Starbucks stirred up quite the controversy earlier this holiday season when they released this year’s iteration of their annual holiday coffee cups. Already cranky morning customers everywhere were outraged when they discovered the holiday cups were simply solid red, adorned with the usual fan-favorite green Siren logo. The new design was seen as a mere ghost of holiday cups past, which featured more flamboyant holiday designs.
When asked his feelings on the change, one customer had this to say:
“It’s (stuff) like this that’s making it easier for the terrorists to gain followers. If we can’t think about Christmas, or look at Christmas (stuff), what else is there to think about this time of year, some Muslim holiday? That’s bull(stuff). And hey, why do you keep only calling them holiday cups? Anyway, this new design is terrible all the way around. Except for that mermaid chick, she’s hot as hell.”
The company, while first standing firmly behind their art, is now succumbing to customers’ demands to get rid of the cups. Though, don’t hold your breath waiting for the snowflakes and holiday pine trees to return to your favorite neighborhood café.
“Look, we get it, people were upset,” says Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz, “I wasn’t too jazzed about the cups either. I mean, when you think about it, they were just plain lazy. But to say they weren’t Christmas-y enough is ludicrous. The cup was red, the logo is green. The last time I checked, those are the official colors of Christmas! Also, the white on the logo could be snow or something, I guess. I’m Jewish anyway, so this whole thing seems a little wacky. Did anyone stop to think about MY feelings? No. We’re getting rid of the cups entirely. Ungrateful sons of (things)…”
Schulz is ordering all Starbucks locations to throw away all of the red holiday cups, and to instead splash “a pretty good amount” of scalding hot coffee in the face of every patron, even if they aren’t buying anything.
“The idea is to save on valuable time and money,” Schultz continued, “And no one will ever have to be offended by a coffee cup or any other kind of visual again, because they’ll be near-blind, if not full-on. We tested this, and the good news is, if you squint, you can kind of imagine that some of the stuff you can still see is Christmas stuff. It’s a win-win. I got rid of the Seattle Supersonics. Don’t think I won’t do this.”
As a further concession to customers, Starbucks will be handing out complimentary bottles of Aloe Vera gel with every coffee order, to help with any facial discomfort. Each bottle will be clear, adorned with only everyone’s favorite mermaid logo, because, “it already sort of looks like a logo for Aloe Vera anyway.”
This article appears in Dec 2-8, 2015.
Who cares!!
Is scene trying to be The Onion? If so, bravo good sir.
It’s Red dammit! That’s a Christmas color. People really need to get the fuck over their offended selves. I love the colored bags ( one is even blue for the Jewish contingent) that the beans come in. My take on all of this BS is I’m offended by the offended so there😝 ❤️☕️and ❤️ Starbucks
This article was really clever and funny, not an invitation to rehash in the comments whatever dumb shit pseudo controversy the cups initiated.
Loved the Supersonics line. I will never forget, Howard Schultz, the evil of which you are capable.
CEO of Star Bucks I’m Jewish myself and I appreciate companies like you and Walt Disney Co that respects ” ALL Diversities “. Not just One Religion. Happy Holidays Star Bucks and Walt Disney Co !. I’m a cast member myself and I tell all my guests at work Happy Holidays!. They all appreciate me saying that !.
Again Thank You !.
The people that have a problem with these cups really need to get a life and let it go!I cannot believe That people in this country are complaining over such small things…we really do have bigger things to worry about than cups!!!! Smh
I can’t believe that Starbucks succumbed to this ridiculous pressure! The line at Starbucks didn’t get any shorter, because of the cups! Coffee still tastes like coffee! Some people have to have something to say to feel good about themselves.
Im Jewish and don’t give a shit about red cups. Turn on the news folks and see what Global warming and ISIS is doing and then look at the red cups does it matter.
Okay I don’t go there any way. Coffee is too strong. Tastes nasty! And now all the more reason not to even think about going there. Wouldn’t want hot coffee in the face. You’ve probably lost alot of customers just because you couldn’t stand it anymore and just had to post something so rediculess and stupid
um..we could put a picture of satan on it…thats a christian fictional character…and quite honestly, what would christians do without satan?
I almost wish this wasn’t satire. Dead on balls accurate & funny as hell (or heaven depending on your personal preferences.)
It’s not a mermaid, it’s a Pagan goddess melusine!
not really funny & even less so considering the late timing
Hmmm I don’t do Starbucks
But I liked the red cup enough to go get one.
I guess some people just have so much negative stuff in their life they have to vent on someone
Shake it off as we say Water off a ducks ass … Ass being the operative word
All I got to say Buddy or anyone else that wants to bitch GROW UP
Btw. Happy Honika
Excuse me…I go to Starbucks frequently…I don’t see any outrage. One nut got his nose bent on the internet and it got attention. This is not a national outrage this is a rant by one nut….remember, Liberals are ready to go nuts at any sign of Christmas and large businesses have deep pockets…they can’t afford potential problems
Really RTB, it’s a liberal thing now? Get over yourself. Drop the labels. You’re no better than anyone else no matter what sheep tag you wear. I really enjoyed this laugh. Seems our world is losing it’s sense of humor.
Are you all so dumb as to believe this article by comedian Devon Newson? Good grief, this country fucking sucks.
People people blank Christmas canvas! Use your imagination and draw your own design while your sitting there enjoying your cup.
I can go for blue and silver – this is NOT a Christian nation, the United States recognized no religion as a national religion – that’s what separation of church and state is about – it’s about time the Christians understand that.
@STEVEN AVIRAM
Well it is under the special / comedy section, so one would think :p
Mommamia1, have you tried Paxil, or perhaps another medication to address the anxiety? I hear they have made some remarkable advances with SSRI medications over the last couple of years!
People you are all missing the point… (Let’s not forget what Christmas is…it is the Birthday of Christ…all of you celebrate your birthday don’t you… Im sick and tired of having to be politically correct. Merry CHRISTmas!
This going overboard on both sides. Get a life people.
Go forth so boldly against Isis. See what that gets you. Choose your battles people. With so much venom, spew it out where it matters. I dare you !! Big fish in a small pond. Take all your pent up “whatever” and attack the real enemy. Heck. Take it a step further. Call Satan out. And , yes, I am a true believer. I am just tired of petty crap
This whole cup nonsense started with free publicity for Starbucks and has ended the same. Why we (not excluding myself) all fall into this media bullcrap is so predictable……
@ JOE DOMINGUEZ, if you don’t care, then why the hell are clicking the link AND commenting? A lot of people care. If you don’t then move along. Nobody – not a single human being – cares that you don’t care.
I think this article is brilliant!
Debbie, Christ was born in March. You get 10 Christian demerits for not knowing what IN CHRIST’S NAME, you’re talking about.
I always wondered if it really was a controversy among Starbucks customers or was it orchestrated by the Media to make it seem like people really cared. All we really want is our coffee. Right?