Top Trump yesterday unveiled the locations and businesses that’ll be featured in its new Cleveland-version of Monopoly. Some paid, others were voted on, and the roster is about what you would expect. Which is to say it could be better. Here are our suggestions both for properties and some attendant game-play rules that would have made for a more authentic, improved product.

Lake Rd. in Edgewater – $500,000 Neighbors have torn up the sidewalk to prevent anyone from journeying through their community. Lose two turns if you purchase. Credit: Google
Tim Misny’s Billboards Got Crazier and Crazier Attorney Tim Misny is so well known in Cleveland that he decided he didn’t need to tell people what he did anymore. He released new billboards simply featuring pictures of his face up close, with a focus on his eyebrows and other billboards saying simply “you know what I do.” We do Tim, we do. And after going mini-viral on Reddit, a lot of the rest of America does too. Credit: Scene Archives
Driving too fast on Dead Man’s Curve There’s a reason it’s called what it’s called, people. Credit: Scene archives
Tremont – $1.5 million Snag a new townhome if you can afford it but lose two turns after being waylaid by hundreds of participants in the Cupid Undie Run and a six-hour meeting at the block club talking about parking minimums. Credit: Scene Archives
East 99th and St. Clair – $25,000 Score a record deal with the property and collect $5,000 every time you pass the space. Credit: Scene archives
Bratenahl – $3.1 million, plus $200 All Black players must pay a $200 additional fee, as you’ve been pulled over for driving while being a minority. Credit: MLS
Stadium subsidies are never worth it. Credit: Scene Archives
Ohio city resident here. Park at the Westside Market on your night out. First 90 minutes is FREE. Every hour after that is $1. Via SlimySteve8/Reddit Credit: Scene Archives
Cleveland Public Power – $75 plus environmental adjustment fee Current conditions include a 5 mph breeze and service is out. Skip a turn while crews work to reconnect the electric grid. Credit: CPP
Cuyahoga County Jail You go directly to jail as ordered, but understaffing means the jail is red-zoned, with inmates left in their pods for 16 hours at a time. Lose two turns while you wait for someone, anyone to come to your cell. Credit: Tim Evanson
Public Square – $7 A rat steals your lunch but you get a good shot of the Terminal Tower for Instagram. No penalty. Credit: Erik Drost/FlickrCC
Credit: Emanuel Wallace
RITA Pay the bank a random tax rate determined by the highest number shouted by the other players at the table and multiplying that number by five. Credit: Scene Archives
Getting the city of Cleveland to grant an interview Credit: Scene Archives
Little Italy Dinner followed by Presti’s Little Italy has some of the best restaurants in the city and has been a date-night destination forever. A bowl of pasta and red sauce or a pie followed by pastries at Presti’s, which has been around since 1903, is a truly Cleveland experience that hasn’t changed much since your grandparents did it — eexcept maybe the names on a few of the restaurants. Credit: Presti's/Facebook
The Steelyard Walmart 3400 Steelyard Dr. The Steelyard Walmart has been bestowed the title of Worst Walmart in America on multiple occasions for the fact that it’s in a constant state of disarray and for its complete inability to make good choices and live up to its potential. If this sounds familiar, head on over and let it out in literally any aisle. Photo via Scene Archives Credit: Scene Archives
You know thad Discount Drug Mart saves you the run around and you’ll find everything you need Credit: Scene Archives
East 81st Deli Goes Viral October This October, East 81st Deli (8033 Superior Ave.) became a viral sensation due to their chicken salad. Tenisha Godfrey of Cleveland posted a video of herself eating the salad, saying “You get the chicken, the cheese, you get the tomato, onion and the banana peppers, & pickles,” and for whatever reason, the clip got millions and millions and millions of views. Owner Wael Herbawi told Cleveland 19 that the support from the video has been great, with visitors coming from all over the country for the viral chicken salad. Credit: TikTok
Red Line Sorry, there’s single tracking due to maintenance and service has been replaced by shuttle buses. Skip a turn while you wait. Credit: Scene Archives
“Giant Eagle is a quality grocery store” Credit: Scene Archives
Free Stamp 601 East Lakeside Ave., Cleveland A Cleveland landmark, this 70,000 pound statue was designed and fabricated by pop artists Claes Oldenburg and Coosje van Bruggen in 1985. It was originally intended to be mounted in Public Square, but after some controversy over the artwork’s message, the piece was instead stored in an Illinois warehouse. Five years later, the mayor invited Oldenburg and Brugge to choose a new location for their work, and in 1991 Free Stamp was installed in Willard Park, where it sits today. Photo via goingwrong/Instagram Credit: Scene Archives
Med Mart vs. Global Center For Health Innovation Whatever it’s called, it’s pretty useless. Probably better not to refer to it at all. Credit: Scene Archives
Train Avenue – $1,000 You tried to take a shortcut but you hit a pothole the size of the Grand Canyon and blew two tires. On the upside, you befriend a pack of rabid dogs. Credit: Tom Carlson
Cleveland Clinic Row Build a hotel here and pay no property taxes. Credit: Wikipedia
East Cleveland – $0 The police department has sent 25 cars to chase a shoplifting suspect, leading to a 35-car accident closing a major intersection. Free property but a one-turn penalty. Credit: Raymond Wambsgans/FlickrCC

Scene's award-winning newsroom oftentimes collaborates on articles and projects. Stories under this byline are group efforts.