Clown
a similar protest was launched when students were reminded that murder and sexual assaults were also against the rules.
Simple fix…Live off campus…Parents can write notes and kids save on dorm fees that run ridiculous amounts….I NEVER wanted to live in a dorm…Thankfully I pulled a fast one….
love all the idiots freaking out about jack shit