Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
My boyfriend and I like having sex in public and I don’t see it changing any time soon. I think he likes it more than I do, and he gets more out of it, but I still think it’s fun. Usually, we find a secluded location when it is dark out so that I can feel more comfortable. Lately, he wants to do it in more riskier places and while I am still onboard, I got to say that I don’t know how far I would go. He told me this when we first started dating so it is not like I am shocked, but how can I have this conversation with him without him getting mad at me?
Eric
Nothing like a little bit of exhibitionism to start our week. For those of you reading who may not know, exhibitionism is when someone gets turned on by the act of being seen. At its heart, it’s about the rush of exposure. That might look like enjoying consensual play where being watched is part of the turn-on, like, leaving the curtains cracked during an intimate moment or walking around nude knowing a partner is looking. Now Eric, I am not saying your partner is fully an exhibitionist. Exhibitionism is not the same thing as public sex. If I had to define the difference between the two, I would say public sex is more about the thrill of the setting (e.g. doing it on the beach, in the backseat, or sneaking into a park at night), while exhibitionism is more about the audience. It is also worth noting the Exhibitionism is classified in the DSM as a mental disorder, but we won’t be speaking about that misguided failure of our system in this column.
You see, Eric, you can have public sex with zero interest in being seen, and you can be an exhibitionist in private if what excites you is the idea of someone watching. But here’s the important line: consent matters. We need to figure out what you are getting about of these experiences so that you can tell your partner what exactly you enjoy about public sex. Exhibitionism becomes a problem when it’s forced on people who didn’t sign up to watch, like flashing strangers or deliberately exposing yourself in public spaces where bystanders can’t opt in. That’s not playful; that’s violating, a crime, and something that should be avoided at all costs.
But let’s talk a little bit more about why public sex is so thrilling for some people. For some people, public sex carries this undeniable thrill because it mixes intimacy with just the right dash of risk. It’s not necessarily about wanting an audience. Instead, it’s about breaking the rules and sneaking in something private where it’s “not supposed to happen.” That mix of secrecy and possibility can spike adrenaline in a way that makes everything feel more intense and electric. The thought that “we could get caught” often sharpens the focus on each other, making the moment feel more alive, more present, and more charged than the routine of the bedroom. The power of something being considered, “taboo,” can be electrifying for some.
As much as I don’t want to rain on the parade of those of enjoy public play, we’ve also got to be real about the risks. When you’re in a public space, you don’t get to control who stumbles into your scene. Maybe it’s another couple who shrugs and keeps walking, but maybe it’s a teenager riding their bike through the Cleveland Metroparks who suddenly sees two people going at it on the trail. That kind of encounter can be confusing, even scary, and it could leave a lasting mark that they never asked for. Consent isn’t just about the people having sex. It’s also about the people who might unintentionally get pulled into witnessing it. What feels thrilling for you could genuinely harm someone else, and that’s worth paying attention to.
Reading your question, I can see the mix of genuine enjoyment and potential concern you are feeling, Eric. If you’re feeling uneasy about how much riskier the public sex may become, the best move is to be upfront with your partner. You might start with something like, “I love the excitement of what we’ve been doing, but I’m worried that some of the spots we’re choosing are a little too risky.” That way, you’re affirming the fun you’ve been having while also being clear about your concern. My hope is that you have created a relationship based on mutual respect and that he is able to hear your concerns. If not, you may have a bigger problem on your hands.
From there, you can open the door to problem-solving together. Try saying, “I want us to keep the thrill, but I also want to make sure we’re not putting ourselves in a bad spot. How can we find safer ways to explore this?” Framing it as a “we” conversation invites your partner into collaboration, rather than making it sound like you’re laying down rules. Maybe that means choosing more secluded spots, sticking to “semi-public” play like the car or a balcony, or even exploring sex-positive spaces where being seen is part of the fun. The point is you don’t have to lose the adventure, you’re just shaping it in a way that works for both of you.
At the end of the day, Eric, this isn’t about shutting down your adventurous side. It’s about protecting both of you while still keeping things hot. Public sex can be fun, I know many people who put it at the top of their list of kinky desires, but it only stays fun when it’s safe, consensual, and respectful of the world around you. Think of this as an invitation to get creative: the two of you can still chase that rush without risking a neighbor, a kid on a bike, or a park ranger becoming part of the story. Trust me, the right mix of thrill and safety can make your connection even stronger, especially when you and he are on the same page.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: My Partner and I Enjoy Public Sex, But He Wants to Get Riskier
Public play is not necessarily about wanting an audience but the thrill. But when it veers into exhibitionism or riskier situations, it involves not only your consent but others’
