Dear Editors of Scene –

What’s up guys! This is Lou “Loogie” Galbencia writing in about something that’s been plaguing me like the plague and my eczema – the totally unprofessional behavior of the Beachland Tavern and their sucky policies towards bands.

As a professional guitarist, vocalist and merch/logo designer for over 30 bands in the last 20 years, I think I have some knowledge about what it takes to perform with all your balls. And it seems like the “Fat Cats” at the Beachland have those balls in their heads, not between their legs. (Where balls normally are.)

My band Fear Trajectory has been rocking asses for the past three months. We have a hybrid sound of KISS, Rammstien, AC/DC and the intro music to any WWE wrestler – in short, anything that pumps up a crowd and makes you feel something electric in your soul…and between your legs (your balls).

If you’ve ever watched those bands play live, you know there is a piece of stage craft that’s a staple to any of their concerts: pyrotechnics. Can you imagine Ace Frehley bringing the hammer down on the first riff of “Rock and Roll All Night And Party Every Day” and NOT see 20-foot flames shoot up to the heavens? Maybe you CAN imagine it, but I don’t want to live in that imaginary world.

Pyros = Rock, and no scientist would disagree. And not to put too fine a point on it, but the “Beach Bums” at the Beachland are NO scientists.

Fear Trajectory was slated to play in a “who’s who” lineup of eight local acts last Tuesday night. It was to be the highly anticipated local kick-off date before a regional tour of bars across Dayton. Instead we were stopped dead in our tracks before we even started.

I knew they were going to make it tough for us when our roadie (my co-worker at the hearing aid factory, Kyle) started setting up our fog machines, laser projectors, and Sparksmaker 5000 cannons on the stage before the show started. Someone from the venue started spouting off baloney about how there “wasn’t room on the stage” and “needing permits for that kind of thing.”

Let me address these issues separately.

First off, we are not stage hogs. I had told all the other bands that night, repeatedly, that if they wanted to make use of our stage effects, to go ahead and go nuts with them. Fear Trajectory believes in sharing with the rest of the music family. In fact, we have shared a drum kit with every band we’ve ever gone on stage with. We’ve never even bought a drum kit — we just ask whomever we’re playing with to let us use theirs. It always works out, because it’s a family, and families don’t want their opening acts to sound like some dumb artsy space opera with no drums.

Secondly, permits? I didn’t know I was talking to a city inspector! (Sarcasm alert! When I initiated a surprise “complaint meeting” later that night in the manager’s office, I didn’t see any city inspector certificates hanging on the wall.) Besides, my ex-brother-in-law was a volunteer fireman, and when I described our stage show to him he said it sounded “fine.” I think he MIGHT know better than a bar manager about fire codes, but what do I know? (Sarcasm again.)

So when we took the stage at 7:30, I figured that we could meet in the middle. As we started in on our opening number (the take-no-prisoners political rocker “SCAMerica”) I had Kyle run onstage holding the Sparksmaker 5000 in his arms — not taking up any of their precious “stage room,” to be clear — and fire a couple rounds of awesome, party-starting sparks into the air.

Now look, I was as surprised as anyone that a ceiling could catch fire that easily. But whose fault is this? If you have an establishment with ceilings THAT low, don’t you think that maybe you would make some effort to make it fire-proof? Since when do sparks start fires? It’s a by-product of fire, not fire!

Well, try telling that to the owners and volunteer firemen who were all over us like stink on poop. (Including my ex-brother-in-law who showed up with the firemen and who VERY conveniently “didn’t ever remember” saying it sounded “fine.” That’s literal family for you. Not even as giving as the music family.)

Short story long, we are now banned from the Beachland. In reality, we gave them a wake-up call about their dangerous facility. They say otherwise.

Please let this be a warning to other bands who are just trying to give the fans their money’s worth stage-show-wise, that this venue will royally screw you over.

Please let this also serve as a wanted ad for a new bassist, since Mikey, Fear Trajectory’s FORMER bassist, effectively quit the band when he called me “an idiot” after the show.

Rock on Cleveland. Love, Loogie.

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This article appears in Nov 20-26, 2013.

