Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: How Can I Rebuild Desire and Emotional Safety After a Pregnancy Loss?

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

My partner and I have experienced five pregnancy losses, and while we’ve grieved together, it feels like something shifted in our intimacy. I think we’re both carrying emotional scars, not just from the losses themselves, but from the fact that sex was part of what led to such heartbreak. Now, we’re struggling to reconnect physically, even though we love each other deeply.
How can we begin to rebuild desire and emotional safety in our sex life after such a painful chapter?

– Anonymous

Let me start this off by saying thank you for writing in with such an honest and vulnerable question. I couldn’t even imagine going through five pregnancy losses. The complexity of feelings and emotions tied to those experiences, as well as the amount of grief you and your partner have experienced, I would probably be catatonic. I have known many people who have gone through similar experiences as you and the scars it can leave can be challenging to heal. The impact on your sex life is understandable and I would be more shocked to hear if it hadn’t impacted it. As someone who has never experienced this kind of loss, and probably never will, I am not going to sit here and pretend I completely understand your emotions. But as a therapist, I deal with the intersection of sex and grief often. Because of this, I hope my words have some positive impact on helping you two rebuild some emotional safety.

Where to begin? Well, let’s start with the heartbreak. When sex, intimacy, or physical connection become linked to heartbreak, our nervous systems can begin to view physical intimacy not as a place of pleasure, but as a potential source of more pain. It makes sense that both you and your partner would feel guarded or shut down sexually. This isn’t a sign that your desire is gone; it’s a sign that your bodies are protecting you. Think about someone who’s been in a bad car accident. Even after they’ve physically healed, they might notice that every time they get behind the wheel, or even hear tires screech, their heart races, their hands sweat, and their body tenses up. It’s not because they’re consciously afraid; it’s because their body remembers the danger and is trying to protect them from it happening again. These kinds of experiences can get stored not just in our minds, but in our nervous systems. The same thing can happen with sex after experiencing a loss. The body says, “This used to be safe, but now I’m not so sure,” and responds accordingly. Healing is about helping the body relearn safety, at a pace it can tolerate.

As with all things relating to grief, I hope you have a good support system in place for you and your partner. It is also okay to seek a relationship therapist to help you two navigate these emotions. Before we can even begin to have sex again, we need to focus on creating a space for you two to express your fears around the act itself. Start by having vulnerable conversations about what sex feels like now. What are the fears, sadness, and even the anger that may come up. Give each other permission to name the emotions that show up around physical closeness. Sometimes just putting words to those feelings can ease the intensity.

Next, think about rebuilding physical intimacy slowly, without any expectations or end goals. Start with what is called “non-demand touch.” This is touch that does not have the expectation of leading to sex. Examples of this include: holding hands, cuddling, a gentle back rub, lying together, and simple, small kisses. This can help us create a nurturing, loving bond again before diving straight into genital touching. You might even try a bodyful touch exercise or sensate focus therapy (a practice where partners explore touch with no goal of intercourse or orgasm) to help rewire your experience of physical closeness. The idea here is to create new, healing experiences with touch and help you move through the ones that are tied to the pain of the past.

One of my favorite non-demand touch activities is called a “warm hello/goodbye.” The point of this activity is to slowly start building intimate touch again with your partner. How to do this is at some point during the day, either when your partner is leaving for the day or returning home, you two take a minute or two and embrace. You simply enter your partner’s space by hugging them. In this moment, focus on being fully present with your partner, notice what you’re feeling, sensing, smelling, and experiencing. Let yourself truly take them in with your whole body and awareness. From here, when you two feel comfortable, you can add in kissing and caressing each other. The goal of the exercise is not to have it lead to sex (which it can down the road), but rather, notice the feelings, and potential arousal, that may come with it.

Finally, give yourselves permission to move at your own pace. There is no timeline for when desire “should” return or how intimacy “should” look. Right now, your love for each other is the most important foundation you have, and it’s clear from your letter that love is still very much alive between you. I tell my clients often that to unlock and move into a space of desire, we need to feel two things: relaxation and a “perception of safety.” A lot of what I have written today can help you with both of these requirements. I find that out of the two, the “perception of safety” component tends to be the harder one to find when we have experienced events like the ones you two have faced. Although I am probably sounding like a cliché here, self-care can help us tap into relaxation and learn how to regulate our nervous systems again.

As I wrap up, I want to say that sex can become a space of healing again for you two. How we get there is by not only giving yourselves some grace but also leading with compassion. Compassion for each other, and compassion for yourselves. You’ve both been through so much and finding the joy in intimacy again may be a long journey, but it’s one that is worth it in the end. If either of you are readers, I would recommend these two articles: Getting Back to Sex After Pregnancy Loss and Sex After Pregnancy Loss is Complicated.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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