Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Hey Matt,
My partner and I have a good sex life, but I feel like we tend to rush into sex pretty quickly. I would love for us to build more anticipation and desire instead of immediately going for the obvious places. Do you have any exercises or suggestions for slowing things down?
One of the reasons I decided to move away from traditional therapy and specialize in sex and relationships had a lot to do with my desire to better understand a topic that so many of us, if not all of us, have experienced shame around at some point in our lives. Sexuality is such an important part of being human, yet we are rarely taught how to actually understand it. The question for todays article is one I get asked often in my office and my answer is usually pretty simple: stop rushing. We have been taught to think about sex as a fairly predictable progression. We kiss, maybe touch each other for a few minutes, clothes come off, genitals get involved, and eventually we are supposed to arrive at orgasm. Now, that sounds fun as hell, but when we follow the same sexual script over and over again, we can accidentally remove one of the things that makes sex so exciting in the first place: anticipation.
Building desire is actually one of the most fun things I help clients do in therapy, in part due to the fact that it does not necessarily require buying a new toy or learning some elaborate position. We all have sexual scripts that are learned through years of interacting with others and the world. Sometimes you just need to interrupt the script you have been following. One of my favorite ways to do that is an exercise I call the 20-Minute No Genitals Challenge (I think I need to come up with a cleverer name so if you have any recommendations, let me know).
The rules are ridiculously simple. Set a timer for twenty minutes. During those twenty minutes, no touching genitals, no touching breasts, and no intercourse. That is it. Everything else is available to explore as long as everyone involved is comfortable and consenting. I know that might initially sound like I am taking all the fun out of sex, but I swear I am not. I am actually trying to do the opposite. I am forcing you to slow down long enough to discover how much of your partner’s body you may have been ignoring.
For those twenty minutes, your job is curiosity. Touch your partner’s neck, shoulders, back, hips, thighs, scalp, arms, hands, or anywhere else you normally race past on the way to the places we typically consider sexual. Experiment with different types of touch. Try your fingertips versus the palm of your hand. Try lighter pressure and firmer pressure. Slow things down. Pay attention to breathing, movement, sounds, and how your partner’s body responds. Make it a point to notice the arousal that is building as you and your partner(s) grow closer to each other.
Most importantly, talk to each other while you are doing it. Ask, “Do you like that?” “More pressure or less?” “Slower or faster?” “Do you want me to keep going?” We sometimes act as though great sexual partners should instinctively know exactly what another person wants, but pleasure is not mind reading. Most past the awkwardness and you will see what is on the other side. Communication is one of the best sexual skills you can develop, and an exercise like this gives you an opportunity to practice it without making the conversation feel like a performance review.
What I love about this challenge is that it reminds us that the entire body has the potential to be erotic. Sure, the genitals are a fun place we all want to park our car during sex, but when we reduce sex to a handful of body parts, we are leaving an enormous amount of pleasure on the table. Someone might discover that having their scalp touched drives them wild. Another person might realize they love having their lower back slowly traced. Hell, maybe fingering an ear is your thing. You may have been with someone for ten years and suddenly discover a place on their body that gets a reaction you have never seen before. That is where curiosity becomes incredibly valuable in long-term relationships. You may know your partner’s body, but that does not mean there is nothing left to discover.
Ironically, taking something off the table can sometimes make you want it even more. In my book, anticipation can be incredibly erotic and if the number 1 aspect of sex I explore with my clients. Think about the difference between immediately getting something you want and knowing you have to wait for it. I remember when I was a kid finding a Christmas gift from “Santa” in my parents closet and when I opened it on Christmas morning, I was disappointed. When couples intentionally delay gratification, they give desire an opportunity to build instead of expecting it to appear instantly. By the time that twenty-minute timer goes off, you may be far more interested in what happens next than you would have been if you had gone directly to the usual routine five minutes earlier.
So, here is your homework. Find twenty uninterrupted minutes. Put the phones away. Turn off the television. Set the timer and agree that genitals, breasts, and intercourse are off the table until that timer goes off. Then stop worrying about where sex is supposed to go and start exploring where it could go. Great sex is not always about adding more. Sometimes it is about slowing down, removing the destination, and giving yourselves enough time to become curious about each other again. Happy exploring!
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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