17 replies on “The Heart of Rock & Roll Isn’t in Cleveland: An Open Letter About Lame Music Venues That Don’t Like Rock”

  1. Wow. The complete lack of safety and brains. I’m astonished. People like this guy are the exact reason why my performance group and others like it have such a hard time being allowed to perform in the city of Cleveland. We have MANUAL sparks and it’s still an issue. There is a HUGE difference between what we do and pyrotechnics…. but people are scared because of crap like this and great white. The ceilings in the Beachland are not low. Infusion has performed with much lower ceilings and never caused a fire. Him and his fire fighter brother know nothing and I can tell you this from experiencing our constant battle against the Cleveland fire department. I won’t bore you with the details, but he ia very wrong. Oh….and Rammstein plays in GIANT arenas…..and they have pyrotechnicians on site. You do in fact need a license to display pyrotechnics.

  2. If you think pyrotechnics are that big of a deal for some no name band, you are clearly overcompensating. Especially for not-as-big bands, it’s more about the music. And as the person previous mentioned, there are other alternatives to add to your stage show. And I’m glad dumbass knowitalls aren’t able to go playing with explosives they aren’t licensed to use.

  3. First off The Beachland Ballroom has been a staple of rock in Cleveland, The owners & staff run their selfs down to the grown working hard for every single person that books that venue. The stage is low and the curtains and the wood built of the venue are not fitting for a show of that type. You have in proximity to the audience that will be dangerous, Second of all you should send all your specs to your booking manager (If you are a touring band you should have those in set as well as all pieces of gear in the stage for the sound man to be ready in advance) but you have only been rocking asses for 3 months right.. Do you know what the word writer is? As Band Manager is your job to make sure that the venue has what your band needs. Its not the venues job to tell you what you need. That will be in your tech section of your contract (rider)

    Cleveland Fire requires a permit for said performances and a fire watch (A firemen present) To make sure nothing goes wrong and if it does they can go ahead and fix it quickly. You do not have a certificate on your wall either if you just know a volunteer firemen that is not telling you what you need to know.

    Fire laws are different every where (township based) It’s your job to make sure you do everything to keep your band and your fans safe, You want to be treated like a rock star and you have not even earned that status. I have been working with the beachland for 5 years and its my home venue they have been more the fulling in every single request and have accommodated me and my shows to a great degree.

    You talking about my home town and let alone my family (venue) is offensive, Crews like Infusion cary their own techs and do alot of the work based on safety their selfs. They would never put any one in danger and never have. I know because i have seen them.
    You are just a clueless want to be rock head that has no brain or smarts into the order of professional touring and stage managing.

    Bands like KISS, Rammstien & AC/DC carry logistics managers and they coordinate the Pyro technicians as well as stage crew and also make sure every thing has a test run before it goes out on tour Internationally. There is thousands of dollars that it takes to make sure you ensure the safety of the venue.. Also Fire Insurance !! So if you burn down venues and kill people you just gonna be like sorry yo! rock and roll!!

    Really You really need need need a high school diploma and a good chemistry class!

    B

  5. Hats off to the satire boys. I completely missed the “more comedy” link. I never underestimate the potential idiocy of humans. I have known and associated with people that act just like “Loogie”…..very believable. I just hope everyone else catches it eventually too. The safe and the professional have been fighting this fight for awhile…..but the fight isn’t with the venues of course. I’d love to know what the cause/inspiration behind this article was…..

  6. Do you people seriously not realize that this “open letter” is a joke? Are these angry responses for real?! Lol

  8. So you light the place on fire after they told you not to use pyrotechnics and they are the bad guys? And on a side note, you’re using pyrotechnics in a small venue, you deserve being called an idiot. You’re not big time, when you play a gig at the Q or whatever they are calling Nautica these days then you can complain about being shut down. Till then get off your vanity train and realize that your shit does in fact stink just like the rest of us.

  10. You all obviously are too thick headed to realize this was a satirical piece. If you actually thought this was real then you shouldn’t be using the internet.

  11. Brilliantly written, Z! I’m glad the real Loogie’s have taken the time to enlighten us all with their comments.

  14. This was good. I admit that I’m lunkheaded enough on a Friday afternoon to not get it at first. But, hang on, I finally caught up with ya. I’d like to see more of this, just to keep the ol’ neurons sharp.

  17. I second the satire notion. Great, funny piece!

    Since when do sparks start fire? LOL….since forever.

    If you’re really looking for a bassist hit me up!

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