Scene: Republican dignitaries gather in a conference room at the statehouse, Columbus, Ohio. Governor Mike DeWine enters with a look of surprise.
DeWine: “Geepers, what are you guys doing here?”
Chamber of Commerce President: “Mike, a few of us were talking and… well… we’re worried about you.”
DeWine: [with quizzical look] “Geepers, whatever for?”
Chamber President: “We feel you’ve changed, Mike. Lately it seems like you’ve been – how can I say this nicely? – showing empathy for others.”
DeWine: “That’s bad?”
Chamber President: “I wouldn’t say ‘bad’ [makes air quotes]. I’d frame it more as ‘non-desirable.’”
Congressman Jim Jordan: [interjecting] “He’s saying you’ve gone nancy boy, DeWine.”
Chamber President: “No, no, it’s not that. It’s just that you’re issuing these stay-at-home orders and listening to scientists and pointy-heads instead of us. You’re starting to care about people who don’t matter. [softens voice] Look, everyone has had a brief fling with caring before…”
Jordan: “Speak for yourself.”
Chamber President: “…but most people grow out of it in college. Or after their second divorce. We’re afraid it’s driving away our base.”
DeWine: “Geepers, I’m just trying to save innocent—”
Insurance Lobbyist: [gently interrupting] “That’s the point, Mike. We’re Republicans. Saving innocents really isn’t our bailiwick. We’re the guys voters turn to when they want to gut medical coverage. Or lock a 6-year-old Guatemalan girl in a cage. [room erupts in applause] Caring isn’t our brand.”
Laura Ingraham: [attending by speaker phone] “So sack up, governor. Grow a pair.”
DeWine: [perplexed] “But all these deaths…”
Bank Lobbyist: [trying to be patient] “Yes, Mike, death can be unfortunate under limited circumstances. But when we talk about reopening Ohio, we’re not talking about putting ourselves at risk. We just want others to risk death to serve us. All we’re asking is to sacrifice a few thousand waitresses, maybe some movie theater workers, a couple hundred grandmas. That’s not too much to ask, is it?”
White Power Militia Leader: [with cheerful enthusiasm] “You can kill my grandma. I need the inheritance. I’m saving for a jet ski.”
NRA Official: [chuckling] “Drop her at the gun range, White Power Guy. Nothing fires up our Second Amendment boys like live target practice.” [guffaws around the room]
DeWine: “But the scientists say—”
Prominent CEO: “That’s the point, Mike. Republicans don’t listen to scientists. We denounce them as the Deep State. Look how well it worked with ‘global warming’ [makes air quotes]. We pretended it didn’t exist, and it all went away.”
Coal Lobbyist: “I’m just spit-balling here, but what if we bought you some new scientists, governor? I got a guy who can score bulk discounts from the University of Phoenix.”
Chamber President: [hiding exasperation] “The point is that it’s time to start acting Republican again, Mike. The way you caved on that mandatory mask thing, that was beautiful. But we must return to what made this party great: The abject indifference to the suffering of others.” [standing ovation]
Pork Industry Lobbyist: [as if speaking to a child] “Wouldn’t it be fun to be mean to pregnant ladies again, Mike? Maybe taunt some A-rabs or pass a law saying that if you ‘accidentally’ get your employees killed [laughter], you get a tax credit?”
Jordan: [trying to start a chant] “Kill! Kill! Kill!”
Chamber President: [glaring at Jordan] “Let’s save the chanting for the afterparty, Jim. While we appreciate your thoughtful input, we can’t be sure RINO here isn’t secretly taping this for the libtard media.”
Republican In Name Only: [looking sheepish] “I like killing just as much as the next guy.”
DeWine: [contrite] “Geepers, maybe you guys are right. Maybe my approval ratings pushed me to vanity. Maybe I’ve forgotten the true meaning of Christianity. ‘For the Lord said unto thee: If I really cared about little people, I wouldn’t have dropped The Plague on that aircraft carrier, now would I?’ Ezekiel 14:36.”
Chamber President: “That’s the spirit, Mike. I believe you’re cured. Let’s repair to the bar and celebrate with a gin rickey.”
Jordan: [whining] “But you promised we’d get hookers!”
Chamber President: [impatient] “Remember, Jim, our lease on you expires next month. Do you want us to trade you in for the Rob Portman model? He’s having a Spring Blowout Sale.”
Jordan: [sulking] “Sorry. It won’t happen again. [crosses fingers]
Chamber President: “Televangelist, can you lead us in a closing prayer?”
Megachurch Preacher: “Our Father who art in the gated communities of Heaven, hallowed be thy name…”
This article appears in Apr 29 – May 5, 2020.
Good grief what is this garbage?
Not nearly as good as the ‘Two Democrats Get Stuck On An Escalator’ video.
