Are you curious why someone might be vehemently against wearing a mask at Costco? Let me educate you on the simple yet compelling reasons behind my choice.
1. Because I’m a patriot. Only the kind who won’t make the smallest sacrifice for his country.
2. Me and the boys already spent a morning with our AR-15s guarding the reopening of Vic’s Barbershop last month. I’ve done my duty.
3. Besides, I’d be in the National Guard right now if I could only pass the sit-up test.
4. Tell me where in the Constitution it says you need a mask to buy a 32-pack of testosterone booster.
5. Who knows more about global contagions? Some Deep State epidemiologist? Or a guy who once got a C+ in high school biology?
6. Because being oppressed at Costco is worth 10 points in the competitive victim league we started at work.
7. It’s called owning the libs.
8. Did I mention that Vic caught the Covid? Who’s going to cut my goddamned hair now?
9. Ninety-thousand dead doesn’t mean it still couldn’t be a hoax.
10. Tucker Carlson says masks turn you gay.
11. You know what else turns you gay? Hand sanitizer.
12. This may be a little off-topic, but do you think your sister would go out with me?
13. One word: Barack Hussein Obama.
14. One more word: Crisis actors. Funded by Dr. Amy Acton.
15. Yeah, I’ve been on a dry spell lately. What’s it to you? A lot of guys go eight years without a date.
16. Next thing you know, the Nanny State won’t even let you bring an assault rifle to a middle school dance recital.
17. Was Robert E. Lee wearing a mask when he threw off the yoke of tyranny at Gettysburg? I didn’t think so.
18. Can you tell your sister I’m in the management training program at Rally’s?
19. You’d be surprised how hard it is to find a mask that properly accents a desert camo ensemble.
20. I wouldn’t admit it publicly, but Dr. Amy’s kind of hot.
21. Truth be told, “Give me liberty or give me a 62-ounce jar of M&M’s” is a harder decision than you think. But I’m still not wearing one.
22. It’s a moot point anyway. My mom won’t let me use her car until I finish my chores.
23. Because wearing a mask is like telling the world, “Let’s pound some White Claws and binge watch The Mindy Project.”
24. You know who else refused to wear one? Our lord and savior Jesus H. Christ, that’s who.
25. Maybe I should try one of those Russian bride sites.
26. Because Freedom, etc., etc.
27. They will only take my gun when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.
28. Christ, Mom, will you shut up about the chores?
29. I already told you: I DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH TO COVER MY HALF OF THE CABLE BILL THIS MONTH!
30. I heard Anthony Fauci hangs out at the same bars as Colin Kaepernick.
31. But what about Benghazi?
32. You sister says no? Is that a hard no or is she just playing hard to get?
33. What if I paid her for just one date. But she’d have to promise to post the photos on Facebook so my buddies could see.
34. I’d totally win Celebrity Survivor if it wasn’t for my allergies.
35. Jesus, have you seen what they charge at these Russian bride sites?
This article appears in May 20-26, 2020.
I think the writer is anti-gun, which is o.k. with me.
However, I still rather have both firearms and face masks.
I bought N-95 face masks at the Cuyahoga County Gun Show.
They came in Pandemic Flu Preparedness Kit along with a pandemic information sheet, surgical masks and hand sanitizer.
I bought these at the Cuyahoga County Gun Show a long time before COVID-19 emerged.
Perhaps, if others had attended the Cuyahoga County Gun Show, they could have also been better prepared for the COVID-19 pandemic, because you can buy a lot more at the Cuyahoga County Gun Show than just guns (e.g., survival equipment, survival food, emergency medical kits, etc.).
But if the writer really thinks that pro-Second Amendment Americans reject the notion of wearing face masks to protect themselves from COVID-19, he has the right to be wrong.
36. I’m a flaming a-hole.
37. I don’t care if I get it or if I spread it.
38. Minimal self-sacrifice for the good of all is b.s.
39. We would have won WWII faster if we hadn’t had that stupid rationing.
40. It’s all about me.
Aside from Corona, some people should wear a mask because they are just plain ugly!
shows anyone can be a journalist…………..
Maybe junior high school level satire and writing skills required to come up with such drivel, but not a lot more than that.
And you want people to give you money to support this level of writing?
Ok, do you have change for a dime?
Number 12 is wrong. It should be: This may be a little off-topic, but do you think MY sister would go out with me?
That’s the type of brain damaged, selfish moron that refuses to wear a mask during a pandemic because freedumb and ‘Murica.
I can’t believe that anyone with half a brain, any education or any common sense would write such nonsense.
