Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup, Because I Feel Awful

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Hey Matt. I recently went through a breakup and it’s been pretty devastating to me. I am struggling with how to move on and I just can’t seem to get over this grief. A friend told me about the “breakup rule” where it takes half to the time of the relationship to get over someone. This doesn’t seem legit, but I am struggling here. Is this true? How long are these feelings going to last?

– Jennifer

Hey Jennifer! Sorry to hear about your breakup. I have been the breakup-ee (is that a word?) and the breakup-er (that’s definitely not a word), and every time, the feelings have been intense. Not only sadness and grief, but sometimes relief and, eventually, acceptance. I’ve been rewatching Sex and the City for the 100th time, and I just came across the episode where Charlotte mentions the “breakup rule” in response to Carrie wondering how long it will take her to move on from Big. It got me thinking about the unspoken rules we create for ourselves when it comes to ending relationships. In the show, the characters debate how long it takes to get over someone, how to manage heartbreak, and whether there’s a “right” way to move on. While the “rule” itself might vary from person to person, it’s clear that breakups are a universal experience, and they’re never easy.

When a breakup happens, it can feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you. Whether the relationship lasted months or years, the process of detangling your life from someone else’s can be overwhelming. That’s why having a few tools and strategies for navigating this emotional rollercoaster is so important. Let’s start by defining this wild rule. The idea behind the “Breakup Rule” is that it takes about half the length of the relationship to fully move on from the relationship. For example, if you were in a relationship for two years, the theory says you’ll need about one year to completely heal. I don’t know about you, but this sounds way too convenient to be true. I tried to find any research behind this concept and wound up with nothing. That doesn’t mean there isn’t some validity to what this “rule” is trying to convey. At its core, it’s telling us that it will take some time to process the relationship. While this might provide some guidance, it’s important to remember that healing isn’t linear, and there are reasons why it’s so hard.

Whenever I think of breakups, I’m reminded of a phenomenon called cognitive interdependence. This is a mental state where people think of themselves as part of a collective unit with their partner. Think of it as your brain’s new default message shifting from “me” to “we.” Cognitive interdependence happens in most, if not all, romantic relationships. Because of this, when a relationship ends, whether voluntarily or unexpectedly, our brains don’t just immediately switch back to their old way of operating. It takes time. Some people might find this process easier, while others feel like it will never happen. The real takeaway here isn’t about timing but about creating space for yourself to process the breakup.

It sucks that you’re feeling so much grief, Jennifer. I’ve been there. One feeling that tends to show up for all of us going through breakups is grief. This feeling isn’t just reserved for the death of a loved one. It also applies to the end of relationships and what comes with that (e.g. the loss of shared dreams, and the life you envisioned with your partner). I remember when my last boyfriend ended things with me. I was devastated. The relationship wasn’t really going anywhere, and we were sort of delaying the inevitable, but when he finally said those words, I felt like Angel getting stabbed by Buffy at the end of Season 2. Granted, I wasn’t (and still am not) a vampire trying to bring about the end of the world, but you get my point. I was wrecked. I coped in many ways. From casual hookups to going out every night, being alone was hard. I did what I thought would help, and I’d tell you to do the same. As long as it doesn’t feel destructive to your life, don’t let anyone, not even me, tell you how to move through your grief. It’s personal and unique for everyone. You’ve now joined a club that no one ever asks to be part of, but let me tell you, many of us have faced this struggle and found our way through it.

Before I talk about what might help, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention something that often gets overlooked in conversations about breakups: happiness. While grief feels more relatable, it’s worth considering that breakups can sometimes be good, even something to celebrate. Ending a relationship can be necessary, yet many people struggle to do so. Research highlights several reasons why breakups are hard (e.g., fear of being single, scarcity mentality, sunk-cost fallacy). One particularly intriguing reason is that people often feel unequipped with the skills to navigate a breakup successfully. Just like most of us never learned how to create healthy, sustainable relationships, we also didn’t learn how to end them. So, Jennifer, while I don’t know the specifics of your situation, I recognize that celebrating this breakup might not feel possible just yet. However, when you’re ready, remember that this relationship evolved into a space that no longer worked for either of you. Acknowledging that now rather than later might be helpful.

One of my biggest supports during my breakup was my friends. To say I relied on them for assistance would be an understatement. They were my lifeline. I’m not sure if they fully realized it, but every time they answered the phone (even for the seventh time in one day) and listened to my anxious rants, they were helping me process my grief. You’ve likely heard the saying, “Time heals all wounds.” While it may feel unsatisfying, time and distance are crucial here. But you don’t need to go through it alone. Friendships aren’t just about the fun times; they’re also about those moments when we lean into vulnerability and find healing. I don’t know about your friend group, Jennifer, but I truly hope you have some solid people you can turn to during this time.

As I wrap up, one thought I wish I had known back in my previous relationships was that relationships are not for others, they’re for me. While this wouldn’t have saved me from the grief of the relationship ending, it could have given me a belief system to carry me through the hard times. This is what I want for you, Jennifer. Breakups are an opportunity to reflect, not just on what worked and didn’t work in the relationship, but also on the why behind relationships.

Why would I choose to put myself out there and potentially open myself up to this sadness all over again? By finding that answer, you’re creating a narrative that’s more grounded in empowerment and self-love. For me, I learned that I value romantic connection in my life. That realization, combined with time and support, eventually helped me move through my grief and back into the world again.

Remember, this feeling is temporary, and the grief you’re experiencing is a reminder that you have the ability to be vulnerable and build connections with others. We can’t escape sadness, it’s part of the human condition. But we can do our best to make it easier to move through it, and my hope is that you can do just that.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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