Hello, Ladies! I’ll Be in Charge of Your Uterus Now!

I’m so looking forward to taking this exciting journey together

click to enlarge Governor Mike DeWine - Ohio.gov
Governor Mike DeWine

Hello, ladies! Welcome to government control of your uterus. I’ll be your supervisor.

As you may know, the U.S. Supreme Court has taken away your right to an abortion. In many states, there will be no exceptions for incest or rape. Here in Ohio, I signed the heartbeat bill which bans abortion after six weeks, long before most people even know they're pregnant. We may be pro-life – just not your life!

I’ll be the first to admit I may be unsuited for this task. I don’t believe in science. Or public health. Or pretty much any idea conceived after 1958. But I do have extensive experience yelling at pregnant ladies outside Planned Parenthood. By today’s definition of expertise, that practically makes me a doctor!

Let me assure you this wasn’t an easy decision. Did you know that only 32 percent of Americans want abortion to be illegal? Yet through gerrymandering, voter suppression, and that giant participation trophy known as the U.S. Senate – Wyoming gets the same number of seats as California! – we’ve stacked the Supreme Court with frat boys and Catholic fundamentalists. And if Clarence Thomas has his way, states will soon be able to renew bans on contraception and same-sex marriage!

Here’s the funny part: We haven’t even won the popular vote in a presidential election since 2004. Yet we still control your uterus! Isn’t the Constitution wonderful?

At this point you’re probably asking, “Aren’t you guys supposed to be in favor of freedom?” The answer: Yes. Kind of. But it’s important to distinguish between good freedoms – which benefit me – and bad freedoms, which benefit someone else. A good freedom would include the right to stockpile military-grade weapons upon your 18th birthday. A bad one involves any bodily decision without me having final say.

I realize that if men could get pregnant, the morning after pill would be included in a Baconator Combo. But that’s not the point. The point is that men need to feel in charge. And you’re being culturally insensitive when you don’t let us.

The truth is we’re not even pro-life. At least technically speaking. We’re actually quite pro-death when it comes to capital punishment or war or police killings or school shootings or migrants cooking to death in a semi-trailer in Texas. (I tried writing a complete list, but my hand cramped up.) When a million Americans died of Covid, all we did was whine about masks! My body, my choice, LOL!

Yet it’s different when it comes to the life of an unborn baby. Frankly, it’s the one life you can care about that doesn’t ask for anything in return.

But you should know our concern will cease the moment the stork arrives, or however babies are born. In fact, we’ll do our best to make its life miserable! We’ll vote against health care. Child nutrition. Subsidized daycare. Paid family leave. And aid for food and housing. Don’t even think about passing that school levy! If that baby wants to learn, there’s always a seat at the School of Hard Knocks!

In the meantime, enjoy your decision-free life! I’m so looking forward to taking this exciting journey together.

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