If you've ever sat on your couch on a Friday night endlessly swiping on Tinder, Hinge or whatever the dating apps are these days, you'll know that dating is a hellscape. And Cleveland is no exception.
From the "Cleveland Rec Sports Guy" to the "Suburbs Guy," these are the types of men you'll find in Cleveland. They're not all bad, but some of them will make you want to pack up and move to another city.
The Types of Guys You Date in Cleveland
By Scene Staff on Sun, Jan 29, 2023 at 9:56 am
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Will order sour beers for you two at trivia night, and show you pictures of his cat that's named after a Tolkein character. Wears Warby Parker, loves Quentin Tarantino, has an unhealthy obsession with girls with arm sleeve tattoos.
You can spot him because in his dating profile there will be a picture of him in biker shorts, with a bike somewhere on the Towpath. He'll meet you at the restaurant and be pretty sweaty, and he'll meet you back at your place after, in like 30 minutes.
You will schedule your dates around volleyball at Mulberry's and flag football, you're welcome to come watch him play, of course.
He is polyamorous but does not mention it on his profile because he wants to improve his chances. (This one is not Cleveland specific but is rather a scourge of the nation.)
Maybe you meet him at Superelectric for pinball or Tabletop because he’s a board game nerd. Maybe you meet him at Carol and John's Comics cause he’s a comics nerd. Your mileage may vary depending on the model, but the odds of you being mansplained are very high.
He’s going to have a picture of him on his motorcycle on his online dating profile. He’s really into grilling. He has opinions on different types of motorcycles and which brand is the best. (He’s a Harley man and thinks other brands are for wussies.) You’ll know you’re in a proper relationship with him when he starts to refer to you as his “old lady.”
You ordered a kettle-soured beer at Phunkenship and looked up to find this guy at your side. “I wondered who wanted such an interesting brew,” he’ll say. That's not Tinder or Twitter open on his phone, it's Untappd, where he's logging all the beers he just had at the local brewery, the 17th you two have visited in the last two weeks.
Because you first made contact with this guy on a dating app, you won’t realize that he doesn’t just have a lot of tattoos, but he’s literally covered in them except for his face. “And my ass,” he’ll tell you. Then he says he doesn’t like girls with tattoos. He makes fun of your taste in music. After you part ways, he’ll text saying how much he likes you. You don’t respond.
You’re too young and stupid to know better when he approaches you to “play” with him. He seems intelligent and interesting, but pretty soon he’ll be pitching a threesome with his wife, so you should run out of Marble Room screaming.
This guy is from Strongsville or Solon or… one of those suburbs, and he’s into taking visits to the city. He likes the adventure (and maybe a little "danger") that can be found in the city. He seems kind of bland at first, but he’s just a nice guy from a nice Cleveland-area family. You give it a try.
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