It is scientifically proven that Cleveland boasts some of the most abysmal drivers in the country. Anyone who's attempted to navigate around Northeast Ohio's roads knows that to be true without having to be told, of course, but it's nice to be validated.
And it's not just bad drivers out there. It's also wild drivers. And wild rides. People with a deep hatred for cyclists. Motorists with zero regard for stop signs. After scanning the roads, we've identified 20 types of Cleveland drivers. Unfortunately, you are definitely one of them.
The 20 Kinds of Cleveland Drivers
By Scene Staff on Wed, Jan 10, 2024 at 6:00 am
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The Mega Truck Owner
Meet the king of the road, who is more important than any of you sedan drivers out there, even though his truck won't fit in his garage or a Costco parking spot, the latter being the only time the cab is filled with anything, even if it's just economy sized vats of potato salad and enough paper towels for a year. Oblivious not only to any small children who may be in front of the behemoth, the design also makes it impossible for the man behind the wheel to see how embarrassing his vehicle is.
Scene archives
The All-Weather Driver
Cleveland is blessed with many things, year-round sunshine and good weather aren't two of them. So what do you do when you've got a convertible in Northeast Ohio? You drop that top even in meteorological conditions that necessitate road salt and ice scrapers.
Eric Heisig/X
The Video Game Driver
Who knows where they're going — Target? Daycare pick up? Dunkin? — or why they have to get there in world-record time, but they're zooming in and out of lanes, barreling pedal-to-the-metal to every red light and deploying every tool in their bag to beat the estimated travel time by 30 seconds.
Scene archives
This Guy
Mini car driver, we salute you.
~W~/FlickrCreativeCommons
The Texter
No amount of public safety campaigns, general good sense, or laws can stop them from picking up their cell to read some inane text or scroll TikTok while doing 55 in a 35, putting not only themselves but everyone else at risk.
Scene archives
Dirt Bikers
A marching band of aliens armed with laser guns set on the destruction of the city couldn't instill more fear in most Clevelanders than dirt bikers. They pop wheelies, they occasionally block traffic, and they draw the ire of the region, even from motorcyclists who produce more noise and disregard traffic laws just as often.
Scene
The Bike Lane Driver
Hey, what's that over there? Sure looks like another lane. But why's it so skinny? And why aren't other cars using it? No matter, I'm pretty sure it's built for me and my SUV. Did I just run over a dead animal? Why is there a bike helmet on my windshield?
Scene archives
The Regretful Kia Owner
They simply had no idea what a world of pain they were entering when they scribbled their signature on a contract for that Soul. Now, it's a daily game to see if the car is still in the driveway and their most common passenger is an anti-theft device.
Scene
The Opportunity Corridor Dragracer
No need to head to the Norwalk speedway to
Bratenahl Police Dept.
The Hands at 10 and 2, Going Exactly the Speed Limit Driver
Whether you're a grandmother on the way to church motoring as safely as you can manage or a Black person driving through Bratenahl hoping to not be pulled over for zero good reason, here's to you.
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