Lust 2011: The Survey Results

You sick bastards. Yes, each year we invite a big ol’ ugly mess of trouble when we go public with our Sex & Romance survey.

This year, we served up more questions than ever before — and you served up an unprecedented batch of filth and frivolity in response. Indeed, the false security of the internet brings out the bargain-bin porn star in you like nothing else, dear Cleveland.

What follows are your greatest hits from this year’s survey: enough anal sex and boner talk to make Mom forget all about our regularly scheduled sex ads, at least till next week.

For more sordid results from this year’s survey, stay tuned to clevescene.com and follow our exploits on Facebook.

And now, without further ado, welcome to Lust 2011: The Scene Sex & Romance survey. Get the shower running, good readers. You’re gonna need it …

How often do you think about sex?

• I have been married for almost seven years, so not as much as I use to.

• About 3 or 4 times a week.

• A couple times a day.

• I think about sex every time a hot guy passes me.

• Not so much; about 15 times a day.

• A few times every hour.

• Eight hours a day

• Way too often for polite company.

• Only a few times … per … minute.

• Sixty times a minute.

• 24-7 — I’m a male.

• All the damn time.

• Only when I’m awake.

• What was the question again?

What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done?

• A long time ago, I had sex with three guys in one setting, not all at the same time, but one after another.

• A gang-bang with four guys.

• The wife’s not into it. But there was a short period of time where we had lots of sex, oral and regular.

• An eight-way in the Hollywood Hills overlooking L.A.!! All hot guys!

• I’ve gotten it on with the gearshift in a car.• Anal beads, threesome, and a swinger party where I hooked up with a foursome.

• Ass finger.

• A midget and a trapeze.

• Ass to mouth.

• I’ve been tied to the rafters and left standing on my tippy-toes while being whipped.

• Blowjob under the desk while my boyfriend had a client in the office.

• I fisted my partner from behind while she was tied and I was flogging her.• Devil’s threesome.

• Had sex with toothpaste.

• Held a knife to my lover’s throat at her request.

• Had sex on a picnic table in the Metroparks during the day.

• Hosted an orgy in my backyard … with my former in-laws.

• Laxatives, shower curtain, fluorescent crayons, black light, lobster bib.

• Made a porno with two women who hated each other.

• Tossed the salad of several women at an orgy back in the day.

• Tried to suck my own cock.

• Answered a sex survey.

What’s the kinkiest thing you’d do if the opportunity arose?

• Sex with two women.

• Sex with three women.

• Add another midget.

• Anal while watching Dr. Phil.

• I’d do anything that doesn’t tie me

up and let some psycho cut me

to shreds.

• Double penetration.

• Two men, double penetration.

• Watch and instruct my man and

another woman.

• Fuck my boyfriend in the ass while

he orally pleasures someone else.

• Furries.

• I’d like to tie up my husband while

me and another lady pleasured

him.

• Let my lover peg me with a strap-on.

• Moresomes.

• My guy won’t have sex outside,

and I wish he would.

• Anal.

• Probably anything but anal.

• Anything not feces related.

• Sex at an Indians or Browns game.

• Sex on a motorcycle.

• Sex on the lawn at Blossom during

a concert.

• Sex on the observatory deck of the

Terminal Tower.

• Three-way with gay porn stars.

• Two Words: Moon Doggies. It’s

absolutely critical that the peanut

butter is organic.

With what famous Clevelander would you most like to get it on?

• Anderson Varejao: He’s tall,

sweet, and Brazilian.

• Anne Heche: She’s hot and has beautiful blue eyes.

• Charlie Frye, I suppose.

• Betsy Kling: I love tall, athletically

built women.

• Bob Hope: No explanation needed.

• Elizabeth Kucinich: Her voice and

her hair.

• Franz Welser-Möst: He looks

so good in his perfectly-

tailored suits.

• When I was a kid, I had a crush on

Judd Hambrick.

• Drew Carey: I’m weird.

• Dick Goddard.

• Halle Barry: I’m not bi, but she’s hot.

• Hally Berry: Dressed in the Catwoman suit with those

spiked heels.

• Joe Thomas: He has a nice ass.

• Johnny Hazzard, gay porn star: He’s f’in HOTT!

• LeBron James: So I could tell him how bad he sucks!

• Michael Stanley: That voice, that face!!

• Michael Symon: He’s hot, he can

cook, and he’d probably be wild

in bed.

• Molly Shannon: She knows how to have a good time.

• Moses: Because he was an ass.

• Newscaster Tonya Strong: Why?!?!

Have you seen her thighs/ass?

• Parma Safety Director Greg Baeppler: A hottie since he was Cleveland 2nd District Commander.

• Chrissie Hynde.

• Ashley on Beer Money: A super-

attractive woman that knows

sports? Dreamgirl!

• Peyton Hillis: He is hot, hot, hot.

• Any one of them Cavs Girls:

We don’t go for the game

anymore, right?

• Romona Robinson on WKYC: She

has fantastic lungs.

• Sharon Reed: God I love her

nasty-ass attitude and smokin’-

hot body.

• Todd Meany: Have you seen

Todd Meany?