I wish all these know it all’s would tell us what’s going to happen with this virus next week, next month etc,,,, some expect doctors to know everything about this new virus they should never have to change policy or procedures, or never put them in place from the start. Well you know it all’s, follow the guy holding the sign,,,hope it works out for you
More Gaslighting from a litigating retard to other retards.
Nothing worse than self-entitled, low information, millennials shaming people into blindly following corrupt authorities.
There are some reasons against wearing a single layer cloth mask to fight against corona but this makes light of that in order to reinforce the directives of the msm rather than address the issues honestly.
This article also shows that masks are partisan. Apparently wearing or not wearing one is tied to your political affiliation, gun rights,
Blindly following corrupt authorities,,,,,,,,your more than able to follow the “expert” holding the sign,, looks like he knows everything. Don’t forget your Clorox injection,,,
Keep up the good work!
Why don’t these people just go buy a cloth mask from the Kim Kardashian line of cloth masks?
I’d rather inject clorox than be a brainwashed covidiot.
Fuck I hate these writers. I support wearing a mask but these scene writers are insufferable.
Well we see have no replies except childish responses. Are you the one holding the sign? Or maybe batgirl from the other article or husband and wife,,,dumb and dumber,,,,
How,,,,many,,,,accounts,,,,,will,,,,,artfull,,,,,dodger,,,,,make,,,,while,,,,never,,,,making,,,a,,,solitary,,,,point,,,,or,,,making,,,,one,,,,person,,,,,laugh???,,,,,,
HEY PETE, STEPHEN COLBERT IS HOLDING TRYOUTS FOR GAG WRITERS…INTERESTED?
But I gotta tell ya, you’ll never make the cut. Because you stink.
Each lame attempt SCENE runs here is worse than the one before.
Is it that you’re trying too hard, or do you just plain suck?
Don’t quit that day job, Pete. You’re even worse than Mike Polk.
Like your making reasonably points,,,no one here really cares what you do, your the only one that agrees with your posts,,thus the multiple log in names,,,, my point is simple, do what you feel is best for you,,,I will do what I think is best for me.
I don’t try to grab attention by posting nonsense posts about 5g, Bill Gates, bike lanes, airplane contrails, Bill and Hillary hunting humans, some kind of microchip in the vaccine,,,,,
Your just a paranoid person,,I’m actually starting to feel sorry for you. You think people laugh with you when actually there laughing at you,,,,,sad
“What are you talking about” is the commenter “artfuldodger2” and “artfuldodger”. Now thats hilarious.
Because I said that Pete sucks,”What are you talking about” thinks I’m that Lone Wingnut who’s posting nonsense posts, 24/7, about 5g, Bill Gates, bike lanes, airplane contrails, Bill and Hillary hunting humans, some kind of microchip in the vaccine? Seriously? What a shmuck!
The writer makes some good points, and I agree with Pete about many of them,but his snarks about the Open America crowd and all protesting covidiots are lame and unfunny. Unless you’re writing for some high school or college or post-college rag, or mag.
He tries too hard to get the chuckles. All of his recent pieces have been the same way. I guess he’s doing his damnedest to get back on the SCENE freelance roster.
They gave him a shot and threw him a pass and he caught it and ran with it. But then he tripped overhis own feet and dropped the ball. Okay Pete, you’ve had your shots. Now go away.
Give it up. You’ll never be another Mike Polk. Which is actually a good thing.
Actually I know who the lone wingnuts is here,,,but if you have some insecurity issues I cant help that,,,,you just happened to be the comment directly above mine, my comment wasn’t posted towards you,,, sorry for your confusion.
The lone wingnuts got the message,,,,
I personally think it’s hilarious, not because the writing is great but because you can tell it really gets to these Open Ohio morons.
Most, if not all of them probably struggled to graduate and now think they know better than people with PHDs because their favorite idiot talking head on Faux News or InfoTards told them it’s a scam meant to take away their rights.
How many of these people are the same dummies who were crowing to high heaven in the early days of the pandemic about military occupation, forced vaccination and 5G?
No matter how many times they’re conclusively proven to be the wrongest of the wrong and the dumbest of the dumb, it never seems to register. Hey, tell us more about the microchipped vaccines the military will soon be forcing on us door to door, jackasses.
To all the people posting to protest the article, how stupid can you people possibly be? The more you post in the comments and the more you click on the page and get your similarly minded idiot friends to click on the page, the better this writers editors and other assorted bosses think he’s doing at his job, which is writing something that gets a reaction out of people- any kind of reaction.
If you can’t even figure that much out for yourself, shut your mouth and stop pasting your ignorant opinion about the virus all over the internet, because you aren’t qualified or educated enough to have one.
