Big Band Dueling Piano Bar is a place where two musicians, sitting at two pianos, take turns singing songs live. They have hundreds of pop hits memorized and, even better, they take requests and invite audience members on stage to sing and dance. Also, if you tip them well enough, they forget every other request and play your song next. It’s musical capitalism.
We roll up to Big Bang on a Saturday evening, right at the crack of 5 p.m.. Now, the music doesn’t start until 7 p.m., but my friends and I don’t care – we are on a quest to get a table. The Big Bang does offer reserved seating, but that comes with a minimum $150 tab which, while understandable, was more than we were willing to commit to. So, instead, we arrive just as they unlock the doors, and acquire one of the non-reserved tables in the back all for ourselves. We are overjoyed to find that, not only do we have guaranteed seating all night, there also is a food menu. We weren’t sure that they served food because, though their website does provide fascinating apostrophe usage (“The Big Bang is excited to announce its’ newest location has opened…”) it does not list a menu. But there is food, a lot of food, and it is really, really good. We eat all manner of flat breads and cheesy dips and are quite happy.
At 7 p.m. the music starts up, and, since there were only a few folks there, all of our requests are played immediately. More and more people come in, most of them with reservations, most of them with one of the 28 bachelorette parties that occur at the venue every night. Big Bang is a strong bachelorette party choice because where else can you collude with a musician to make your best friend/bride-to-be sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” against her will?
As the night goes on the songs get more and more lively, with waiters hopping up on stage to do dead-on David Lee Roth impressions. And then something happens – “Hang on Sloopy” starts playing and the crowd loses its mind, cheering and whooping, and I do not understand. This is a 1960s pop song. Why do we care? And then everyone starts yell-spelling and the arm shapes begin. O. H. I. O. Everyone is so busy participating that no one will tell me WHAT THE FLIP IS HAPPENING. When the song is over, I demand an explanation. “You know, Ohio State.” I ask what is the correlation between the two, and I am looked at as though I just asked what is the correlation between water and getting wet. I am left to Google it on my own.
This was my first trip to the Flats East Bank and the entire entertainment complex made me a little nostalgic for Chicago: restaurants and bars that are so well-designed they make you wish you had spent more time on your hair; dense, drunken crowds dressed as though they are at peak richness/fertility; long lines of people outside, waiting for their turn to pay a cover charge so they may then go inside and stand on a concrete floor in teetering high heels and drink to forget how much their feet hurt.
I leave before 10 p.m. because the place has become increasingly crowded and, due to my seating position, I am now being constantly jostled by the steady stream of people attempting to find an open space in which to stand. People keep eyeballing our table, silently willing us to leave so they can have our seats. Also, one of the people standing right in front of me kept on farting, which isn’t a bad ploy if you’re trying to free up a table.
Pro-tip: Tipping is everything, so if you want to expose a bar of strangers to both “Whoomp there it is” and “Whoot there it is,” bring those Tubmans.
Rating: 5 out of 5 “Hang on Sloopy”s
This article appears in May 11-17, 2016.
“Hang on Sloopy starts playing…and I do not understand. Why do we care? And then everyone starts yell-spelling and the arm shapes begin. O. H. I. O. When the song is over, I demand an explanation. I ask what is the correlation between the two, and I am looked at as though I just asked what is the correlation between water and getting wet.”
You’ve been here a year…and you haven’t seen this or picked up on this? Maybe you aren’t really as hip, slick, and cool as you think…or are trying to sound. Either you aren’t very bright or you just need to get out more. Hey, it took me a while to catch on, too. Maybe a month, tops.
You’re nostalgic for a Chicago of overdressed fashionistas? Drunken crowds of hipsters and yupsters “at peak richness/fertility” (WTF? ) standing in long, slow lines? And waiting, waiting, waiting to pay ridiculous covers so they can guzzle watered-down, overpriced booze…while drinking to forget how uncomfortable they really are? What’s to miss?
Aren’t you secretly glad to have left that hamster-wheel behind? That’s what you said in your first piece.You’ll seldom find such scenes here. And that’s a GOOD thing. That’s why a lot of people move here. Weren’t you one of them?
So you’re not in Coolville anymore. Didn’t you originally claim how happy you were to have moved to the Slow Lane? Don’t whine about it…admit it… and embrace it….instead of bitching about what you left behind. Either that, or sell your bargain house and go back..
Or are you still trying to be funny?
