Confirmed: Cleveland Would Certainly Convert The Grinch

Thanks to the good minds at the Martin Prosperity Institute, we can rest assured that Cleveland wouldn’t stand for any Grinch bullshit.

Yes, yes: We rank pretty high on the Grinch Conversion Index. To wit, Cleveland’s jolly as hell all year ’round and fully capable of talking down resident Grinches.

Trenton, N.J., meanwhile, takes top honors in the GCI. Yuma, Ariz., ranked at the bottom. Though the criteria listed below were all considered, we rank this survey at the top of our Arbitrary Holiday Schtick Index.

– Population density: “greater amount of merry people within an area”
– Costume rental stores per capita: “the Grinch can get his Santa disguise”
– Selected retail outlets per capita: “more presents for the Grinch to steal and eventually return”
– Meat markets per capita: “for the roast beast”
– Musicians, singers, music directors, and composers per capita: “to first annoy, then touch the Grinch’s heart with singing”
– Night-time light: “to draw the Grinch’s attention”
– Hospitals per capita: “for the Grinch when his heart grows ‘three sizes that day’

This article appears in Dec 19-25, 2012.