Hey Bubba: Looks like the old lady’s got you doing the famous shake-your-first-loosely-in-a-swing-state thing. Now, that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself. But Toledo, Canton, Steubenville, Marietta — these just aren’t locales built for a man that’s talked boobs over shark fin soup with Gorbachev and Mandela at Spielberg’s villa in St. Tropez. No wonder you’re getting testy. That’s why you need to steer the old motorcade toward overcast Cleveland, a city after your own heart: slightly overweight and the butt of cheap, decades-old jokes. And to lure you, we’ve written up a full night’s itinerary—dinner, drinks and dancing. Just go ahead and give this to your chauffeur. And when you see us in the club, don’t be afraid to say hello. Your secret is safe with us. …
This article appears in Feb 13-19, 2008.