Scene: A meeting of the Ashtabula County Oath Keepers. The basement man cave of Commander Ronnie Jenkins, Kelloggsville, Ohio.
Commander Ronnie: “Okay, men, I’d like to open with a few housekeeping matters sent down from headquarters. [Pauses to read.] Oooo, this is awkward. [Pauses to read again, a look of puzzlement crossing his face.] It says here we’re supposed to root against the U.S. Olympic team. [Laughter erupts.]
Sergeant-in-Arms Jerry: “Good one, Ronnie. But let’s dispense with the jokes and get to it. Women’s archery is on CNBC tonight.”
Ronnie: “Boys, I’m serious. This is coming directly from our Commander-in-Chief, President Donald J. Trump.”
Vice-Commander Lou: [Raising his hand.] “Don’t that seem kind of unAmerican? Especially with us being the ultimate patriots and all?”
Commander Ronnie: “Nope, says right here that at a rally in Phoenix Trump told the crowd to boo the women’s soccer team. Seems they’re for equal pay and kneeling for the National Anthem, which makes them woke.”
Lou: “I get the kneeling part, Ronnie. But I wouldn’t mind some of that myself equal pay myself.”
Supply Sergeant Mel: “Aren’t we in favor of meritocracy? Seeing as the women are way better than the men, shouldn’t they actually get paid more?”
Commander Ronnie: “I don’t make the rules, men. We swore an oath to the Commander-in-Chief and—
Second Lieutenant Herb: “Point of order, if I may. Since we ain’t real military, and Trump ain’t the real president, that makes the chain of command mostly pretend. I say we blow off the soccer thing.”
Men in unison: “Huzzah!”
Mel: “Ronnie, I think what the men are trying to say is that while Trump’s a great president and all…
Jerry: “Greatest ever.”
Mel: “…he ain’t exactly the athletic type. It’s kind of like listening to a tax lawyer on what kind of snowblower to buy.”
Ronnie: “That ain’t the point, men. Women’s soccer hates America. Which means we hate women’s soccer. End of story. And we also hate Simone Biles.” [Outrage and disbelief.]
Lou: “Are friggin’ kidding me? What? Do we hate hunting dogs and baby Jesus too?”
Commander Emeritus Burt: “I’m pretty sure that back when America was great, we didn’t pick fights with four-foot-eight ladies.”
Ronnie: “Nope. Says right here that Texas Deputy Attorney General Aaron Reitz called her ‘a selfish, childish, national embarrassment.’”
Herb: “Point of order again: Doesn’t it feel like this Reitz is denigrating others to mask some deep-seated male insecurities?”
Ronnie: “Nope. You also got Charlie Kirk, head of Turning Point USA, calling her a ‘selfish sociopath’ and a ‘shame to the country.’ Says we’re ‘raising a generation of weak people.’”
Jerry: “What’s a Turning Point USA?”
Ronnie: “It’s the Republican Party’s JV team. The young’uns hoping to make varsity someday.”
Mel: “I don’t know, Ronnie. All this outrage is starting to feel a little… What’s that word?”
Herb: “Derivative.”
Mel: “Yeah, derivative. People are starting to think we’re the Foo Fighters of the armed militia movement. Like we don’t have any fresh material.”
Ronnie: “Don’t shoot the messenger, boys. Says here we’re also against the men’s basketball team. For being woke and against racial inequality. That’s directly from Grant Stinchfield, a host at Newsmax.”
Burt: “Christ on a cracker, Ronnie. The man wears makeup for a living.”
Ronnie: “He says he was happy when we lost to France.” [Angry noises.]
Jerry: “Really, Ronnie? We’re rooting for France now?”
Ronnie: “I know it sounds what you call your counterintuitive, but it appears we now got an oath to France.”
Jerry: [Angrily] “Am I gonna need a man-bun?”
Ronnie: “Well—”
Lou: “Is France gonna provide us with the purses? Or do they expect us to buy our own?” [Cackling.]
Ronnie: “Now don’t blame me. I’m just—”
Mel: “Hey, look everyone! Allyson Felix is on!”
Lou: “She got the most radiant smile.”
Herb: “They don’t make smiles like that in France.”
Ronnie: “Boys?”
Jerry: “Here’s a question, men: If your son was to marry, who would you want him marrying most? Allyson, Simone, or Megan Rapinoe?”
Ronnie: “Boys? …Boys?”
This article appears in Jul 28 – Aug 10, 2021.