• Wilma Smith: She is still hot.

• Jen Schefft: MILF.

• Jim Brickman: Talented and

good-looking.

• Wasn’t Jennifer Aniston from C-town?

Are you better or worse in bed than your lover?

• I am better than all my lovers. They love

the fact that I squirt and give great

deep-throat head.

• I’m better — she doesn’t like different positions.

• I’m better. She’s more predictable than the Browns’ offense.

• I don’t know anymore.

• Even though I wouldn’t tell him, I

think he is better.

• Ha-ha. He had me take this quiz

and is right next to me. How should

I answer that?

• Honestly? He’s better. Consecutive

multiple orgasms … yeah, he wins.

• I’m better — I give better oral.

• I’m more interested in sex than my

spouse. My girlfriend suits me fine.

• We’re evenly matched because we

wear each other out.

• I’m a little better, but he works on it. Oh yes he does.

• I’m better, simply because I believe that if it

won’t kill you, then let’s try it.

• I think I’m probably worse. He watches a lot

of porn and may expect some moves I don’t

necessarily have.

• WAAAY better! I’ll try almost anything. She

is picky and certain things hurt. And nothing

freaky — basic things hurt sometimes.

• I’m much better. Her penis is bigger though.

What’s the most important sex-

related lesson you’d like to teach the world?

• Threesomes or open relationships

never work if you truly love your partner.

• Foreplay is a must.

• Be careful.

• Be clean.

• Be faithful.

• Be yourself.

• Bigger is not necessarily better (but it’s nice when you’ve got it).

• Size does matter.

• Diabetes health matters to sexual performance.

• Do anal.

• Don’t eat Panini’s before anal sex.

• Do not back off just at the moment when he can shoot you in the eye. It freaking hurts.

• Don’t be so uptight.

• Pushing on the clit like a doorbell isn’t sexy.

• Let your spouse act on your fantasies.

• Don’t worry about it — the less you want it, the more you’ll get it.

• Don’t worry about what your body

looks like in bed.

• Give what you get.

• Going down on a woman is something you do

gently, softly, and slowly. She will guide you

when it’s time to pick up the pace.

• If she likes you, she likes your body.

• Quit worrying about it.

• If we all had more sex, there would be

a lot less stress and fighting.

• Sex is not the only way to connect to

people.

• It’s OK to have sex! As long as it’s

heterosexual.

• Listen to your partner’s reactions.

• Love is the most important thing

before, after, and during sex.

• Sex is an animal act, not associated

with love.

• Marry someone with the same sex drive.

• Men: Try to be more gentle.

Women: Try to be more firm.

• Never scrape your balls on an

electric fence.

• Not all females are good at giving oral sex.

• Only have one finger for ass, one for vagina. Never use the same in both.

• Protect yourself … I had cervical cancer from hpv.

• Protection equals no babies.

• Pussy is dangerous if not handled properly.

• Talk to your partner about what she wants. Stop doing shit just because you saw it in porn.

• Try everything once, except homo things.

• Being gay is not a choice; we’re born this way. Embrace it and enjoy it, but be safe.

• The girl who everyone thought was a slut is a lot

more fun than the nice girl.

• The obvious places on a woman are not necessarily the best places to touch and kiss.

• Monogamy rocks.

• Use lube.

What is the biggest surprise you’ve ever had while getting

it on?

• Mom walking in.

• Two of her friends came over and joined in (I was married to a bi stripper).

• An unannounced finger in the ass.

• A lover’s foreskin split during an intensely passionate moment. OMG, the blood!

• Chinese delivery 10 minutes before their estimated time.

• Dog licking me.

• Her grandmother standing over me with a knife,

telling me I had better marry her.

• Female ejaculation.

• She brought a gerbil.

• Getting it slipped into my bum.

• Husband came home.

• I actually enjoy anal sex.

• I was about to go down on a chick and smelled the worst thing ever.

• Just how absolutely wonderful an orgasm for an hour can feel.

• Milk from her nipples.

• My first wife kissing her brother’s ex (we were having a threesome).

• My girlfriend shit herself in bed.

• My son mimicking my partner’s screams.

• Really good-looking people can be horrible in bed.

• She asked for anal sex.

• That in my mid-fifties I can still become very moist.

• I cried after an orgasm because I had never had one before.

• That she could deep-throat me.

• The chick was a shemale.

• The size and scope of the wet spot.

• While having a threesome, this other guy’s dick reached his knees.

What’s the oddest random thought you’ve had during sex?

• A candy cane tastes better

than this.

• I wonder if I can get 120 more Justice points tonight so I can buy some new gloves.

• Oh! What time does Scrubs start?!

• I hope I don’t fart.

• Are my dogs going to the bathroom in the house?

• Damn, she has a hairy ass.

• Did I leave the oven on?

• Did I pack the kids’ lunches?

• Fuck — the clothes are in the dryer!

• Her friend is hotter.

• I bet this looks pretty damned silly.

• I wish I had a Twix ice cream bar.

• Why am I sweating so much?

• Will she really turn out like her mother?

• I wish I had two penises.

Is there anything you’d like to confess to a past or present lover?