Pete,,,you don’t like Republicans,,who cares,,,this is a totally bullshit article. Its bullshit like this that is giving ” news” the fake news name.
Break the Programming. Fight the Left.
Curious, what did the Chinese Propaganda Ministers aka The Democrat Leadership say to Mr DeWine?
Hey, guys, it’s a parody, y’know. Pete is trying to point out the disparities between the reaction to the pandemic and how it is being covered on Fox News and filtered through the Republican lens promoted by the Trump Administration. It’s like watching last night’s “Town Hall” meeting staged in front of the Lincoln Memorial (probaby because Trump likes to compare his perceived “unfair press treatment” to that of one of the greatest presidents). What a sham and a shame.
SCENE has the right to publish this kind of journalism in the face of the P.D.’s imminent demise. We can watch Rome burn and shrug our shoulders or we can join in the good fight against the powers that be. Fight the Power!
As a former SCENE Editor, I approve this message. Right on!
You’re not funny, Pete. And I’ve been a leftist for the last fifty years.
You weren’t funny even before unfunny Mike Polk came along.
It is actual news, recorded by a fly on the wall and quoted verbatim. Thanks to the daring Pete Kotz who risked life and limb to expose this attempted intervention by the forces of evil. Stay strong, Governor!
What would Democrat leeches do without Conservative minded workers to feast off of?
Another day of trolling by the Lone Wingnut. Four in a row and counting. Yeah, it was a stupid story, but you’re still an a-hole.
Remember 15 years ago when conservatives forced Terri Schiavo’s husband to keep her “alive” in a persistent vegetative state because of their views on “right to life”. Now because they didn’t save enough dough to last for 45 days without a paycheck (standard financial planning requires a 90-180 day supply of funds), conservatives are willing to let hundreds of thousands of senior citizens with health issues die from COVID-19, 50 years ago, Ohio’s conservative governor didn’t care that unarmed kids going to their college classes were sprayed with bullets (4 dead, 9 wounded) by the National Guard at Kent State. Now governors and their advisors are threatened by conservative protesters in the streets carrying high powered weapons for trying to keep their state’s residents alive. We truly have gone through the looking glass.
Phil, I fly an Ohio flag and fly it proudly. I am a senior with nothing left to lose. If the State of Ohio wants to form a civilian militia to combat these “conservative protesters” (AKA white supremicists) under that same Ohio flag, sign me up!
These short-sighted and traitorous assholes want to open up the state because they do not give a shit if seniors and people of color wheeze to death by the thousands. Truth is, they want to find a way to get rid of “entitled” geezers and “mooching” blacks
Better yet, start a corps of civilian volunteers to work at the food banks and other helping places, and free up the National Guard to deal with these domestic terrorists. I’m disappointed that these idiots didn’t carry out another protest yesterday. What better way to commemorate May Fourth than by having the National Guard spray a few conservatives…and even the score? “Folks…we’re tied at four!”
You idiots are still fighting republicans and democrats? They’re on the same team! Trump is a plant and the republicans are walking you all into the same new world order as the democrats.
There is no republic. There is no democracy. There is just them against us all and most of you are with them because you’re brainwashed.
My favorite is when people act like Fox news is crazy and so out of line but then CNN is literally the EXACT opposite and can be obviously said is the same as Fox but for Democrats. Ridiculous. It its insane how brainwashed everyone is into thinking its okay to take our constitutional rights away. And what world are people going to be FORCED to go back to work. How about we open up and give all of the workers the ABILITY to go back to work. We give all the restaurants the ABILITY to go back to work. No one is going to FORCE anyone to go back to work… Someone mentioned that 2,000 restaurant workers are going to die? Literally ridiculous. If they don’t want to work they don’t have to. Isn’t it their right to have that option though???????
I bet Pete hears lots of voices…..
Lone Wingnut knows how to cover all the bases…he managed to bash seniors, leftists, pro-choicers, hippies, and boomers all in the same post.
He doesn’t care that blacks and Hispanics and geezers are the ones most likely to die. In fact, he WANTS them to die, by opening up the malls and the big-box stores, so that the oldsters and people of color can be replaced by his dream world… a young conservative Christian America, comprised of families with six or eight kids, patriarchal families who will hatch out Christian soldiers for America’s wars and and make America white again.
And he probably thinks the left is unarmed. The Grandpa Simpsons in this country. have guns, too, and will use them when the time comes. When you and your camo-covered militia cronies come around looking for me, you are in for a big, fat fucking surprise…one you won’t want and won’t like. And it will be your last surprise.
I’m confused. Who is lone wingnut? And again, if things open up, why do you feel like you will be forced to go to malls and big box stores? Why wouldn’t you just stay home? I’m sure they can set it up in a way where you have the option if its work your considering. If its not work, then just stay home and use amazon like everyone else does.
