Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: I'm Curious About Opening Up My Relationship But Worry What My Partner Will Think

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Dear Matt,
I’ve been in a long-term, monogamous relationship with my partner, and for the most part, it’s been really fulfilling. I think we have a strong foundation of trust and talk often about our feelings, but lately, I’ve found myself feeling curious about other people. Our sex life is pretty decent, some of the best sex I have had with a partner. I’ve been reading about polyamory and it resonates with me in ways I didn’t expect, and this freaks me out.

Here’s where it gets complicated: I have a history of being cheated on in past relationships, which left me with a lot of trust issues that I’ve worked hard to heal. My partner knows about this, and they’ve been incredibly supportive of my journey in therapy and learning to be vulnerable again. That’s part of why I’m so scared to bring this up. What if he sees my curiosity as a sign that I’m unhappy or that I don’t like being intimate with him?

At the same time, I can’t ignore these feelings, and I don’t want to bury them or let them fester into resentment. How can I approach this conversation with love given both my past wounds and my partner’s trust in me? How do I even know if this is a passing curiosity or something I truly want to explore?

Signed,
CC

Hey CC! Thanks for submitting this question. When I first received it, I was excited because I finally get to talk about the wildly misunderstood world of polyamory. I also thought about how rough this situation must be for you. Being in a relationship comes with its fair share of ups and downs, but adding in a history of having your trust shattered by previous partners can lead to locking yourself up, making anyone question stepping outside of what is considered “normal” when it comes to relationships. I am going to make some assumptions here based on your post. It seems to me like you are a cisgender, heterosexual woman. If I am mistaken here, I apologize. Why this is important is because heterosexual individuals can be held to more traditional standards of relationships, which can be an added layer here that I think is important to acknowledge. This is tough, CC, and I’m not just talking about deciding what show to start when you are lounging on your couch after an exhausting day at work tough (always choose Happy Endings, by the way), but more so life-altering tough.

Before I continue, let’s talk a little bit about terminology. Polyamory, Consensual Non-Monogamy, and Ethical Non-Monogamy are all appropriate ways of labeling relationships that do not fall into the exclusive structure of monogamy. Some specialists like myself have learned that not only is polyamory a type of relationship structure (i.e., when a person can have multiple deep, romantic connections with others), but it can also be used as an umbrella term to describe any non-monogamous relationship dynamic. For example, I can identify as poly, even if I solely engage in swinging. Isn’t terminology fun?! Anyway, this is important because part of this journey for you is going to be about shedding your monogamous lens and forming a new poly one. Research shows that more and more people are engaging in polyamorous relationships. While the commonly cited percentage is around 4-5% of people who consider themselves polyamorous, my belief is that this is a conservative estimate. The poly community is growing, and the fact that you may want to be a part of it does not shock me whatsoever.

Before we talk about how to have the conversation, I want to tackle your second question: How do I even know if this is a passing curiosity or something I truly want to explore? What a great question. I wish I could give you a concrete answer, but I can’t. Remember, I’m a therapist. We LOVE giving non-answers to people. But this is truly too nuanced to answer. So, what if it is a passing curiosity? For me, I question why we live in a world where we are afraid to bring up vulnerable topics with a long-term partner. As humans, we are constantly evolving. So why wouldn’t our relationship? I remember having your same curiosity when I started my own journey into the world of polyamory. The best place to start answering this question would be to find your “anchor.”

An “anchor” is your reason for wanting to shed your monogamous lens and explore polyamory. I did not come up with this brilliant terminology myself, but borrowed it from the phenomenal Lola Phoenix, the author of The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy and the host of the Non-Monogamy Help podcast. If you are looking for more resources and a place to start, this would be a great starting point. Your anchor is going to be the grounding force that answers all of your questions when you run into obstacles. When you feel like you are adrift in a sea filled with shame, misinformation, and guilt, your anchor is what you hold onto to help navigate the troubled waters. I hope that analogy landed. I recently acquired a boat, so I feel as though I should become an expert in water-based analogies. You are the captain of your life. You owe it to yourself to steer the ship in whatever direction you see fit. Okay, I’m done with the analogies.

Once you know your anchor and have done some reflection, it may be time for you to sit your partner down and have a conversation. First, it is awful to hear that you have been cheated on in the past. Those people suck and don’t deserve you, period! Thankfully, it sounds like you have done some healing work in therapy to get you to a place where you can even consider this. You should be very proud of yourself. When starting this conversation, make sure you speak from your anchor and do your best to use “I” statements (a therapist’s favorite 😊). You can’t control whether your partner takes it personally or not. Providing validation throughout can be helpful. I tell my clients all of the time to “cash in” on the trust they have built in their relationship. This means using that established trust as a foundation for deeper connection and growth. This is not the only conversation you two will be having on this topic, so don’t feel the need to rush through it.

I know this may be scary, but what’s that common adage? “If change was easy, everyone would do it.” You are about to head down a new road in your life, and personally, I am excited for you. If you want more resources, feel free to check out this link for a list of books that may be helpful. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a poly-affirming relationship therapist as well, as they can continue to be a guide for you on this journey. If you end up having the conversation, I would love to hear how it went. Until then, just know that you have someone out there who is cheering for you.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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