It is scientifically proven that Cleveland boasts some of the most abysmal drivers in the country. Anyone who’s attempted to navigate around Northeast Ohio’s roads knows that to be true without having to be told, of course, but it’s nice to be validated.

And it’s not just bad drivers out there. It’s also wild drivers. And wild rides. People with a deep hatred for cyclists. Motorists with zero regard for stop signs. After scanning the roads, we’ve identified 20 types of Cleveland drivers. Unfortunately, you are definitely one of them.

The Mega Truck Owner Meet the king of the road, who is more important than any of you sedan drivers out there, even though his truck won’t fit in his garage or a Costco parking spot, the latter being the only time the cab is filled with anything, even if it’s just economy sized vats of potato salad and enough paper towels for a year. Oblivious not only to any small children who may be in front of the behemoth, the design also makes it impossible for the man behind the wheel to see how embarrassing his vehicle is. Credit: Jstoker421/ Carter Alan Photography/ Wikimedia
The All-Weather Driver Cleveland is blessed with many things, year-round sunshine and good weather aren’t two of them. So what do you do when you’ve got a convertible in Northeast Ohio? You drop that top even in meteorological conditions that necessitate road salt and ice scrapers. Credit: Scene archives
The Video Game Driver Who knows where they’re going — Target? Daycare pick up? Dunkin? — or why they have to get there in world-record time, but they’re zooming in and out of lanes, barreling pedal-to-the-metal to every red light and deploying every tool in their bag to beat the estimated travel time by 30 seconds. Credit: Eric Heisig/X
This Guy Mini car driver, we salute you. Credit: Scene archives
The Texter No amount of public safety campaigns, general good sense, or laws can stop them from picking up their cell to read some inane text or scroll TikTok while doing 55 in a 35, putting not only themselves but everyone else at risk. Credit: ~W~/FlickrCreativeCommons
Dirt Bikers A marching band of aliens armed with laser guns set on the destruction of the city couldn’t instill more fear in most Clevelanders than dirt bikers. They pop wheelies, they occasionally block traffic, and they draw the ire of the region, even from motorcyclists who produce more noise and disregard traffic laws just as often. Credit: Scene archives
The Bike Lane Driver Hey, what’s that over there? Sure looks like another lane. But why’s it so skinny? And why aren’t other cars using it? No matter, I’m pretty sure it’s built for me and my SUV. Did I just run over a dead animal? Why is there a bike helmet on my windshield? Credit: Scene
Car thefts have tripled in Cleveland in 2023 compared to last year Credit: Ryan Krull
@1chief_rocka
The Hands at 10 and 2, Going Exactly the Speed Limit Driver Whether you’re a grandmother on the way to church motoring as safely as you can manage or a Black person driving through Bratenahl hoping to not be pulled over for zero good reason, here’s to you. Credit: Bratenahl Police Dept.
The Left Lane Highway Driver Camping out doing 62 mph in the left lane, they’ll drive you batty enough to consider ditching your car on the side of the highway and walking home. And just wait til they slam on the breaks to try and get four lanes over to exit. Credit: formulanone/FlickrCC
The Super Hero Gig Driver In the dark and dangerous metropolis, only heros like the Dead Pool Uber Driver can conquer evildoers and potholes. Credit: @deadpooluberdriver
The GCRTA reportedly transports between 150,000 and 200,000 riders daily. Credit: Scene Archives
Come on, guys Credit: Ivan Radic/FlickrCC
The Drive-Thru Lover For them, there’s no manner of luxury quite like waiting in a line 25 cars deep for a coffee, even if that line snakes out of a parking lot and into a main street, causing traffic issues for everyone who simply brought some coffee from home for their commute. A 15-minute drive-thru wait? Who imagined such modern convenience. Credit: Google Maps
The Person Still Hoping to Score a Malley’s Bumper Sticker Win Yes, the Malley’s bumper sticker contest is still a thing, with one lucky driver winning $500 in cash every month and others scoring $25 gift certificates. Your time will come, and then you will join the esteemed ranks honored on Malley’s CHOC Club Award list. Credit: Malley's
The Driver Destined for Viral Fame Whether it’s a land yacht, a car without doors, a sedan sporting world-class hydrolics or a lawnmower cruising down a city street, chances are pretty damn good if you’re tooling around Cleveland in a weird ride, someone’s gonna capture you on video and you’ll end up enjoying some local viral fame. Credit: @IMFromCleveland
The Angry Driver Road rage is real, unfortunately, and these drivers will tailgate, holler, honk, curse and generally endanger anyone and everyone around them because, well, they have issues. A recent Forbes survey pegged Ohio as a top 10 state for confrontational drivers, and that feels right. Credit: @pasa / Flickr
The Neighborhood Speed Racer So what if the sign says 25? Whatever input went into setting that limit, this driver knows the rules are not for him. Children, dogs and pedestrians beware, this driver will not be slowing down for you. Credit: Scene archives
The Maga Man He hasn’t taken the Trump stickers or flags or Q-Anon gear off his truck since 2016 and has no plans of doing that now. No sirree! You will not tread on this driver, whose only real regrets in life are that he doesn’t have a bigger truck with more space for MAGA paraphernalia and that he couldn’t find a babysitter so he could make it to the insurrection. Credit: Dan Gaken/FlickrCc

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