Can you please explain the part about “knowing who the lone wingnuts are” because that’s some really mind blowing shit.
Rubes? SOMEBODY needs to clue in some of these writers, hence the reply. Not for their content, which is often admirable, but for their lame and pathetic writing style. They write as though the SCENE is a college humor magazine, not an urban alt-weekly that has become a vital online daily.
The readership is an adult audience, and some of them even intelligent. Why don’t you complain about why the freelancers and new hires don’t up their game and start writing for an adult audience, instead of tryong to do online stand-up? Are the editors that desperate, that they need to scrape the bottom of the pond for half-assed freelancers?
You don’t think Pete and others like him read the comments? More importantly, you don’t think his editors and bosses read them? Sure they want clicks and eyeballs, and they want reactions from readers…but do you really think they want overwhelmingly negative reactions?
If enough people tell you you’re drunk, it’s time to lie down. If enough people tell you that the job you’re doing sucks, your bosses are going to take action. Others before Pete have gone down this same road. They thought they were hip and slick and funny and clever. They are no longer here. There are plenty more where they came from. Online college-level National Lampoon-style humor is not why folks come here.
As for the trolls and morons and racists and haters, and the tinfoil hat conspiracy crackpots,…that’s another story entirely. They are the ants in the kitchen. It’s up to the powers-that-be to decide when to call the Orkin Man. Shoulda been done long ago, but it’s not my house.
This type of wannabe-John Oliver article just cows the masses into submission. Put on a mask. Stay home. Let us track you with an app. Every new “emergency” erodes our constitutional rights more and more.
Fellow Americans have the right to gather and protest – unmasked or not. If you don’t want to be there, stay home. If someone isn’t wearing a mask in Costco… uh, walk away from them? If you or someone in your household has a pre-existing condition then stay home. Simple. Use good hygiene and get delivery.
Speaking of losing our rights, YT is censoring all kinds of COVID content. Do you ever think your opinions about this pandemic are being shaped by the information you consume? Including information like this satirical “article” above? Put on your critical thinking hats, kids.
My wife loves John Oliver. I think he’s a royal pain in he ass. Can’t stand that whiny British voice and humor, and he curses too damn much.Every other word is fuck. Big fucking deal. Not amused. This satirical POS was not amusing, either. Waste of space and keystrokes.
This virus is some serious shit, almost like a wartime emergency. Constitutional rights, including the right of assembly, take a back seat when we’re in emergency and crisis situations, such as in wartime. Ask anyone of Japanese descent what happened to their ancestors on the West Coast in 1942. If you don’t know anybody who can tell you the story, look it up.
I’d rather lose a few freedoms than lose my life. A few restrictions are preferable to spending two weeks (or less) wheezing to death. I don’t have to put on a critical thinking cap…I am old and compromised, so I already know the drill and what I have to do…stay in and slowly go nuts. But I’m not going to put on a tinfoil hat, either, and entertain thoughts about submission and tracking and thought control. Plenty of other things to obsess about.
There was no “information” in this silly piece…it was just a futile attempt at humor…like a sophomoric underclassman trying to be hilarious while writing for his college humor rag. And in the grand scheme of things, “On My Cold , Dead Face” has about as much relevance or importance.
Protest: Stupids acting stupidly for what might be the last time, you have the right under the U.S. Constitution not to exercise any or all of your fundamental constitutional rights.
However, you posted a bad example by implying that U.S. Government’s imprisoning Japanese-Americans in U.S. concentration camps under Executive Order 9066 is a good reason why Americans should accept the State of Ohio’s serious infringement on Ohioan’ fundamental constitutional rights, which includes the Fourteenth’s Amendment Due Process Clause, which prohibits the State of Ohio from depriving any Ohioan of life, liberty, or property without due process of law.
The State of Ohio is not the Federal Government and does not have emergency wartime power, which is irrelevant anyway, since Ohio is not actually at war, and has not officially declared one. Also, the U.S. Supreme Court, the Federal Government, and constitutional law scholars agree that cases, like Korematsu v. the United States., and Yasui v. the United States., which upheld the Federal Government’s racial discrimination against Japanese-Americans during World War II,, were wrongly decided, like Plessy v. Ferguson was. What you haven’t acknowledged is the fact that most people who get Covid-19 only get mild symptoms, and 35 percent of those people are asymptomatic with no symptoms whatsoever– thus, the State of Ohio’s infringement of all Ohio citizens is unconstitutionally overbroad and not narrowly tailored.
If the strict scrutiny standard of judicial review is applied, as it is supposed to be whenever a state infringes on a fundamental constitutional right, the State of Ohio’s infringement of all Ohioans fundamental constitutional rights will most likely be ruled unconstitutional.
