In 2013, the number of craft cocktail bars in Cleveland more than doubled thanks to the addition of Society Lounge, Katz Club and Porco Lounge and Tiki Room. Velvet Tango Room turned 17 and the Fairmount finally dropped the “Martini and Wine Bar” descriptor from its moniker. Meanwhile, area restaurants doubled down on craft cocktails, and trends like barrel aging began to take hold.
It’s a golden age in Cleveland for painstakingly prepared cocktails, but whether or not there’s enough demand to sustain it remains to be seen. To a large extent, many locals are still testing the waters. What follows is a list of some who are dipping a toe in the shallow end, all the while yelling at the lifeguard for forcing them to get in the pool.
“Can You Make That with Vodka?” Lady
Saddles up to the bar and orders a classic gin cocktail – hold the gin, please.
Old Fashioned Bro
Arrives wearing a tuxedo T-shirt with six of his closest bros and surprises everyone when he actually knows how to order at a cocktail bar. To his group of bros, Old Fashioned Bro is that kid in gym class who went through puberty two years before everyone else.
Dirty Diaper-Face Friend
Reacts to new flavors like a 3-year-old trying asparagus for the first time. Dirty Diaper-Face Friend has managed to remove the word “yucky” from his or her lexicon but still can’t keep from showing public displeasure after a single sip of Fernet-Branca.
Bar Glass Kleptomaniac Gal
What began innocently enough with coasters and swizzle sticks has escalated into full-on thievery of barware. But please, do keep cramming stuff into your purse – that one copper Moscow Mule mug is really going to be a hit at your next party.
The “Do You Know Who I Am?” Guy at VTR
Cites his position as VP of Vice Presidents at Major Bank as the primary reason why rules should be bent and service should be expedited. In the dim and moody lighting of VTR, no one can read your business card.
Talks about His Drink Too Much Guy
“Did you know that George Dickel Rye is the same thing as Bulleit Rye and Templeton Rye? Hey, wait up! Where are you going?” Guilty as charged.
The Overconfident Free-Pouring Bartender
You’re so good at free pouring that you needn’t measure your drinks, yet you’re compulsively sniffing the cocktail shaker to check your work? Got it. Hold the nose hair garnish, please, and please try not to wave my drink under any of your orifices.
Also, if you’re going to make a Ramos Gin Fizz, don’t let me catch you eyeballing the half and half directly from a wide-mouth carton. And if you do mess it up, don’t let me catch you shrugging afterwards.
“Does That Have Sugar in it?” Lady
Agave nectar and honey are fine, but simple syrup is an absolute no-no. Not sure why? Oh, she’ll explain. Like “Can You Make That With Vodka?” Lady, this customer is extremely particular about a single aspect of her drink but could not care less about the rest.
Over-40 Only Drinks Martinis Guy
Don’t hate. If you came of age knocking back bad whisky sours and cocktails like Sex on the Beach, you’d have strong opinions about olive brine too.
Under-25 Only Drinks Martinis Guy
You’re in business school, ready to show the world that you’ve arrived. You’ve got a pinstriped power suit and you’re counting down the days until that first well-done filet mignon on the company card. It’s dog eat dog out there – in the 1980s.
The Post-Mixology Hipster Bartender
He built a career on hand-crafted cocktails but is now leading the backlash against them just as they’re all the rage in Cleveland. The Post-Mixology Hipster Bartender “just thinks that drinks should be fun, you know?” and has a great idea for a bottled Negroni.
Flubber Panties Lady
Gin makes her mean. She had a bad night with rum. Tequila makes her panties fly off. Flubber Panties Lady assumes no responsibility for her behavior while intoxicated and yet can speak “authoritatively” on broad categories of spirits (based on the bottom-shelf swill she drank in college).
1890s Anachronism Bartender Guy
I appreciate the period garb and facial hair, but are you planning to make me a drink or tie my wife to the train tracks?
Vodka Preference Guy
Walks into a craft cocktail bar and rattles off his 17 favorite vodkas, but orders a Dortmunder Gold upon learning the bar stocks none of them. His palate might be refined enough to assess spirits which are by definition largely odorless and flavorless, but heaven forbid he try the Ohio made OYO vodka – or a cocktail.
Red Bull Guy
Best friends with Vodka Preference Guy and equally as disappointed.
This article appears in Jan 1-7, 2014.
Has Scene turned to Complex or Cosmo magazine?
This is a disappointing article clearly written by an inexperienced and uninformed bystander. An editorial shouldn’t be a forum for recklessly spouting off one’s opinion. What your bartender is doing is their job, we are in the hospitality business after all. The stereotypes that you have embellished in your article are our ‘guests’ and they are how we make a living. A real host or hostess in this industry does not think so little of the people who help pay their bills and believe it or not we enjoy the work that we do. It takes talented, passionate professionals to thrive in this business and Cleveland has some of the best. Ryan even continues to bash the bartenders in this article. What a slap in the face to those of us in this field who have worked for over a decade to improve our craft and the products available to us in Cleveland. Ryan, I’m sure all eyes will be on your behavior next time you step out. I usually only read your articles for a good laugh, this one was just insulting.
*Angry Newspaper Website Comment Guy*
Might I suggest learning to laugh at yourself as a resolution for 2015?
Wow, this feature has everything that is wrong with the internet “journalism” these days. A simple buzzfeed style list that is just a bunch of stereotypes that could have been written by anyone even if they had never been in a bar (at least you didn’t include stock photos for each one, but I am guessing that was a budgetary decision and not artistic ). Then when someone writes a clear argument disagreeing with the content the author decides to take a cheap shot instead of opening up a dialog with the person. Ryan, I would write “might I suggest learning to take criticism and maybe make the comments sections of your stories a place for discussion with the audience?” but you would just call me a troll.
hey irvine. how about you lick my house made bitters, and suck on my hand crafted ice balls you hack. you wouldn’t know a rye even if it had a half pound of corned beef shoved between it. we’re artists, and apparently you don’t “get” art, you troglodyte.
Just a friendly reminder that this is a news blog. In case anyone has forgotten, blogs are the very place where people recklessly spout off their opinions. That’s generally what makes a blog, a blog. If you’re looking for an article about types of people that has all sort of professional references and experts weighing in, you may want to steer clear of a free publication such as Scene.
Holy shit. Cleveland is only one step above Detroit and you asshats feel like you’re inventing the craft cocktail scene. Open you eyes and realize that the movement has passed you by and your fighting about stereotypes and the rest of the country is laughing at you.
My god people….lighten up. It’s a tongue in cheek article making some pretty funny pokes at the very people who are so irate over it. Get over yourselves. I would hate to have some of you “oh so serious” people as my bartender. Thanks for the laughs Ryan. Double thanks for exposing the bartending snobs in this town.
How many of you remember the 1950’s bars in Play House Sq ? The Terrace Room bar the Playhouse Sq bar. + the ones in the other hotels. It was allways jacket & ties for the guys,
Those were the GOOD OLD DAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!
porco is an awful place! these 2 people named the hartnett’s hang out there and try to get people to go there! i think one of them even tries to be a dj-with an ipod! not even real records! it is over priced and once you have been there-no reason to go back-not really a destination!