Sidenote – i could care less about the big box stores and malls opening up. I buy almost everything online. The only stores I actually still go to are already open and have been going to over the past 8 weeks in Home Depot, Target, and Grocery store.
And PS, no kids and not religious. and family are immigrants.
L4e: If you have to ask questions like yours…you will never understand. And “everyone else” does not use Amazon. You just think they do, because you probabl;y don’t associate with anyone who isn’t like you.
Sidenote to your sidenote: I couldn’t care less about where you buy shit and what stores you patronize. Next time, tell someone who cares.
Stay home and enjoy Ohio City. Must be a lot quieter there these days.
Yankee – Indeed it is a lot quiter. By quiter – you realize that means not as many people spending money which means business’s are not making money which means business’s are goign to go out of business, which means people are going to loose their job that live in the area.
But I guess we are cool with all that so your old ass can stay at home and b*tch about having a horrible life. must suck
Do you really want “certain people” (old, poor, black Hispanic) to die by the thousands so that more people can spend money and continue the spread of this goddamned PLAGUE?
You want business as usual while the cemeteries fill up? Three thousand people a DAY means NOTHING to you? I guess not.
If enough people die, businesses are going to fail anyway because both the lockdown will come back. Too many business owners and their employees and theircustomers are going to be toast. Can’t have much of an economy when they’re all dead.
Opening up too early means this crisis lasts LONGER and my old ass has to stay home LONGER while all you cool young entremanures go about your BUSINESS and eat and drink and be merry and spend money and make your big fucking deals, while people like me are housebound shut-ins because going outside gets too risky.
Do I think that’s something to bitch about…and that you’re just writing old farts off? Damn betcha. And it sucks to be able to count on both hands the number of times I’ve been outside in the past eight weeks, while smug wheeler-dealers like you act as though nothing has happened and nothing has changed. Maybe not for YOU, but most people have had their lives put on hold and turned upside down.
I wasn’t in some rocking chair, kid. I had a so-called life. I was always busy and now I miss where I worked, but I may not be able to go back at all. It may just be too dangerous, because I smoked for decades.
Meanwhile, enjoy your fast-track, fast-lane, high-roller lifestyle.
Just quit bragging online about it. Hardly anybody else gives a shit.
Bring it on, asshole…I won’t even bother to bury you, pissant…I’ll just set your corpse on fire in the street and I won’t even piss on it to put it out. Let the rats eat it…it’s thefateyou deserve.
I’ve been waiting fifty years to ventilate scumbags like you…and I believe that in the next six months, my wish will come true. Better get ready. My team is going to win and you and your Orange Leader will be
on the dustheap of history, where you belong. And the nightmare will be over. Better hope you get sick first…a much more pleasant end.
Old Yankee – I truly have no ill will against old people. And I understand it sucks that you can’t really leave because you are more vulnerable. With that said though, why should the rest of the population suffer as well? If most of the population poses a very small risk to the COVID, why can they not try to get back to normal?
If I am basically understanding you correctly – bc you can’t go out you want everyone else to suffer as well? You said opening up too early – When do you think its not too early? In your eyes there will imediately go to be people who die at a much higher rate as soon as we open up or get a cure. Well if I have read the doctors and news right, we most likely wont have a vaccine for about a year and a half. Does that mean you want everyone to stay in lockdown until then? I would assume you are a reasonable person (even though your temper doesn’t seem that way) so that answer would be no. If your answer is no, then when is it ok to come back. If you say 3000 people are going to die a day if we come back now, is it safe if we open up in a month when 2000 people die a die, or 2 months when 1000 people die a day, or 3 months when 500 die a day. What number of deaths is acceptable to you? Bc you are either the exact same and think we should open up at some point and no matter what more people will die once we open but the ecoomy and life in general needs to get back to “normal” or we stay in hiding until a vaccine comes which will be in 1.5 years or so and there will be no world to come back to and the country will go bankrupt from aid it hands out.
Please give honest answer here old yankke?
Maybe later, kiddo. Too busy to wade through all that right now.
Today is laundry day. I’m old and cranky but I’m not a slob.
It’s spelled “Jeepers”, you illiterate leftist moron.
It’s spelled however PK wants to spell it, you RWNJ. Does your favorite primary reader’s main character exclaim “golly jee whiz” at every opportunity?
The only thing funnier than this article, is how many Republitards are here in the comment section getting their panties in a knot over it.
Truth hurts, doesn’t it jagoffs?
This is over the top utter garbage. Shame on writer, Despicable!!!!
This is not only a fake news article, it is also total propaganda and lies. With a media like this the people would be better off without one.