You seem willing to give up your constitutional freedoms.
However, Ohioans who do not want to give up their constitutional freedoms are not stupid for exercising their First Amendment right to protest the State of Ohio’s infringement of their fundamental constitutional rights as your chosen screen name suggests.
Hey, what’s a hundred thousand dead, right? Or two hundred thousand? Or a million? Just numbers, right? As long as YOU are “free” to go to the mall and the chain restaurant and to party on the bar patio with your pals until you puke? Hey, it’s not lives, or health, it’s the economy, stupid, and dying so the Dow goes up and your do-nothing Orange Savior gets to keep his title.
And it’s such fun parading around with your guns and your camo and being an American Hee-row, ain’t it? Gonna show them Commie tryrants! Or wait, arent’they Nazis? Whatever, dude. Gimme another brew. Protest makes me thirsty.
Thanks for sharing.
Hey, Shikaka Seven: if I’m not mistaken, didn’t Grandpa Dewine declare a state of emergency in mid-March? Giving him the power to suspend certain “freedoms” in Ohio.? That changes the whole complexion of this ballgame. Governors in other states have done the same thing…some more severe and some less, depending on the state.
And wasn’t there been a national emergency declared by the Exalted Orange Dear Leader at about the same time? Sorry about the “infringement” of all those “rights”…wonder how many fewer dead there would be if it had been done two weeks earlier?
The same restrictions were put into place during the 1918 flu pandemic, but only after hundreds of thousands of Americans had died. If nothing had been done and you had kept your sacred right to party, perhaps two million would die this time around. But hey, who cares, as long as you can keep your “liberty” and “freedom”. ..right? Yes, extremely right.
Just how free do you really think you are? You are tracked everywhere by your phone and cameras, you give up your “rights” every time you board a plane, and you even have to wear shoes and a shirt when you eat out at a restaurant. Your freedom to cough and sneeze ends where my fae mask begins.
Hey, Robbin’ in seven ‘hoods. Are you unaware that the U.S. Constitution is the supreme law of the land? This means that Ohio Mike DeWine does not have the authority to infringe on all Ohioans’ fundamental constitutional rights because of his fears of Covid-19 when he does so in violation of the U.S. Constitution, which is why a court has already ruled against his infringement of the fundamental constitutional rights against Ohio gym owners. You seem to consent to the State of Ohio infringing on your fundamental constitutional rights. A lot of Ohioans do not consent. At least they want to protect their fundamental constitutional rights. This is a good thing, and it is also why DeWine did not go as far as to try to infringe on Ohio churches conducting religious services. This was a proverbial bridge too far than DeWine knew he was overstepping his authority as Ohio governor.
You get in my face, and that may happen a lot sooner than you expect.
Speaking of declaring states of emergencies….Interestingly, the Capitol Insider reported that last year when DeWine made his first budget… he submitted a proposal to limit Acton’s powers in such an emergency. Huh? Why?
Oh yeah, but instead he’d give himself more power in a health emergency over moving state funds around. See that? It’s not about saving lives. It’s about the moolah. There’s ALWAYS another angle.
These proposals were not put into law (not sure why – maybe the House/Senate felt it was an overreach of the Executive branch of our state govt?) but I just find it extremely ironic considering what is going on now….
Here’s the except from the Capital Insider article:
**Capitol Insider: Last year, DeWine wanted Householder to revamp Ohio health director’s powers**
“In early 2019, the new governor proposed several changes in Ohio law about health emergencies when he rolled out his first state budget.
The House, led by first-year Speaker Householder, removed them all.
DeWine proposed that emergency health orders expire either in 30 days or “when the General Assembly suspends the operation of the executive order by adopting a concurrent resolution.”
DeWine proposed that if the legislature acted, the governor could not renew the order, even if the emergency still existed.
Other parts of DeWine’s 2019 proposal would have given the governor broad powers during an emergency, allowing him to:
1. Use any available resources of state government or political subdivisions as necessary.
2. Order the director of the Office of Budget and Management to transfer cash from any fund not otherwise restricted to assist in emergency efforts.
3. Limit, alter, or suspend (except as provided under federal law) any provisions of a collective-bargaining agreement or transfer state-agency personnel or functions for the purpose of facilitating emergency services.”
Gloria…WTF does that even MEAN? Which side are you on?
This is funny stuff! I know good comedy even though I can’t write it or perform it. I save my comedy stuff for my day job as a lawyer. For all you who have never heard of it, this is called “satire.” Sheesh!
No, it’s not. It’s lame. Mike Polk stuff. He’s not funny, either.