By Steve Buffum
Bill: Welcome to another beautiful evening in New York City from the shrine that is the New Yankee Stadium. Here at TBS, we strive to bring you the best in baseball entertainment, and nothing says “Best” quite like our obsequious fawning.
Ted: You mean, “Being allowed to share a bit of spacetime continuum with the splendor that is the New York Yankees,” right, Bill?
Bill: Right you are, Ted. Here at TBS, we recognize the greatest media market, er, city in the world, the only city that stands out in the entire continent of North America, except maybe Los Angeles, which is pretty good.
Ted: And Boston, I don’t think you can leave Boston out of that calculus, Bill.
Bill: How truthily true that is, Ted. Boston is second-rate, but at least it is not Minnesota, which is theoretically a state of some sort.
Ted: Possibly a Canadian province.
Bill: We’ll get our crack research staff to look into that. In the meantime, let’s take you to the action on the field, where C.C. Sabathia is trying to overcome the stigma of years past, failing in each of his previous post-season appearances to be a New York Yankee.
Ted: That’s not entirely his fault, of course.
Bill: No, he was drafted by one of those Midwestern teams and toiled in obscurity. Thankfully for us, and more importantly for him, he was rescued and is here with us tonight, where he can shine on the biggest stage of them all, a virtual Taj Mahal of baseball stadiums, but nicer.
Ted: Hard to get a good hot dog at the Taj Mahal.
Bill: Especially one made with beef.
Ted: Now, it should be pointed out that Sabathia wasn’t entirely obscure in his previous stop. He did, in fact, win the Cy Young Award in 2007.
Bill: Did he do it for the New York Yankees?
Ted: He did not, Bill.
Bill: Then it hardly matters, does it? In any event, Sabathia gives up a gift double to Denard Span, then … strikes out Joe Mauer! He struck out Joe Mauer! I hope this puts an end to all of that “Mauer for MVP” nonsense the bloggers in their mothers’ basements have been spouting recently. To be the MVP, you have to come up big on the biggest big stage, with biggie bigness and big biggity big.
Ted: Like Derek Jeter, who has singled to open the bottom of the first on the very first pitch he saw. What a big hit!
Bill: Or even Mark Teixeira, who has now advanced Jeter to second base with a productive out. There’s nothing more productive than an MVP candidate first baseman who is producing those productive outs, is there, Ted?
Ted: Well, it’s certainly more productive than Alex Rodriguez, who flies out to end the inning. Rodriguez is probably the worst post-season player of his generation, and also pan-fries puppies in his spare time.
Bill: It is a shame to saddle a player as clutch and as much of a winner as Derek Jeter with such an anchor as Alex Rodriguez there, Ted. To the third we go, where Minnesota has somehow managed to score two runs off Sabathia. Is this is Cleveland past coming back to haunt him?
Ted: I think any time spent in Cleveland is going to haunt you there, Bill. Cleveland is a city of some sort, I think.
Bill: We’ll check with our crack research staff and get back to you there, Ted. So the Yankees come to the plate and … DEREK JETER! TWO-RUN HOMER BY DEREK JETER!
Ted: Wow, Bill, that was clutch.
Bill: That wasn’t just clutch, Ted, that was possibly the most-important homer since Kirk Gibson’s off Dennis Eckersley!
Ted: Again, the Cleveland past: it haunts us all.
Bill: What can you say about Derek Jeter that hasn’t been said before? Nothing, that’s what! So we will say them all again! Jeter! Derek! Bigness! Jeterrific!
Ted: And Alex Rodriguez makes another out.
Bill: Fie on you, Alex Rodriguez! You are garbage!
Ted: A jackanape.
Bill: A rube!
Ted: Has he played in Cleveland?
This article appears in Oct 7-13, 2009.
