Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Hey Matt, My wife and I are butting heads lately because I have this need for sex, and she doesn’t. We are constantly fighting and she says I think too much about it and I tell her she doesn’t. We are stuck in this loop.
– Zach
Hey Zach! Thanks for writing in with your dilemma. I can hear Angela Lansbury singing right now: “Tale as old as time, true as it can be…” One of the first things we learn in our sex therapy schooling is how to work with couples/poly folx who have desire differences. When one partner wants sex more often than the other, it can feel extremely disheartening. You ask, they say no. You pursue, they withdraw. The cycle begins and it can be hard to break. But fear not, these kinds of mismatches are incredibly common in relationships. Because higher-libido partners can often feel let down, I want to focus my energy today on sharing strategies to help you and your wife rewrite this narrative so that sex can feel more sustainable and less pressured.
Let’s start with word choice. I don’t love the word “need” when it comes to sex. Instead, I like the word “want.” In life, you don’t NEED anything besides food, water, and sleep. When it comes to sex, that is more of a want. That doesn’t make it any less important; it just helps shift how we approach it. Framing sex as a want opens the door to curiosity and collaboration, rather than urgency and resentment. If we tell ourselves we need something, it thrusts us into a pass/fail mentality. Either I am getting what I need, or I am not. When we treat sex like a need, it can create pressure and guilt, for everyone, and that tends to close off intimacy rather than build it.
I heard this analogy once when talking about high vs low-libido individuals and it has always stuck with me. In the story of the tortoise and the hare, the truth is that hares can slow down, but tortoises just can’t speed up. The partner with the higher libido (the “hare”) might be able to pause, redirect, or explore different ways to express that energy. But if the lower libido partner (the “tortoise”) feels pressured to move faster, they may shut down altogether, emotionally and physically. In some cases, they may even start to avoid intimacy because it feels tied to performance or obligation. Neither person is broken or wrong for falling into their respective categories. The goal isn’t to make one person “catch up” to the other, but to find new ways of connecting that honor both of your experiences.
For the higher libido partner, your desire matters. But it’s important to take a step back and ask yourself, what drives my desire for sex? Is it connection? Pleasure? Validation? Stress relief? Orgasm? Most people approach their partner wanting sex, when in reality, they just want to feel connected. When you know what’s fueling it, you can find multiple ways to meet that desire. Maybe it’s through cuddling skin-to-skin, flirting, sensual touch, or self-pleasure.
Partnered sex can be one pathway, but not the only one. Sometimes just feeling the weight of your partner on your body may be enough to satisfy that want. When you diversify your sources of intimacy, you create space for your partner to re-engage without feeling overwhelmed.
As you may have already guessed, another key piece here is communication. Intent and impact both matter. You might intend to say, “I miss being close to you,” but your partner might hear, “You’re not doing enough.” Small shifts in language can change the tone completely. Try saying things like, “I miss being sexual with you,” or “I’ve been wanting more physical intimacy,” or “I’d like to do something to pleasure you,” or even, “I’d love to have an orgasm, want to join me? If not, that’s okay too.” These phrases take ownership of your desire while giving your partner choice. Most low libido partners can already feel like they are broken and not doing enough. Zach, if you can shift your language some, that balance of honesty and autonomy can build trust and reduces defensiveness.
Let’s talk some about rejection. If you’ve stopped initiating because being denied hurts, it might help to talk about that openly. Let your partner know what happens internally when you reach out and they say no. Rejection is an easy emotion to feel here because we are often told this by greater society. But they aren’t rejecting you, they are honoring themselves. It’s okay to admit that it feels discouraging when you try to connect and it doesn’t land. Equally, it’s okay for your partner to acknowledge that desire doesn’t always come flow as intense as yours. These conversations are vulnerable, but they’re often the key to breaking the loop you described.
As I wrap up, remember, pleasure doesn’t have to be shared to be valid. The golden rule we want to abide by is as follows: You are responsible for your own pleasure. This could come in many forms as self-exploration is healthy and normal. Masturbation, erotic audio, reading, or fantasy can all be part of a fulfilling sexual life, individually or alongside your partner. It may be worth having a conversation about sexually explicit material and its role in your relationship. Some people even make explicit agreements around this: “I don’t want you to feel pressured, so how do you feel about me engaging with erotic material on my own?” These conversations can ease tension while keeping connection intact. At the end of the day, desire differences don’t have to divide you. With curiosity and communication, they can actually deepen intimacy and fortify the foundation of your sexual relationship.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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This article appears in Relationship Advice, Love Advice, Sex Advice, and Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist.