There’s a reason Mayor Frank Jackson and County Executive Armond Budish are being so damn secretive about Cleveland’s proposal for the second Amazon Headquarters — incentives. As splashy as the recently-released bid videos are, there’s no way they’re enough to persuade the Seattle-based company to come to Cleveland. Here are all the promises we imagine the city made to ensure that HQ2 is built here over the other 237 North American cities that put their hat in the ring.
There’s a reason Mayor Frank Jackson and County Executive Armond Budish are being so damn secretive about Cleveland’s proposal for the second Amazon Headquarters — incentives. As splashy as the recently-released bid videos are, there’s no way they’re enough to persuade the Seattle-based company to come to Cleveland. Here are all the promises we imagine the city made to ensure that HQ2 is built here over the other 237 North American cities that put their hat in the ring.
1. The Cuyahoga River will henceforth be renamed the “Amazon River.”
Photo by Sam Allard2. City will replace all Heinen’s locations with the Amazon-owned Whole Foods.
Scene Archives Photo3. The Q will become the permanent rec center for Amazon employees. City says, “We’ll just have the taxpayers build a new arena for the Cavs.”
Photo by Eric Sandy4. The next animal born at the Cleveland Zoo is set to be named Bezos (after Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, who is officially now the richest person in the world).
Photo via Cleveland Metroparks Zoo/Facebook5. Alexa can be the announcer for all games and events held at Quicken Loans Arena (or any other arena built for the Cavs).
Photo via Amazon.com6. Amazon HQ2 Employee of the Month gets to start one game at QB for Browns, because at this point it couldn’t hurt.
Photo Courtesy Cleveland Browns7. City will build another Opportunity Corridor, with blessing from future Gov. Mike DeWine, from one end of HQ2 to the other.
Illustration via Scene Archives8. All Amazon HQ2 water fountains will offer Christmas Ale instead of water.
Photo by Emanuel Wallace9. Any new house built by an Amazon employee receives a 400-year property tax abatement.
Realtor.com photo10. Amazon cafeteria will permanently offer free selections from Barrio,
Photo via Barrio/Facebook10. Mitchell’s Ice Cream
Photo by Emanuel Wallace10. And also Melt Bar and Grilled.
Photo via MeltBarGrilled/Instagram11. Michael Symon will become Jeff Bezos’ personal chef.
Photo courtesy Food Network12. A no-bid contract awarded to Amazon drones for service department pothole repairs.
Photo via David Shankbone/Wikipedia13. “Intimate” bi-monthly concerts held in the Amazon conference rooms from Cleveland artists like Carlos Jones,
Photo by Caitlin Summers13. and Michael Stanley.
Photo by Joe Kleon
