Polite society dictates that we must respect all religions. But that’s stupid, isn’t it? After all, Judaism is way better than your religion. To prove it — and in honor of the Jewish High Holy Days (Monday is Yom Kippur) — we offer these Ten Reasons Why You Should Really Wish You Were a Jew:
1. On certain holidays, such as Purim (the Jewish version of Halloween), getting drunk is required.
2. We only have one day a year when we must confess our sins. Catholics have to do it every week. Morons.
3. Our holiest days require that we not work. In fact, working on Friday nights, our Sabbath, is totally against the rules. You’re supposed to have sex instead. (Okay, so only with your wife, but you don’t see the Protestants approving pro-boning commandments, do you?)
4. Hanukah features eight days of presents; Christmas has only one. What were you people thinking?
5. Our calendar is lunar, which means Christians can never figure out which days we’re supposed to have off. This comes in handy when you want to call in sick with a hangover. “I can’t come to work, boss. It’s Matzoh Ball Day.” 6. Fried food is a big part of some holidays. Eating potato pancakes and donuts is considered a good deed.
7. Our New Year lasts two days, so we get to party twice as long.
8. On Yom Kippur, you’re not supposed to shave or brush your teeth. Our religion doesn’t damn slacking; it promotes it.
9. Think of Yom Kippur as an enforced diet. You’re can’t eat for 24 hours, and it’s hard to sneak cookies with God watching.
10. We actually invented the low carb diet. On Passover, we can’t eat bread for a whole week. Atkins is a fraud.
— Lisa Rab & Rebecca Meiser
This article appears in Sep 27 – Oct 3, 2006.
I appreciate that this article was written affectionately and with good intentions, but the tone is kind of goofy and facetious. As a religious Jew, I want to answer your question about Judaism being the best religion with some modicum of seriousness.
The truth is that Judaism (especially Orthodox Judaism) is actually one of the most difficult religions to faithfully observe, due to the incredibly stringent ethical and halachic requirements that the Torah imposes on the Jewish People. Judaism doesn’t teach that G-d is some dead guy who transformed into a cookie, or that he has three parts. It teaches that G-d, and ONLY G-d, is the Creator of the Universe, Who does not change, Who always was and always will be, Who has an absolute, perfect unity beyond anything that exists or ever will. While Jews do have tremendous “faith”, emunah in Hashem, I sometimess feel that the word “faith” suggests some kind of uncertainty or doubt. The truth is that as Jews, we should KNOW with 100 percent certainty the greatness of Hashem, that He is beyond human comprehension, though He has given us the Torah so that we might achieve as great a closeness, fear, and love of the Almighty as any human being can hope to attain. Only G-d, and G-d alone, has the power to forgive, punish or reward humans for their deeds. As Jews, we have to look inwards and answer to G-d for our own, personal behavior. Even the greatest Rabbi does not have the power to “save” you, and neither does anyone else for that matter. They can only teach you Torah, to help you become closer to Hashem, but ultimately the responsibility for our actions falls on us as individuals. If a Jew does teshuva sincerely, Hashem will hopefully forgive you, and if not, we can only to try harder to improve our behavior and hope we will be heard. The simplicity and at the same time profound spiritual richness of Judaism is what makes it the most beautiful and true religion. Some would say that the “best religion” is subjective, but I would go further and say that it isn’t. Reviewing the beliefs of other religions, I would say confidently that Judaism is the clearest, purest, and strongest of all faiths, as well as the most purely monotheistic. Even so, it is not our job to impose our beliefs on anybody else or force them to accept our religion. I apologize if this was too preachy or long-winded. Okay, that’s it. May Hashem show His kindess and benevolence to you and help you make the best of this life,
Sincerely,
A Jew
I am happy to see people discuss religion. I think that it is a big mistake to think religion is an off limits subject. I think that both the article and the comment by a Jew are productive and serve well to break the ice around our thinking and our concepts of God. I work for a Jewish carpenter who changed the world for the better. We don’t need to interpret our books and prophets, but that is fine. There is but one truth which was given to us that if followed changes the world. The last recorded lesson which was given to us was ‘forgive them.’ Forgive all of them and always. Our job is not to judge nor to punish but just to forgive. Forgiveness is not understood by any religion and never was. God is not a religion or a book or a dogma sent down from heaven to be delivered by priests of any religion. There is not one good religion and one wrong. All religions seek to separate rather than to Unite. Religions are no more than clubs or political parties which tell the club members what is right or wrong and how to worship. Most people do not get very far when I write anything, but if you have gotten this far with me let me tell you again–forgive first then pray and understand. Religion would have us judge first and then forgive. This is not true forgiveness as it has strings attached. Forgiveness is not a pause in hatred or judgement, but a freedom and the way to truth and thus God and Love. We have but two emotions–Love and fear. Love is real and fear but an illusion. God does not want us to fear he or she or death or pain…and certainly not Love. Most will not admit it but they do not know how to forgive..or rather they have lost their ability and understanding of true forgiveness. Most religions believe they have the answers yet most of their followers have not a clue as to what God really wants them to do. They confuse prayer with rituals which they memorized but do not understand. The more ridgid a religion is the more harm it does to the world. All religions have used their club for separation and not for Unity. The see themselves as better than the rest of the seven billion on the planet and therefore can not be true. Please keep discussing religion and concept of eternity and seek not to close your mind further inside of dogma and like-mindedness as that serves to separate. To separate is to fear and to Unite is to Love.
One of these comments was written clearly and insightfully, and the other was rather difficult to understand. I leave it up to YOU–dear readers–to decide which comment achieved its intended aim. Only YOU can decide which of these individuals was able to more clearly describe the basic tenets of his faith with purity, accuracy, AND humility.
If you choose incorrectly, you will have only done so in my view, and any disappointment with yourself about your decision should be directed inwards so that you can change your behavior going forward.
Tanakh
first book of Samuel has fifty mistakes.
second book of Samuel has seventy mistakes.
first book of Kings has eighty mistakes.
second book of Kings has one hundred mistakes.
Tanakh has three hundred mistakes in four books.
Book of Ezra has thirty mistakes.
Deuteronomy has sixty mistakes.
Tanakh has three hundred ninety mistakes in six books.
No religion is better or worse than another.