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Miley grows up, but still not fast enough for all of the law-abiding perverts out there.

Now they’re bringing Michael Jackson’s doctor’s girlfriend into this mess. Can’t we just say he took to many drugs and forget about the whole thing?

John Phillips bones his daughter, giving us more reason to hate the Mamas & Papas.

We haven’t heard any music yet, but we bet a band called the Bombastic Meatbats is gonna blow. —Michael Gallucci

This article appears in Sep 23-29, 2009.