• Nothing that I want to read in Scene.

• Nope, it’s all good in the bedroom.

• I almost slept with your sister and still want to.

• I didn’t appreciate you when I

had you.

• Dorothy was a lousy lover.

• I faked it.

• I have cheated on you via phone and internet. I am sorry, but I needed affection from someone.

• I have many things I will take to the grave. And I’m OK with that.

• I never gave you head, but now I give it to my husband all the time and love it.

• I should have left my wife for you.

• My ex-husband sucked in bed.

• You cheated on me, and I did the same to you.

• I’m a sex addict and I need help.

• You had a small, strange penis and your cunnilingus fetish was weird.

• How the hell could you cheat on me

with a midget?

• You have the biggest cock I’ve ever seen, and I like it!

• You may have had an enormous dick, but all that confidence made you lazy.

• I should have said goodbye long before I did.

• You waited five years for this and I still had to fake it. Ugh!

• To my ex-fiance: Sorry we never did that threesome.

• I never had orgasms before my current partner. I always faked it. It’s good to be on the other side of that wall.

• When I poked you in the butt, I really did think it was your vagina.

• My girl is way better than any guy I was ever with.

• You drank my spit; I’m sorry. I was

orgasmic and couldn’t control my

mouth when I was on top of you.

• Stevie, you weren’t good.

What do you know now that you wish you’d known earlier?

• That my wife would clam up a bit

when she got a little older.

• All the fun I could have had if I were

less insecure back then.

• I’m actually pretty big.

• A lot of girls don’t like anal.

• Being a virgin really isn’t that bad.

• Blowjobs are not about speed.

• The consequences of being

unfaithful.

• Don’t be a whore.

• Don’t be afraid to tell your partner

what you’re into.

• Don’t get married.

• How much older women enjoy

younger men.

• How to control my breathing.

• How to deep-throat.

• How to find the G spot.

• How to remove a bra.

• I wish I would have known my

biggest girl crush in high school

was a lesbian.

• Not only skinny people can get laid.

• Start off letting her suck my

asshole.

• A man, no matter his age or how

nice he is, will say absolutely anything to get laid.

• Not all black men have big penises, and not all white men have small ones.

• It’s OK to be slutty.

• Men don’t care about all the things us women obsess over.

• Men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love.

• Better understanding of how girl

parts work.

• No unprotected sex until marriage.

• Being comfortable in my sexuality is the sexiest thing a woman can do.

• I married a dud.

• My wife was a whore without letting me in on it.

• Not all relationships can be saved by love.

• There are a lot of people out there — settling down young might not have been the best decision.

• Toys are fun!

• When I was a fumbling teen, we were all fumbling teens.

What is your biggest

sex-related regret?

• Answering a booty call.

• Being a sex slave to my ex.

• Breaking my penis — seriously.

• I broke up with an ex before we did a two-guy threesome.

• Continuing a threesome when I

wasn’t feeling any interest in

the third person.

• Fucking ugly women.

• Getting someone pregnant more

than once.

• I never fucked a guy with a cute foreign accent.

• Having pity sex.

• Maintaining my

virginity as long as I did.

• Getting HIV.

• Getting

pregnant.

• Marrying the first man I had sex with.

• Not having sex with my first love.

• That I didn’t have more sex when I was married.

• Never been with an African woman.

• Not having enough money

for a penile implant.

• Not filming more of it.

• Not fucking a guy’s mother who wanted me to fuck her.

• Using hormonal birth control. I’m

pretty sure it’s made with essence of Satan.

• Not training my husband better when we were young.

• Not trying oral sex earlier.

• Sleeping with a guy who could have been a really good friend.

• Too many partners in college.

• Waiting so long to accept my sexuality and missing out on years of fabulous gay sex.

• Starting too early — at 14.

• Should have started in grade school.

What’s the best way to keep the passion alive?

• Accept your spouse’s flaws, look at the good, and enjoy what you have.

• Remember why you fell in love.

• Stay in shape.

• Allow your partner to have control.

• If he wants to, at least let him try to get you in the mood.

• Don’t forget to brush your teeth and wipe your ass.

• Don’t put yourself in situations where it’s hard to make a good choice.

• The grass is not always greener

on the other side. In fact, that shit is burnt.

• Go out and get dressed up for each other.

• Ladies: Don’t fake orgasms. • Have sex at least once a week.

• Make sure you always kiss, even when you’re mad.

• Never stop flirting.

• No TV in the bedroom.

• Spend lots of time kissing naked.

• Keep an open mind.

• Keep your eyes closed.

What is the best way to you heart on Valentine’s Day?

A big, beautiful bag of Mary Jane … and a ton of chocolates for when I get the munchies.

What’s the craziest place you’ve ever gotten it on?

In the crypt of the Garfield monument.

After sex, have you ever asked how did I end up here?

I don’t drink Jack Daniel’s anymore. Waking up with the Kiss midget is where I draw the line.

What are you most afraid that a partner might think about you?

The usual fears of a woman

who’s had kids.

Send expressions of outrage to:

scene@clevescene.com

This article appears in Feb 9-15, 2011.