The Onion is an American institution. The satirical newspaper and website, which started in Madison, Wisconsin, is known for its hilarious takes on current events, news, pop culture and sports and leaves no prisoners in its wake. Nothing is off limits when it comes to The Onion’s unique brand of humor and satire and Cleveland and the state of Ohio have been part of some of the best Onion headlines in recent memory. Here are the 25 best headlines where The Onion skewered our home state and hometown.

NFLPA Received Numerous Complaints From Free Agents Harassed By Cleveland Browns “We’ve unfortunately heard from a host of free agents around the league who have been forced to deal with continuous unwanted and, frankly, pretty aggressive overtures from Browns front office executives and coaches,” said NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith, adding that allegations against the Browns organization include calling potential free agent signings at all times of night, leaving long, rambling messages on their voicemails, and mailing them numerous Browns jerseys already stitched with their name and number.”
13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State
Cleveland Ukrainian Museum Pulling Out All Stops To Prepare For Onrush Of RNC Visitors “‘I also rented a dozen more rope posts so we can control the line and have it wrap neatly along the side of the building when the RNC events let out and people start making their way over here. Our goal is to get everyone inside and learning about Ukrainian history as quickly and seamlessly as possible.’”
God Clarifies That He Still Hates Cleveland Fans Despite Cavaliers Championship “‘I just figured that enough is enough, so I decided to throw them a bone and finally give them a title, but believe me, I still can’t stand Cleveland teams or their fans,” said the Lord”.
Kids In ‘Scared-Straight’ Program Visit Horrifying Cleveland Cavaliers Practice “While there, they were subjected to the same environment of hopelessness and despair the Cavaliers face every day and were forced to watch the NBA’s worst team attempt layup drills, run the most basic offensive plays, and play a full-court scrimmage.”
Legal Loophole In Art Modell’s Will Eliminates Cleveland Browns Forever “At press time, sources confirmed Modell had bequeathed the Browns’ 1964 NFL championship to LeBron James and ordered the immediate demolition of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.”
Secret Service Rooftop Sniper Team Depressed By Sprawling View Of Cleveland “Man, I thought maybe if I looked the other way I would feel better, but there’s just a murky river full of floating garbage on this side. I just hope I can come down soon.”
Ohio State Self-Reported Secondary Violations They Just Assume Currently Happening “At press time, the NCAA had released a statement saying they assumed they were already closely monitoring the university for some recruiting bullshit.”
LeBron James Crestfallen After Learning L.A. Doesn’t Have Any Rock And Roll Museums “‘Honestly, it’s been a big let down—none of the neighborhoods I’ve been to are as cool and arty as the Flats and Tremont. Cleveland had the lakefront, too. L.A. doesn’t have any great lakes, and I haven’t spotted a single James Garfield Monument.’”
GOP Builds Full-Scale Replica Of Struggling Ohio Town To Train Presidential Hopefuls “Reports indicated that the facility’s design team employed regional experts to ensure the authenticity of every aspect of the faux restaurant, from the wardrobe of truck drivers at the counter who must be greeted with a hearty “Morning, fellas” and slapped on the back, to the recipe for the unpalatable World-Famous Chili, which candidates must learn to choke down while maintaining an approving smile.”
Entirety Of Browns Dawg Pound Euthanized Following Rabies Outbreak “ It may seem cruel, but their quality of life was never going to be the same—they were battling constant seizures, and the hydrophobia resulting from the rabies was making it impossible for them to drink beer.”
Cavs Fan Already Knows He Won’t Feel A Thing When Kevin Love Dies “If they put him on a mural with LeBron and Kyrie then I’d be okay with that, but he definitely doesn’t deserve his own memorial. I might like some fan art of him walking into Heaven.”
Cleveland Changes Lights On Abandoned Manufacturing Plants To Red In Support Of Indians The headline says it all.
Cleveland Finishes Construction On New Elevated Sewer System “‘This state-of-the-art structure, with its sloshing aboveground river of human piss and shit, will remain a defining feature of the Cleveland skyline for decades to come,” said Mayor Frank Jackson, cutting a ribbon atop the new sewer station in front of City Hall as a large sluice opened and thousands of tons of excrement began to flow through the crisscrossing series of open ducts now running above all major streets.”
Cleveland Indians Owner Admits Chief Wahoo No Longer Compatible With Modern Revenue Growth Expectations “‘I know many people in Cleveland have a long connection to the Chief, but he is just not a mascot for 21st century earnings.” Dolan added that some Chief Wahoo merchandise would still be available for sale out of reverence for his former profitability with fans”.
LeBron James Clearly Expecting Cleveland-Area Deli To Give Him Free Sandwich “At press time, after another customer had gone up to the cashier to pay, James abruptly grabbed a small bag of chips and quickly walked out.”
Ohio State Begins Scouting For Next Scandal See headline.
The Best Cities To Live In For Fans Of Rock And Roll Museums And The Cleveland Browns “Linkoping, Sweden – This Swedish city located within the Östergötland province is the residence of an aging collector of classic rock memorabilia who would choose the Browns if he had to pick a favorite NFL team! Talk about a real treat!”
Johnny Manziel Forced To Wear Cleveland Browns Jersey In Cruel Rookie Hazing Incident “Sources say the Browns are also investigating whether bullying may have been at play after discovering that 2014 first-round pick Justin Gilbert was recently forced to purchase a home in Cleveland.”
Trump Vows To Bring Back Ohio Town’s White Castle “‘This town was built on jalapeño sliders, onion rings, and mozzarella cheese sticks, but now it’s getting screwed over by foreign companies like Taco Bell and Panda Express. Frankly, it’s a disgrace, and I’m in talks with the regional franchise manager to reopen this restaurant and make sure Ohioans have access to all the best American fast foods.’”
Archaeologists Discover Fully Intact 17th-Century Belief System In Ohio Congressman “‘All the 400-year-old viewpoints remain almost completely untouched, from religion’s place in society to the rights of women to the attitude toward science. I can only imagine the insights this single sample will provide as to how people who lived centuries ago saw the world around them,’ said Dr. Claire Goode.”
LeBron James Credits Teammates With Providing 4 Bodies Necessary To Avoid Forfeiture Against Pacers “‘I really have to hand it to my guys for showing up at the arena and preventing an automatic loss with our season on the line,” said James, praising his teammates’ promptness and stressing that they were equipped to compete with warm-up sweats, jerseys, and sneakers.”
Cleveland Indians Rattled By Deafening Sound Of Wrigley Field Crowd’s Indigestion “‘It’s so loud—I’ve never heard anything like this before,” said Indians infielder Mike Napoli, whose voice was barely audible over the booming growls of Cubs fans’ stomachs reverberating throughout the stadium, with experts estimating that the roar of the crowd’s indigestion reached as loud as 120 decibels.”
Former Cavaliers Mascot Whammer Spotted At Cleveland Game In Wizards Jersey See headline.

Scene's award-winning newsroom oftentimes collaborates on articles and projects. Stories under this byline are group efforts.