Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
I hate masturbating, but I can orgasm when I do that. Once I am with a guy, I can’t.
-Anonymous
I wish I could say that women having difficulty orgasming during partnered sex was a problem from the past, but unfortunately, it isn’t, and it shows up in my office at least once a day. I appreciate you writing in that you are not a fan of masturbating. This lets me know a little bit about your relationship with self-pleasure. I won’t spend a lot of time here because I don’t want you to feel like you must engage with something you hate, but the fact that you can give yourself and orgasm is amazing and can be pulled upon in helping you with other people. When engaging with yourself, think about what feels pleasurable when you are doing it compared to when others are involved. If you notice any differences, we want to let those we are having sex with know (more on this later). If you are interested, check out this document I created. It may be helpful.
Let’s talk a little bit about your partners. I am gathering from your question that you primarily have sex with penis-owners. I say this because research shows that vulva-owners tend to have more successful orgasms with other vulva-owners. As a sex therapist, I usually do not put blame on the partner, but I am curious about the ability of these men you are engaging with during sex. Ability makes it sound like there is some threshold that men have to hit to be considered a “good lover,” when there isn’t. I more so mean, do they care about equality of orgasms in the bedroom. Are they interested in helping you on your journey towards euphoria or are they too preoccupied with themselves. If the case is the latter, this may be a compatibility issue and I would promptly stop engaging with these kind of humans. If not, then we move into an area that gets a little messy when it comes to sex: vulnerability.
Oh, vulnerability. Arguably one of the least sexy components of sex, at least according to my clients. Honestly, I get it. Vulnerability usually means opening yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt, which is not exactly a turn on for most people. But here’s the thing. The payoff is exactly why we keep coming back to it, especially when it comes to sex. Vulnerability is where safety, trust, and real intimacy live. Without it, sex might happen, but connection rarely does. When vulnerability is avoided, people often default to performance, scripts, and doing what they think they are supposed to do. While that may look good on the outside, it usually leaves people feeling disconnected and quite unsatisfied. Being able to find a partner you trust and bringing them into your world, that could be a big game changer.
Something to consider as well are the different kinds of orgasms that exist and exploring which ones you can have success with, either by yourself or with others. The three that come to mind with vulva owners would be clitoral orgasms, vaginal orgasms, and anal orgasms. Yes, vulva-owners can experience anal orgasms, more on that here. Research shows that roughly 25% of
women can have orgasms through vaginal penetration. Most (if not all) vulva-owners require or prefer clitoral stimulation when having sex. You wrote that you just struggle with orgasm in general when others are involved, so it may be worth exploring these various different kinds, first by yourself, and then with a partner.
I also think it may be worth talking a little bit about anxiety. Anxiety tends to sneak in when vulnerability and communication are missing. When you are not able to be open about what you want or what is not working, the body often fills in the gaps with worry. Not having an orgasm, faking one, or quietly tolerating sex that does not feel good can start to build this internal monster. This monster is not a fun one you can kick it with. This is a scary monster. One that feeds on shame, on self doubt, and on the narrative that something must be wrong with you. The longer it goes unspoken, the bigger and louder that monster gets, until anxiety is no longer just about sex, but about your body, your desirability, and your worth. I have met this monster before and let me tell you, it took me some time, and therapy, to get rid of him.
So, here is what I want you to hear as we wrap this up. Nothing about you is broken. Your body works. Your pleasure works. You can have sex with other people and still be engaged. The struggle you are experiencing lives at the intersection of anxiety, vulnerability, communication, and cultural messaging about sex, not in some personal failure. Give yourself some grace. This is slow, intentional work, and the fact that you wrote in tells me you are already doing it. Next up, continue getting curious and practicing vulnerability with people you trust. Pleasure is not reserved for a lucky few. My hope for you is that partnered sex becomes a place where orgasm feels possible, not something that fuels anxiety or self doubt.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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