Chuckles the Clown
I enjoy the tongue-in-cheek humor of these pieces. Some commenters obviously lost their sense of humor somewhere amidst all of their poor writing and worthwhile pissing-in-the-wind-someone-read-my-comments-so-that-I-feel-relevant-again diatribes.
Dana: thank you – even if college sports are obviously not your thing. Chuckles: learn how ellipses work.
Again with the ellipses? Wasn’t it enough to get deleted for impersonating the author last weekend? So you came back with “Ferb Erger”…that’s the best you can do, troll? How the hell old are you, anyway…fifteen?
If she did these “reviews” straight…as a transplant from Chicago who’s writing about some of the places unique to Cleveland…and her reactions to experiencing them as a newbie…hell, there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s actually a cool idea for a series. The non-native’s point of view. Very worthwhile.
But that’s not what we are getting here. Nope, it’s just another snarky, wise-ass, stand-up-comic, patronizing, condescending, I’m-really-too-cool-for-this attitude…so typical of Millennials trying to be humorous. And it’s what this troll mistakenly calls “tongue-in-cheek.” More like “stick-up-the-wazoo.”
And in the end (no pun intended), that’s what really pisses me off about this moronic “series”…from “someone who just moved here”. Is this trip really necessary?
Chuckles the Clown
I am sorry satire and humor are beyond you. I’m sure you are a delightful, old man in person – I feel at ease in this description since it would make sense in how you take an easy generalized swipe at these mythical, and apparently all-encompassing, “Millennials” of yours.
Well personally, I ask about the ellipses because you obviously don’t know how they work: 1) to truncate a quote 2) to imply (and truncate) the continuation of an idea 3) ‘three-dot journalism’. I assume you are trying to be cute with the the third. However, here’s the thing. It’s a shtick that’s too-cool and passe. It was really only successfully utilized by one, two? writers and even then only on a cultish level. The style is really an early form of the “listicle” – both with a specific related structure. Yours, however, has no structure. you use ellipses when commas and dashes will do. You use them like you argue: like a sophomore who has learned a new idea and applies it beyond their capabilities, thinking they’ve learned all they need to (those silly juniors have nothing on you!) Take advice from Hemingway; don’t try to use more and bigger words when fewer and smaller will do. Or in your case, punctuation. Especially when you obviously are ignorant in their use.
As for the rest of your argument; your points aren’t even worth the time to address as everything you say pretty much falls under an ad hominem fallacy. You make no constructive or logical arguments. You are a visceral troll shouting at those “Millennial” kids playing on your lawn. No one cares. But, if you shout loud enough, perhaps one of those “Millennials” will realize their error and realize how wise your righteous indignatious snark is.
“As for the rest of your argument; your points aren’t even worth the time to address”
When you play the “it’s not worth my time” card…you’ve already lost the hand. Shut up and deal.
“everything you say pretty much falls under an ad hominem fallacy”
Attacking the poster and not the post? I’ve already explained why her presentation is flawed. Go back and read it again, troll.
. No one cares? At least one self-righteous asshole obviously does. You. In spades.
“don’t try to use more and bigger words when fewer and smaller will do.”
Maybe you need to listen to your own advice. Methinks this pussy (Ferb Erger, how original) doth protest too much.
Indignatious? As in St. Indignatious? What year did you graduate from there?
As long as these “reviews” continue, so will mine. Get used to them. And thanks for sharing.
Chuckles the Clown
Oh Chuckles….
Your trolling is bad
And you should feel bad.
I feel fine. You are the troll here. And you are now on my IGNORE list.
Chuckles the Clown
Bye, Felicia.
Make up your mind, doofus? Am I a 60-something loser or a twentysomething attention whore? Can you even tell the difference?
Are you even aware that there’s no ignore feature on this site? Can you even take a joke? But it doesn’t matter. Reporting foul-mouth trolls like you usually gets the same result.
You can’t even spell Doctor? This lizard needs to Slytherin under his rock And Lizzardo has two Zs.
Chuckles the Clown
Chuckles…you’re a c*nt. AND you did EXACTLY as I predicted…..you are truly pathetic. LOL
Clownboy,
I believe the Dr. just diagnosed you as a 60-something loser with the emotional maturity and intellect of one of your precious “Millennials”. (Thought I might help since apparently you need a little hand-holding with these complicated subjects).
A whole year, and I’m still here…now more than ever. Deal with it, asswipes.
Chuckles the Clown