Softball Guy


By Joe Strailey

Summer is here, and one thing that brings every year besides girls in bikinis is Softball.

If you’ve ever gone to watch someone play softball, or play softball yourself, you have surely noticed Softball Guy. There’s almost always one on every team, they’re usually an above average player and ALWAYS make sure you notice them.

Who is he?

Softball Guy usually has more money in his collection of bats than he does in his savings account.

Softball Guy always wears pants. They normally don’t match the current jersey he’s wearing because the pants are for his ‘other team’.

Softball Guy grunts every time he swings his $425 bat.

Softball Guy knows every rule, until he breaks one. Then, he got confused because he’s “in so many other leagues."

Softball Guy is in a great mood, very cheerful, outgoing and smiling. Until he’s losing.

Softball Guy always knows the umpire by name and is his best friend. Until he’s losing or a call doesn’t go his way.

Softball Guy knows where everyone else hits the ball. He knows the distance the ball will travel, the rate of speed and the current batters On Base Percentage and whether or not he was a good athlete in little league.

Softball Guy always has two of everything. Two gloves. Two softballs. Two bats (minimum). Two score books. Two pairs of cleats. Two hats. Two wristbands. You need it? He has it. You make a great play, it was because he let you use his gear. And he won’t let you forget it.

Softball Guy almost always leaves the sleeves to his jersey at home. You can’t restrain those guns.

Softball Guy uses phrases like, “Pick me up”, “Middle’s open”, “Backside” and “On my other team…”.

Softball Guy loves going to the bar after the game. Only if his team won and he had at least two homeruns.

Softball Guy will tell you what bat to use, what you’re doing wrong in the batters box, tell you where to play in the field and what tie you should wear to work on Monday. He knows all.

Softball Guy doesn’t want your advice. He will return your attempt with a dirty look.

Softball Guy has bad games too. But that’s only because he’s tired from playing 11 double headers earlier in the week.

Softball Guy will play for your team any time you need him. He will call off work to get on the diamond.

Softball Guy gives 110%. All the time. Until he screws up. Then he “didn’t want to risk injury, I have a Tournament on Sunday”.

Softball Guy lives to play and plays to live. You’ve seen him. Maybe you’ve been him. Reality is: Summer isn’t the same without him.

About The Author

Vince Grzegorek

Vince Grzegorek has been with Scene since 2007 and editor-in-chief since 2012. He previously worked at Discount Drug Mart and Texas Roadhouse.
Scroll to read more Cleveland Sports articles


Join Cleveland Scene Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.