Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
I often hear this in my work as a therapist, and it got me thinking about just how frequently clients say, “I feel sexually neglected by my partner.” That sentence carries so much weight. Feeling neglected is not a new human experience. We can feel it in friendships, in families, at work, and even from our pets (as sad as that is for me to say). Add in feeling stressed or vulnerable, and any sign of distance can feel amplified. Most of the time, neglect in relationships is not intentional. It can be, and I will talk about that a little bit later on is this article, but more often than not, people in partnerships do not wake up thinking, “How can I ignore my partner today?” That would be pretty wild, if you think about it. We get overwhelmed, distracted, anxious, depressed, and maybe even burnt out just by being human. So, let’s zoom in on why sexual neglect is so common, and what we can do to navigate it.
When someone says, “I feel sexually neglected,” what they are often saying underneath that is, “I don’t feel wanted, I don’t feel prioritized, or I don’t feel chosen.” Sex is rarely just about orgasm. It is about connection. It is about being seen in your desirability. It is about knowing your partner turns toward you rather than away from you. For many people, sex is one of the primary ways they experience closeness. It is reassurance. It is grounding. It is the moment where the world fades and you are reminded that you matter to someone. There is even research that backs this up. Studies on sexual satisfaction consistently show that feeling desired is strongly associated with overall relationship satisfaction. In Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski talks about how desire is context dependent. When stress increases, desire often decreases. When someone is in survival mode, juggling work, family, financial pressure, mental health challenges, or even unresolved shame around sex, their sexual energy shifts. The “brakes” on their sexual system get pressed harder. That does not automatically mean they find you unattractive. It often means their system is overloaded.
This is where attachment theory becomes important. John Bowlby’s early work and later research on adult attachment, including the work of Sue Johnson, show that humans are wired for connection. Have you ever wondered why solitary confinement is so scary for people? When we perceive distance from an attachment figure, our nervous system can interpret that as threat. So, if sex decreases, and sex is one of your main ways of feeling bonded, your body might register that change as abandonment. Sirens start going off. Your heart rate may increase. Your thoughts may spiral. You will probably start scanning for evidence that something is wrong. The decrease in sexual contact is not just about missed orgasms. It can be about your sense of safety.
I have seen this play out not only in my office, but also in my own life. There was a stretch of time when I told my partner that I was feeling neglected. Now, my partner is great, but we hit a season where if felt like we were ships passing in the night. Busy schedules. Deadlines. Stress. My brain began crafting a narrative. Maybe he is not attracted to me anymore. Maybe I am asking for too much. Maybe this is what long-term relationships turn into! Thankfully, the truth was far less dramatic. He was exhausted and stuck in his own head. But because we did not name it immediately, my nervous system filled in the blanks. That is what our brains do when information is missing. They create stories, and not every story is a fun one.
So, what can you do if you are feeling sexually neglected? Start with curiosity. There is a difference between saying, “You never want me anymore,” and saying, “I have been feeling disconnected and I really miss you. Can we talk about it?” The first statement can trigger defensiveness. The second invites vulnerability. That shift in tone matters. When you lead with accusation, your partner’s nervous system prepares for battle. When you lead with longing, it can invite closeness. Remember, impact matters more than intention. While intention is important, how the words come out of my mouth (i.e. the tone, cadence, my body language) matters more.
Next, communicate about what sex means to you. Not just how often you want it, but what it represents. For some people, sex is stress relief. For others, it is reassurance that they are loved. Sex can invite playfulness and creativity. If your partner does not understand the emotional weight sex carries for you, they may underestimate your pain. You also may not understand what is happening on their side either. Maybe they are dealing with performance anxiety. Maybe they feel ashamed about changes in their body. Maybe they are carrying resentment that has never been addressed. Sexual disconnection is often a symptom of something deeper.
When we feel neglected, we often protect ourselves by pulling back. We stop initiating. We shut down emotionally. We tell ourselves we do not care. I remember telling myself, “This is all a phase.” But that protective wall can widen the gap. Attachment research shows that secure bonds are strengthened when partners turn toward each other in moments of distress. That may look like scheduling intentional time together. It may look like rebuilding with non-sexual touch. It may look like saying, “I am scared we are drifting and I do not want that.” It may also mean seeing a therapist to help translate what each of you is feeling.
I also need to acknowledge the harder truth. Sometimes neglect is not accidental. If your partner repeatedly dismisses your concerns, mocks your desire, uses sex as leverage, or withholds intimacy as punishment, that moves into relational harm. That is not just mismatched libido, it is a dynamic that deserves serious attention. No one should feel shamed for wanting closeness. But in most relationships, sexual neglect is not about cruelty. It is about misattunement. Two people trying to survive stress at the same time, navigating their nervous systems, and in the chaos, intimacy slips.
If you are the one feeling neglected, your longing makes sense. Wanting to be wanted is human. If you are the one being told you are neglecting your partner, pause before you defend yourself. Underneath that complaint is usually pain. Underneath that pain is a desire for connection. Sex is not just an act. It is a barometer. When it shifts, it is usually pointing to something deeper. What is it? Exhaustion? Resentment? Anxiety? Shame? Instead of asking only, “Why aren’t we having sex?” consider asking, “Where did we stop turning toward each other?” That question opens the door to repair and signals to each other that you are ready and willing to put in the work to solving it.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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